


Things Have Changed

by Jairo



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: M/M, brief mentions of past abuse, high school/college au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-24
Updated: 2015-11-23
Packaged: 2018-04-11 00:22:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 46,829
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4413680
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jairo/pseuds/Jairo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>REPOST from 2013</p><p>Zayn meets Niall just towards the end of his high school years and they immediately click, although maybe not in the way Niall wants.</p><p>Then a few years later, a lot of things have changed. There was a time when Zayn looked at Niall and saw a boy, a kid. Now Niall is anything but.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

They didn’t so much  _meet_  as they were thrown together due to annoying and entirely avoidable circumstances. Zayn, a senior at Glenmore High School, found himself in trouble after his teacher decided she’d finally had enough of him coming late to English class- seeing as it was for the hundredth time. Before, she’d mostly cut him some slack because despite his moody nonchalance towards most of his other classes, he was really quite good in English and it was his last semester in high school anyway so it wasn’t like she could suddenly change his tardy habit now.

But when he strolled in one Wednesday morning over 20 minutes late (usually he had the decency to at least keep it under 10 minutes), the scent of smoke and cologne trailing after him as he casually made his way to his chair, the young honey-haired Ms Hayden narrowed her eyes at him. “Good morning Zayn, so nice of you to go out of your way to be with us today. See me after class.”

To cut a long story short, after much disappointed tut-tutting and lecturing on her part and unmoved one-word answers on Zayn’s part, her eyes lit up and she told him that she had the perfect solution- his penance would be to tutor a struggling freshman for the rest of the semester. “I won’t even bother giving you detention. All your teachers have been doing exactly that for the past 4 years and look how much that’s helped.”

“Ms Hayden, this is cruel and unusual punishment. You can’t expect me to spend my last days as a senior helping some dumb kid.”

“He’s not dumb. Far from it, he just needs a little help with a few things which you happen to be very good at. Who knows- you might actually gain something valuable out of this too?”

Zayn snorted, still managing to keep his expression ever-so-bored. “Something valuable? Like what exactly?”

“Like how good it feels to help someone and watch them improve.”

She wouldn’t budge so that was that. Zayn was going to be spending every Thursday afternoon tutoring some 14 year-old.  _Kill me now_ , he thought.

She got him the kid’s number from her files and told him she expected the first session to take place the very next day.

He left the texting until late that night hoping the boy would be forced to cancel their session due to the short notice.

_This is Zayn from school. Ms Hayden said she’d tell you about the new arrangement. We can meet in the library straight after school. Unless you've already made other plans for tomorrow._

A minute later:  _Hi Zayn! Thank u so much 4 agereein t help me ! Afta school sounds gud !!_

Dammit, there went the cancelling theory. And could this kid’s way of texting be any more annoying? Why was it so hard to spell out words and spell them correctly?

After school the next day, Zayn received much hooting and laughter from Louis and Danny when he informed them that he couldn’t hang out because he would be with some freshman in the library all afternoon. After flipping them off, he made his way to the library, seething. Actually, the library building was usually one of his favourite places to be because more than anything in the world he adored books, all types of books, not that he’d ever admit it to his peers. Other 18 year-olds' favourite places mostly included shopping malls and anywhere absurd amounts of booze were available.

He chose a secluded table in the far corner of the library. Plopping his bag down and reclining back in his chair, his expression was that of someone who would rather be  _anywhere_  else in the world right now. So in other words, his face at that moment was an exact accurate representation of how he was feeling.  

Just as he realised that he and his new protégé hadn’t made any plans on how they would identify each other, a boy with bright blonde hair who was dressed in baggy jeans and an oversized t-shirt cautiously approached his table.

He looked really nervous. Maybe even scared.  _Good_ , Zayn thought.

“Um, hi, y-you’re Zayn right?”

Zayn merely nodded, but he was surprised the boy knew him- he didn’t think he’d ever seen the kid in his life. The blonde sat down opposite him, giving him a wide smile. “I’m Niall. But I’m sure you’ve worked that out. Thanks again for doing this. I kinda suck at English.”

“Hi. Let’s get started.” The sooner this was over, the better for Zayn. Niall pulled out his notebook as well as a copy of  _To Kill a Mockingbird_  by Harper Lee and Zayn was secretly ecstatic. It was one of his favourite books and he hadn’t read it in quite a while.  For one of their weekly assignments, Niall’s class needed to provide a summary of the chapter they'd read that week which had to include a key character quote and its importance to the story.

Turns out the teacher was right- Niall definitely wasn’t stupid, Zayn would give him that much. He understood the story and had really insightful ideas about character behaviour and motivations. But he expressed himself sloppily on paper and his spelling was rather atrocious which didn’t help any. When he spoke however, Zayn found himself listening intently and encouraging him with questions to keep him talking and the ideas flowing. Before they knew it, the hour was up.

Zayn grudgingly admitted to himself as he gathered his things that he hadn’t had  _that_ bad a time. Niall gave him a crooked-toothed grin as he walked away. The kid smiled a lot, Zayn noted.

The next few days, Zayn would sometimes catch sight of Niall in the hallways. Niall would wave and sport that wide beam, surrounded by a gaggle of similar tiny hyper friends. Zayn would just nod back in his direction.

At their next tutoring session, Niall wasn’t smiling however. He looked almost woeful as he said, “We have to write a short story due on Monday. I can’t write stories. Like at all.”

Zayn wanted to laugh at the look on his face but chose to rather say, “Well if you find it hard making up completely new characters and situations, rather write about something you know-  give your characters a few characteristics of people you know.  Write about something that’s important to you, otherwise whatever you're writing won’t ring true. Y’know, even professional writers do that actually- in some or other character, in some way or format you’ll find traits of either the writer themself or the people in their life. It’s something that can’t be helped I guess, because story writing is so personal.”

Niall had never heard Zayn say so many words in one go and he kind of just stared at him for a moment. He said he’d give it a try though, still sounding very sceptical. He got to work, discussing with Zayn and asking his advice every few minutes or so. Again, Zayn was pleasantly surprised at the interesting and intuitive way Niall viewed the world and the people in it. Towards the end of their hour together, they got to talking about themselves a bit. Zayn learned that Niall was 15 (Zayn thought he looked closer to 12 though) and originally from Ireland which would explain the slight accent.

Over the next few weeks, Zayn found himself actually looking forward to Thursdays. Somewhere along the way they’d moved their sessions from the library to Niall’s kitchen where they would have their books sprawled all over the table and copious amounts of snacks on hand. Zayn wondered where Niall put all that food in that scrawny body of his. Some days they’d take longer than Ms Hayden’s specified 1 hour, just talking. Niall was really good to talk to, he was sweet and entirely open -almost innocent, Zayn thought often- not jaded like a lot of Zayn’s friends.  

And he laughed a lot which was a bit annoying in the beginning but more and more Zayn found himself joining him. Which felt nice. Zayn was going through some stuff at home with his parents so he’d tell Niall a few things about that, appreciating the fact that the blonde would just listen and not try to offer solutions because really Zayn just wanted to be heard when it came to these things. When Niall would show him his vastly improved English tests and assignments after they came back from the teacher, Zayn couldn’t be happier or prouder of the kid. Maybe Ms Hayden had actually been onto something.

Sometimes Zayn would catch Niall looking at him in a certain way and the blonde would quickly look back down at his books with a blush when he realised he’d been caught. But Zayn would pretend not to notice those awkward moments. Hopefully it wasn’t what he thought it was, hopefully it was nothing.

But of course it was something. Towards the end of the semester with just a couple of weeks left until Zayn’s senior year was over, they were sitting next to each other at the dining room table, no longer on complete opposite ends like when they’d first met. Niall was working his way through an English comprehension assignment and Zayn was taking the time to look over his own History assignment.

Niall suddenly put his pen down, and turned to him with wide blue eyes. He cleared his throat, blushing bright red and looking on edge. Zayn had a very bad feeling about this.

“Um... Z-Zayn. You’re leaving soon. I mean wh-when the school year ends, not like right now at my house or whatever... ”

There was a long pause and Zayn felt bad for him so he nodded to encourage him to talk.

“So yeah, you’re leaving. But I wouldn’t want you to go without- I just really want you to know how I feel. About you.”

That sinking feeling in Zayn’s stomach, sank even lower. The blonde looked like he was about to be sick with nervousness and Zayn wished he could stop him, for Niall’s own sake.

Niall took a deep breath and said, “Basically. Uh- I like you. I really like you. I kinda had a crush on you even before you started tutoring me.”

Silence filled the room as they looked at each other. Eventually Zayn realised that he was supposed to say something.

“Niall. I really don’t know what to say. I think you’re a nice kid-” Zayn noticed how the other boy’s face fell at the word _kid._  Zayn sighed and continued, “I’m sorry... I don’t like you in that way. I’m too old for you and too - I don’t know, too messed up.”

Niall looked so disappointed at these words that Zayn wished he could have been able to tell him what he wanted to hear. Niall’s eyes brimmed with the start of tears as he ducked his head closer to his books and nodded. He said in a small voice, “Ok. I get it. Someone like you would never go for someone like me anyway.”

“Huh, someone like me? Someone like you? No, no. You’re getting it all wrong, Niall. I think you’re great and I like to think of us as friends. But I don't want to lie to you. We'd be no good together. I’m sorry.”

“Ok,” Niall said again, “Um. I think I’m good with this comprehension. I don’t really need any more help for today. So you can feel free to go.” Niall stood up and Zayn followed suit, noticing yet again how little the other boy was - he was a good 4 inches shorter than Zayn and in his hunched-over sadness his frame looked even smaller.

“Niall-  please don’t be upset.” Zayn put a hand on his shoulder but that seemed to only make things worse - Niall quickly moved away as though Zayn’s hand burned him.

“The last thing I want is your pity, Zayn. Please just go.”

Zayn contemplated saying  _something_ , doing  _something_ , but really he didn’t know what to say or do. So he did as Niall asked and left.

Things at school were not good between the two of them after that. Niall stopped doing his waving and smiling and laughing thing. In fact, he went out of his way to avoid looking directly at Zayn altogether. One time, Zayn actually saw him turn around in alarm and walk the other way when he saw Zayn approaching in the hallway.

The night before what was meant to be their very last tutoring session for the semester, Niall sent him a text that made Zayn feel really sad. He wished things weren’t like this.

_I kno were meant t meet tomoro but its not really necesery anymo seein as its the end of the yr and all. Im sure u have better things t do so dont worry about it._

Zayn thought of replying because he would have still liked to see Niall, maybe just hangout and talk like they used to. But actually, that would probably be really unfair to Niall. So he left it.

And that was that. The school year ended, seniors said their goodbyes and Zayn left for his gap year abroad in England.


	2. Chapter 2

Every single time an issue of RAG Mag needed to go to print, Zayn wondered what on earth had ever possessed him to agree to head the media committee of Remember And Give, Lynnwood University’s largest student-led charity organisation.

Every month, Zayn and his team released a magazine detailing the monthly activities of the different committees in the organisation as well as a few special interest articles written by RAG members and advertisement spaces for local businesses that supported RAG. And every month, all of it nearly did his head in.

“Goddammit fuck shit,” Ariana, sitting at the desk behind him, swore as she crumpled up another drawing that was meant to accompany one of the articles written by Ed, head of the events committee.

The events committee had recently held a Beerfest off campus complete with local bands and an obscene amount of alcohol to raise money for the neuroblastoma treatment of a 4 year-old girl in the next town. Ariana was meant to be drawing a large lively crowd in front a band and as far as she could see she wasn’t succeeding.

Zayn wasn’t faring much better. He was editing a long tedious article written by the projects committee, the committee responsible for RAG's visits to various orphanages, old age homes and homeless shelters. The piece was riddled with the most elementary of grammar errors, and sentences which quite simply made no sense. Man, this dude- Zayn searched for his name at the top of the paper- Mark Sanders. This  _Mark Sanders_ dude couldn’t write if his life depended on it. Zayn hadn’t seen such horrible spelling since-  Well, never mind.

Zayn finally admitted that he’d be better off writing the thing from scratch so that’s what he began doing. He wondered for the millionth time why he even bothered. But really he knew why. It was because deep down he loved being a part of something worthwhile.

Towards the end of high school and during his gap year, he’d realised with some initial surprise that he really enjoyed using his capabilities to help others. And after being a regular RAG media committee member during his freshman and sophomore years, this year he’d recently accepted the nomination to head the committee.

“Are you going to the Kappa Nu party tonight?” Ariana directed this question at him before sticking her tongue out the corner of mouth in concentration, her big brown eyes unblinking as she attempted to get the drawing right.

“Um-  Nah, I don’t think so. Some friends wanted us all to go but I’m beat. Just gonna go crash when I’m done here.”

“I feel ya, Z.” As she said this, Zayn’s phone buzzed in his pocket. He fished it out and a frown marred his features as he read the message. It was from his Dad. How the hell did he even get his new number?  _Doniya_ , he decided. Even after everything that had gone down she was still a Daddy’s girl and that would never change. Without a second thought, Zayn deleted the message and got back to work.

Not even 10 minutes later his phone went off again and he let out an angry puff of air, ready to delete another message from his father. But it was actually from Louis.

_Ur still coming tonight right??_

_No Lou I’m not. I’m exhausted._

_U suck_

_Yeah so I’ve been told. By you many times._

_Please man I’ll never ask another favour of u. I hardy see u anymore_

_You always say you’ll never ask anything of me ever again and you always do. I’ll swing by yours tomorrow. Because I kind of miss you too, idiot. But tonight, no can do. Sorry_

_Fine. U can’t see but I’m sulking. See u tomorrow, u better not sleep the whole day!_

Zayn shook his head and put his phone on silent mode. He really did need to finish up here. Putting all their concentrated effort into it, his team worked steadily through the Saturday afternoon into the early evening, until finally a draft resembling something halfway decent began to emerge.

At around 7 o’clock, he announced, “Right guys! We’re basically done so you’re all free to go. Thanks for all your work today.” Zayn would just be finishing up a few things here and there, then he would go too.

As the others filed out, most of them stretching and stifling yawns, Ariana and Michelle stopped to propel themselves at him hugging him tight around the middle; something they always did despite his constant reminders that he wasn’t much of a hugger. He rolled his eyes but really, he loved them back.

“Don’t stay too late. You look like you’re about to drop dead on your feet in about 5 minutes," Ariana warned him as she slipped a beanie over her mahogany-red tresses.

After they’d all gone he worked on rechecking article pictures and advert placements in the draft master copy and then he tidied up as much as he could.

He left the building some time later, planning on picking up some cheap greasy takeout before going home. Then he remembered that his phone was on silent mode so he checked his messages and besides another one from his Dad - _delete_ -, there was a message from his roommate Liam telling him not to worry about dinner because he’d cooked. What a man!

Zayn hurried to the off-campus apartment he shared with Liam and Nathan, walking particularly quickly along Greek Row praying that Louis wouldn’t somehow spot him and drag him inside the Kappa Nu party. Luckily Louis was most probably happily smashed out of his mind inside the noisy house so Zayn was able to make his way down the street without incident.

When he got into their apartment 10 minutes later, Liam was just coming out of his room and putting his coat on. He was dressed a little nicer than usual.

“Hot date?” Zayn asked as he threw his things on the couch and made his way to the kitchen. He was super hungry.

Liam was single, but he had his fair share of girls over. From what Zayn had observed he liked them exotic looking, preferably with mocha-coloured skin, nice legs and really cute faces.

“Uh, no. Louis kind of blackmailed me into going to the Kappa party so I’m headed there. Nathan’s already there,” Liam replied sheepishly, raising his voice to reach the kitchen.

“Really. What on earth does Lou have on you?”

“Not telling, obviously!”

Liam walked into the kitchen where Zayn was rummaging in the fridge for something quick to bite on. Liam pointed to the oven door. “There’s mac and cheese in there. Saved you some cos I figured you’d be tired tonight.”

Zayn gave him a wide grin and practically ran to the oven. “Best roommate ever.”

“I agree. So... I’m out. See you later.”

“Be good!” Zayn's mouth was already crammed with the pasta he hadn’t bothered to transfer from the casserole dish onto a plate.

He was only half-joking about Liam being good; since he’d first introduced Liam to his oldest friend Louis, he’d tried to stop or at least delay Louis’ inevitable corrupting of puppy-eyed Liam. He was fighting a losing battle.

When Zayn was left alone he walked to the couch, cradling the dish in his arms like it was his first-born. He didn’t know if the food was really that good or if he was just really hungry. Probably both.  Finally getting to relax for the first time that day, he spaced out to crappy reality television. He felt a little guilty and wondered if he should rather go get his dog-eared copy of Chinua Achebe's  _Things Fall Apart_. He’d recently started re-reading it.  _Nah_. He was fine just where he was.

A little while later, he wasn’t. Halfway through some invented catastrophe on  _Keeping Up With the Kardashians_ , he suddenly decided what he wanted more than anything in the world right now was one of those giant luscious caramel chocolate muffins from the 24-hour bakery downstairs.  _No I’m not being a pig_ , he reasoned with himself,  _I didn't eat all day_. He switched off Kim and her sisters, grabbing his leather jacket from where he’d draped it over the couch earlier.

When the warm gooey muffin was finally in his hands, he didn’t even wait until he left the bakery to cram a large bite into his mouth. He always told the owner that these things were so good they could probably cure the common cold.

He stepped out of the shop, the doorbell pinging with his exit. He was so intent on licking his index finger that he forgot to watch where he was going.

He walked full on into the side of a man who was also somewhat distracted, typing on his phone as he walked past the bakery door. The phone and a takeout bag flew from the man’s hands. They both dropped down to pick up the fallen articles and they both mumbled “Sorry, sorry.”

Still crouched down Zayn placed the battery and phone cover back in place. As he handed him his phone, Zayn looked into the man’s face which was cast downwards while he retreived mini salt and peppers satchets from the ground. The words “sorry about that” were on Zayn's lips. He wasn't looking at a  _man_.

 _Holy shit_.

 _Holy shit_.

“Niall?”

Blue eyes snapped up. “Zayn.”

                                         XXXXX

 

 _Holy shit_.

Slowly rising to their feet, they looked at each other dumbly in the middle of the pathway. People passing along rolled their eyes as they were forced to detour around them.

Shaking his head (his mind rather) from its stupor Zayn said the first thing that came to him. “What? What are you doing here?! In Lynnwood?”

It came out sounding a bit louder and coarser than he intended. That made Niall laugh for some reason, flashing teeth that Zayn could swear didn’t used to be that straight. Niall said, “I go here. Past 2 months. Freshman.”

They stood awkwardly for a few moments before Zayn remembered how to use his mouth again, “Me too. Junior though.”

They continued staring each other up and down with wide eyes.  It shouldn’t really have shocked him that much that Niall was here. Lynnwood was only 3 hours away from their hometown so he was used to seeing a few people from high school now and then in class and around campus.

“Small world.” Niall gave him a small smile.

They were silent again, both suddenly finding the ground really interesting to look at. Niall looked up determinedly and told him, “Look, Zayn. This really doesn’t need to be awkward. All that-  _stuff_  was a long time ago.”

Zayn nodded. “Yeah. Okay.”

Niall’s smile was more genuine now. “So uh- where you headed?” As he drew slightly closer, Zayn was surprised to find that they were almost the same height now.

Zayn still felt a little out of sorts but he replied, “Actually, I live just upstairs. Came out to get some dessert.” He lifted up the bakery bag with the half-muffin in it to show him.

“Oh, smells good. I’m on my way to this frat party not too far from here. Um-  Kappa something.”

“Really. Jeez, what’s with everyone and that party?!” Zayn exclaimed incredulously, surprising Niall a little. Zayn laughed at the blonde’s slightly widened eyes and said, “No I just mean that everyone I know seems to be going there. And it’s Kappa Nu.”

Niall laughed too then. That was one thing that obviously hadn’t changed about him. “Yeah, whatever it’s called. I’m told they throw the best parties but tonight it’s supposed to be particularly epic cos they’re celebrating winning some Greek Games trophy or something.”

They both seemed to realise at the same moment that they really should move out of people’s way. They moved to the street, in between two cars parked by the curb.

Come to think of it, Zayn did remember Louis mentioning something last week about being on his way to obliterate the Omega Zetas at some Survivor type obstacle course. “A friend of mine, Louis is a Kappa,” Zayn told Niall.

Niall was really surprised now, his eyebrows high on his face. “Louis? As in your best friend from high school? Louis Tomlinson is in a frat?”

“Yeah I know, right? - I didn’t know you knew who my friends were in high school.”

Awkward silence.

Zayn continued quickly, “For some reason when we got here it was one of the first things he decided he wanted to do. So he rushed and the rest is history as they say.”

“I considered it for a while myself. Rush week I mean. But I made some really good friends in the dorms and we have a good time, I really like it there.”

Zayn decided to tease him, hoping it was still okay to do that. “So basically since I last saw you you’ve become some sort of wild party animal, Horan?”

Niall giggled, shaking his head. “Maybe? Actually, no, not really. Not any more than the next person I guess.”

A message came through on Niall’s phone and as he read it he smiled wryly. “Apparently I’m late. I should get going. It was nice seeing you, Zayn. I guess I’ll see you around?”

Zayn nodded at him, “Sure.”

“Uh- you’re friends with Louis so why aren’t you going to the party?”

“I’m just gonna stay in, had a hectic day today. Hectic week really. He’ll make me go to the next one for sure though.”

“Alright, grandpa. Have a nice night in.” Niall smirked at him cheekily and started turning to walk away. His phone buzzed loudly again and he rolled his eyes, “Man, I’m in trouble. Boyfriend’s not gonna be happy with me. I’m always late.”

Zayn took that in.  _Boyfriend_. He was happy for him and he nodded again. “Right, bye. See you Niall.”

 _Grandpa_. The kid was still a brazen little shit, Zayn thought with a smile as he made his way up the stairs. Except- he most definitely wasn’t a kid anymore, was he?


	3. Chapter 3

Zayn settled onto the couch to eat the rest of his muffin, switching the TV back on. But this time the misadventures of  _Honey Boo Boo_ couldn’t hold his attention so he went to his room to try and get some reading done. However, in his room he found his ability to concentrate was still lacking. Now that the initial unsettling feeling of being caught off-guard had faded, his mind kept drifting to the differences the years had made to Niall Horan’s physical appearance.

He was taller than before obviously, only an inch or so shorter than Zayn if even that. The previously bright blonde hair which could have only come straight from a bottle was now a more subtle blonde with darker hair showing at the roots, Zayn assumed this to be Niall’s natural brown colour.

What stuck out to Zayn the most however was his  _face-_ it had been pretty cute before but now. Now it was devoid of all the baby fat on his cheeks and around his mouth, highlighting defined features and making his blue eyes stand out brilliantly. And braces had obviously fixed the adorably crooked teeth which were now perfectly straight and blinding white.  Zayn had kind of had a soft spot for Niall’s old teeth though.

 _Well_. The past few years had obviously been very good to Niall. Just before Zayn succumbed to sleep, he finally admitted to himself the thought that had been winding around the edges of his mind all night - Niall was hot.

 

XXXX

 

He would have liked to stay in bed all day on Sunday reading and listening to the new music he’d bought on Danny’s recommendation, but then he remembered that Louis would most likely kill him. No, he would actually kill him.

He showered, dressed and made his way to the Kappa Nu house just after noon. The sounds of The Weeknd’s new album kept him company through his headphones. When he arrived outside the fraternity house, he sent Louis a text to let him in and a minute later a wild Louis thrust the door open and launched himself at him.

“Zayn! Zee! Zaynie-Zayn! My best friend is here! I seriously love you man.” Louis stumbled a little as Zayn tried to extract himself.

“Are you drunk? Why are you still drunk?” Zayn laughed as he stepped inside the house.

“Uh. That would be because I woke up with a bitch of a hangover and well- I like to fight fire with fire. So maybe I continued celebrating this morning.”

Zayn just shook his head. He followed Louis up the stairs to his room, shaking his head again at the state of the house. There were a few people passed out in random places -  _seriously?? It was past noon!-_ and the house was littered with alcohol bottles and Zayn thought he saw a purple dildo inside a half empty solo cup at the top of the stairs. The smell of it all was overpowering to say the least.

One nice thing about being one of the most senior brothers in the house was that Louis had his own room now. Zayn had  _not_  enjoyed coming here during their freshman and sophomore years when he constantly had to put up with Louis’ douche of a roommate.

Now Zayn lay back on Louis’ bed and watched his best friend bounce around the room.

“So what do you wanna do? Play Fifa? No wait- there’s this movie you need to see!  _Need_  to see!” Louis was practically screeching.

“Fine Lou. I don’t mind.” There was no negotiating with Louis when he was in this state; Zayn didn’t even know why he’d asked his opinion in the first place.

Lou excitedly put the movie in and Zayn hoped his friend hadn’t watched this movie while he was high or wasted; otherwise it was definitely going to prove to not be even half as good as Louis obviously thought it was.

Lou brushed his feathery hair off his face and jumped onto the bed, half of him landing on his best friend making Zayn go “Ow!” Louis reached for a packet of pretzels in his drawer and clumsily tore it open, spilling most of the contents on the floor and Zayn thought to himself that this was going to be a long day.

Mid-way through the movie (which yes was complete and utter crap), Louis was snoring obnoxiously against Zayn’s neck, curled up against him with his leg thrown over the other boy’s body. Zayn kind of really needed to use the bathroom and the heavy weight snoring against him wasn't helping the pressure against his bladder.

Zayn switched off the mess playing on the TV and took out his phone to text his mom and sisters, just to check up on them. Things sometimes got crazy busy here at school but he always tried to make contact with them at least once a week. In the text to Doniya he added a jab about her giving their father his new number.

He couldn’t put off going to the bathroom anymore, his bladder was screaming so he gently rolled Louis away from him and hopped off of the bed, trying to be as quiet as possible.  An asleep drunk Louis was much easier to deal with than an awake drunk one. Zayn then quickly relieved himself in the repulsively trashed communal bathroom. He felt truly sorry for whoever had to clean this house today.

Making his way back to Louis’ room he wasn’t even surprised when a door opened just before he passed it and out stepped who else but Niall Horan. Dressed in very little.

Niall clearly wasn’t surprised either because he said with a laugh, “Of course. Figures that I don’t see you for years but now I run into you twice in two days.”

Zayn nodded and smiled because yeah that sounded about right. He asked him, “What are you still doing here?”

Niall laughed a little sheepishly. “We were in no state to walk home last night so we stayed in Josh’s brother’s room. He’s away for the weekend.”

“Josh?” Zayn cocked his head.

“Uh my boyfriend. His brother lives in this house.” Niall gestured towards the closed room behind him.

Zayn was trying really hard not to notice the fact that another thing he could add to the list of things changed about Niall was that he was far from scrawny now. He was shirtless and in low-hanging boxers, and Zayn’s eyes subtly took note of a slim leanly-muscled body, distinct biceps. Abs that clenched with Niall’s movements as he leaned back against the door to get more comfortable.  Some of his hair was flopped onto his forehead but most of it was sticking up in all directions after a night of sleep.

Zayn cleared his throat. He directed his gaze back to Niall's eyes and attempted to tease the other boy. “You do know it’s almost 2 o’clock right? And from what I can see you’re only just getting up. I don’t recall you being such a slacker, Niall.”

Niall snorted, grinning broadly. “Well thing is, Josh and I didn’t actually get much sleeping done last night and this morning...” Then he seemed to remember who he was talking to and what he was saying. He blushed profusely.

Zayn forced a laugh. Niall simply observed him with clear unguarded eyes.

They were quiet for a few moments, but it wasn’t uncomfortable like the day before.

Niall broke the silence, “So how’ve you been like really? What you been up to? We didn’t get to talk much yesterday.”

Zayn leaned back against a door too so that they were facing each other directly. “Um-  I’ve been pretty good. Really good actually. Spent a year in England after high school staying with my mom’s brother. Got a bit bored after, like, the first three weeks or something. So I volunteered at the local secondary school as a tutor. And that’s what I did for the rest of year.”

Niall nodded. “I’m not surprised.  You’re a really good tutor... So you enrolled here straight after that?”

“Yeah I came here with Lou. He also took a year off. To work and get some money saved.”

“I saw quite a bit of him last night actually. He was totally hanging on me at one point, grumbling something about someone abandoning him. Liam I think he kept saying. I don’t think he recognised me at all though.” Niall laughed at this memory, his pretty teeth flashing.

Zayn shook his head. Louis Tomlinson was a problem in general. “Haven’t you ever run into Lou before at one of these things?”

“No-  This was actually my first time coming here. And it was quite an experience.” Niall propped himself forward and stretched as he spoke, before dropping his hands and leaning against the door again.

Zayn was confused. “You and Josh haven’t been to a party here before? Even though his brother lives here?”

“I’m sure Josh has been to plenty. But me and him, well we haven’t been together that long and we hadn’t actually gotten around to coming here yet.”

“Oh.”

“You look well," Niall told him suddenly, his head tilted to the side a little. "You look good I mean. Older obviously but pretty much how I remember you.” Zayn had always liked this side of Niall- the fact that he was open, honest. So he said back, “You look really good. But not at all like I remember.”

Niall barked out a loud laugh and Zayn realised what he’d said probably sounded like an insult so he amended, “No, you know what I mean. Not saying that you didn’t look good then too, but in a different way.”

They just smiled at each other.

Right then the door behind Niall opened abruptly, nearly causing him to topple backwards. His smile widened when he saw who Zayn presumed was his boyfriend Josh. “Hey,” Niall said softly.

“Hey babe. You were taking so long. Thought you might have drowned in all that mess in the bathroom, was just coming to find you.”

Zayn looked this Josh guy up and down, observing that he was pretty cute, shorter than Niall but well-built.

“I ran into an old friend.” With Niall’s words Josh noticed Zayn’s presence and he stepped forward a little, saying in a friendly tone: “Hi man.”

“Hey.” After a pause Zayn gestured towards Louis’ room and said, “Well. Let me get back inside there, make sure Lou is still breathing... Bye.”

Niall said bye but Josh was too busy gripping Niall on the hips and pulling him back in the room. Just before Zayn closed Louis’ door, he could hear Niall giggling and saying, “No wait! Stop! I really do need to go use the bathroom first.”

Zayn walked towards the bed where Louis was still passed out, his mouth wide open. So much for hanging out today, Zayn thought wryly. He lay down next to him, retrieving his phone and earphones from his pocket. He let the sounds of his favorite R&B playlist float him to sleep.

He was shaken awake by Louis some time later. “I think I fell asleep before it was over! But did you get to see the movie, did you like it?”

Zayn rolled his eyes and closed them again.

 

XXXX

 

In Zayn’s own bed that night or maybe it was in the early hours of the morning, he woke up with a start and sat up. The dream he’d just had. What the  _hell_?

It was still vivid in his mind, and he groaned as more details came back to him.

Flashes of blue eyes looking up at him from between his legs. Rough fingers scorching his skin as they were dragged over every inch of him. Him panting desperately and pushing his hips upwards towards the source of pleasure as someone stroked his cock with concentrated intent. No not  _someone_ , he knew exactly who the person in his dream was.

Zayn's fingers tightly gripping and tangling blonde locks as  _Niall_  lay his head against Zayn's thighs kissing him there, looking straight into his eyes before leaning his head forward and mouthing his balls.

Zayn urging Niall not to stop what he was doing.

The feeling of his stiff cock being completely engulfed in wet heat as Niall softly kissed the head and then worked firm lips, a magnificent tongue down the entire length. Everything became blurred after that, fuzzy. All he knew was how good it felt. And then the feeling that he might literally explode.

“Please.” Even in his dream, Zayn hadn’t been exactly sure what he was asking for.

Now here he was wide awake with his hand still wrapped around his spent dick, his stomach and thighs sticky with sweat and cum.

What. The. Actual. Fuck. He hadn’t had this kind of dream since he was-  16? He was turning 22 soon, for pete's sake!

No seriously. What the hell was that.

He figured he needed to get laid and soon. This simply wouldn’t do. The fact that he was single for some time was obviously beginning to be a problem if his subconscious was going  _there_. He conveniently and deliberately chose to avoid trying to come up with reasons behind  _who_  the subject of the dream had been. Merely added "get laid asap" to his mental to-do-list. With a sigh he settled back against his pillow and eventually fell into an uneasy sleep.


	4. Chapter 4

On a Friday afternoon in the middle of the semester, someone came up behind Zayn's seat at the end of his Advanced Lit Theory class, slotting their chin over his shoulder and dropping their arms so that they rested lazily along his chest.

He turned his head as much as he could. Caught sight of red hair and there was also a wiff of sugary-citrus perfume. Ariana.

"Ari. Hi..."

"Hey babe. So I'm having a little get-together at mine tonight. Nothing special, just a few people hanging out. Please come."

"Um...."

Her hold on him tightened painfully as he stalled.

"Sure. I'll be there."

She pecked him noisily on the cheek and let go, walking away. When her little petite self was some ways ahead she turned back around and said, "You can bring a couple people if you want. Maybe that Liam friend of yours."

Zayn paused from where he was packing his books into his bag and raised an eyebrow with a half-smile playing around on his lips. "Liam? And why would you particularly want Liam there?"

But she just laughed and said, "I didn't say I want him there particularly, now did I? Just said you can bring him. Invite Louis too."

Making his way out the lecture hall a few minutes later, Zayn thought to himself that he should probably text Ty to cancel going over to his place that evening. Ty was Zayn's... friend with benefits. For lack of a better term. Although they weren't exactly friends per se. When Zayn had called him after that  _effing Niall dream_  to "say hey", they both knew that it was really for quick uncomplicated sex. And Ty was more than happy to give him that. They'd first got together in Zayn's sophomore year and after that whenever they were both single and one of them needed the services of the other, the other would oblige no questions asked.

It was just sleeping together. No dinners, movie dates, hanging out, none of that. Ty was a nice guy though and he didn't ask for things Zayn couldn't give him like others did. In the following weeks since that call, they'd kept up their arrangement whenever one of them felt like it. It suited Zayn. He wasn't sure he would have otherwise had the energy to actively go out and find someone to have regular sex with.

_Hey. Something came up. Raincheck? Z_

After Zayn's breakup 2 months back with his boyfriend Adam of half a year, everyone from Liam to his sisters to fellow RAG members had been trying to set him up with someone or other who they always assured him was "So great! Really hot and nice. You'll like him."

But Zayn was not looking to deal with all the drama and inevitable unhappiness that came with relationships. He wouldn't ever forget the way Adam's eyes had been so still and resigned that last time. The two of them in Adam's bed after a night out that had been filled with fighting, the small space between them seeming more like a mountain. Adam didn't even try to touch him, just lay there staring at the ceiling and that's how Zayn knew that he'd finally had enough of Zayn's crap even before he spoke.

"Zayn, you're fucked up. And I can't do it anymore. You don't want this half as much as I do and I'm so tired of putting in double-effort trying to make up for what just isn't there. I'm tired of forcing you to let me in."

Zayn didn't have anything meaningful to say that might contradict or appease Adam so he just leaned over, gave him a soft kiss on the lips and an "I'm sorry", before getting up and leaving his apartment.

When Louis asked him how he felt about it being over, he admitted that he was sad but mostly relieved. At least he could stop disappointing Adam now. He no longer had to look at the way Adam's eyes would dim when Zayn didn't say "I love you too". Or when Zayn avoided discussing their future in any way or format.

"Hey, Li." Zayn rapped his knuckles against Liam's door once he arrived back at their apartment.

"Yeah, come in."

Zayn took a step into the room where Liam was typing away on his laptop at his desk. "Ariana's having a thing tonight. Do you wanna go?"

"Ariana? Um, yeah I do."

Zayn nodded and let him get back to his work. Louis was game to go too and so the three of them made their way to Ariana and Michelle's apartment on the other side of town later that night. There were about 6 other people there, draped over the couch, kitchen bar stools and a couple of them lying on the living room floor, apparently more than happy there. The smell of vodka and weed strongly permeated the air. Looked like it was gonna be a decent enough night.

......

 

"You're really beautiful." Later, Liam had long since joined Ariana on the floor and he was looking at her with a lazy very un-Liamlike smile. She giggled and covered her flushed face with one hand. Louis mouthed at Liam in what was meant to be a quiet whisper but ended being more of a stage whisper, "Yeah boy, get it!"

Louis turned to where Zayn was sitting next to him on the couch, eyes closed as he drummed his fingers along to some imaginary beat. Louis tipped himself over so that the back of his head landed in Zayn's lap. He looked up at him. "You know I love you, right."

"I love you, buddy." Zayn only ever got mushy in return when he was high.

"It's nice knowing whatever happens wherever I end up, you'll be there. But I worry about you sometimes, Z. I want to see you happy! Cos...You're a damn cool person and so few people get to see that side of you." Louis was rambling a bit but it felt imperative to him that he get this out.

"You're single too. So you're one to talk," Zayn reminded him.

"I'm not even necessarily talking about relationships though! I'm single but I'm perfectly happy. You're different. You blame yourself for shit that was never your fault and I wish you'd let it some of it go."

"Louis. I'm happy." Zayn had to look away from the accusing look in Louis' eyes that said he didn't believe him.

"People don't all suck you know."

"Whoah! Pals!" Michelle called out from her spot on the floor, "Let's ease up a little on all the heavy stuff, alright. You guys are worrying Liam, look at his face."

"I agree. Relax, smoke. That's what we're here for," Ariana drawled next to her. "But for the record, Louis is right. I don't know about all the other stuff but Zayn, you are unnecessarily hard on yourself. In general."

Zayn kind of wished they would all shut up. They were ruining his vibe. He closed his eyes again.

A while later, everyone ended up on the floor sprawled out on cushions and people's stomachs. Zayn's eyes felt really heavy but his body was relaxed and he had the nice thought that he loved a lot of people in this room.

Louis suddenly lifted his head from some poor girl's chest. ("So soft. Like marshmellows," he'd said, laying himself on her earlier.)

"Oh, hey. Forgot to tell you Zayn, there was some dude at the house... This week. Said he knows you from high school. But I don't remember him? Think I'd remember a cute-ass like that."

"Um. Niall." Zayn replied. Something in his chest jumped at the mention of the blonde but he forced it down. After running into him twice, he'd kind of expected to keep seeing Niall around, expected him to pop up randomly as Zayn went about campus. But he hadn't seen him in over a month, since that day at Louis' house.

"Yes! Niall, that's what he said his name was. Couldn't remember. Weird name."

Ariana, across from him, was watching Zayn's face with interest through hazy eyes but she didn't say anything. Just watched him, her head propped up in one hand.

"He did go to our school, Lou. Little younger though."

"Alright, if you say so. Anyway he was there with Ben's brother. Being so adorable together that me and Ben nearly puked all over them."

"Uh. Good for him. For them." Zayn could still feel Ariana's eyes on him but he resolutely refused to ackowledge her.

She spoke up then,"So were you close to this guy? What's the story here?"

"There is no story. We went to the same school, tutored him for a couple of months, never saw him again." Zayn rolled his eyes as she continued to scrutinise him.

 "Hmm. Ok." She turned to Louis then and gave him a look Zayn didn't understand. Louis looked confused for a moment but then he glanced at Zayn and  he seemed to understand something because he got this worrying smile on his face.

 _Whatever_ , Zayn decided. He didn't even care enough right now to ask.

The other few guests eventually left after midnight but Zayn, Louis and Liam stayed over in Michelle's room while she slept in Ariana's. It was a tight fit, the three boys in one bed, but not too bad. They were too tired and loose-bodied to notice any real discomfort.

"Psssst. Z!" Louis hissed lowly when they were all settled under the covers.

"Why are you whispering? If it's so I can't hear, you are failing," Liam mumbled from the edge of the bed. Louis lay in the middle.

"Zayn," Louis said in a more normal-volume voice. "If you want I can get that guy's number for you. Discreetly."

"Huh? Who, Niall? He's got a boyfriend, you idiot." Zayn's mind was already fading, he really just wanted to sleep.

"Aha!" Louis exclaimed triumphantly. "So that's the only thing stopping you? If he didn't, you'd jump on that."

"What? No. Just shut up Lou. I don't even know the guy anymore. Why would I 'jump on that'?"

"Dunno, besides the obvious fact that he's hot. You tell me. Tell me why you kept doing that nervous thing where you bite the inside of your cheek whenever he was brought up."

"Go to sleep Louis. Liam tell him to go to sleep."

"Go to sleep Louis," Liam complied.

"Fine. But you shouldn't keep things from me, Zayn. There's more to this. Something's going on... Or maybe something happened back in high school... Or both?"

Zayn wished that Louis didn't get so annoyingly intuitive after smoking. He ignored him, feigning sleep, although he didn't have to fake it for long before he was breathing slowly and heavily, passed out for real.

He missed the ensuing conversation between Liam and Louis. Didn't get to hear Liam say, "Exactly what are you doing? You and Ariana were both being weird."

"I'm not completely sure yet. But there's something Zayn is avoiding. Now that I think of it this Niall dude was entirely too...  _casual_. When he asked me if Zayn was around lately. I'm thinking, you only go out of your way to act like you don't care when you do care. But wish you didn't. Or when you don't want people to know you care."

Liam sighed into the pillow. "May I remind you that you don't even know the guy... Aren't we just  _full_  of insight today?"

"I try."

"Just let it go though, maybe? People don't like to be pushed. If it's meant to be or whatever then it will be."

Louis snorted. "Meant to be? Life isn't some fairytale, Payne. You have to make things happen for yourself. Anyway I'm not gonna do anything. Not really. I just look forward to seeing how it all plays out."

"I don't like the sound of that. What do you mean by 'not really'?"

Louis was uncharacteristically quiet.

"Louis..."

"Okay! That RAG hottie-auction thingy next week, maybe I'm going to invite Ben and tell him to invite his adorable brother and his even more adorable boyfriend along all in the name of charity . Then Niall will be there. And so will Zayn."

"Louis... That's a terrible idea. Not to mention stupid. Key word there is boyfriend."

"I'm not setting them up or anything. I swear. I just want to see the two of them together, try to figure out what the deal is!"

"If Zayn finds out he'll kill you. If he does, I knew nothing about any of this."

Louis was apparently not too worried. "Shhhhhh, Li, shhhhhh. Don't worry so much. Sleep, Liam. Have wicked dreams about Ari."

Zayn was the first to wake up in the morning. Louis and Liam both still had their heads buried under the covers, arms and legs flung every which way. He had no real desire to actually get out of the bed though, so he didn't. He tried to remember everything that was said last night, what had happened, but some things were fuzzier than others. He did however remember Louis describing Niall and Josh as being really cute together or something. And he couldn't lie to himself, he hadn't been exactly overjoyed to hear that then and it still made his insides fill with something unpleasant this morning.

Everything was a little confused in his head and he couldn't quite sort it all out at the moment. His mind was a tangle of high-school-Niall, now-Niall, guilt over Adam, his own shortcomings, his family. So many thoughts going through his mind all at once that he couldn't reach a resolution for any of it. He just wished that things weren't so hard all the time.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the chapter where we go into Niall's head briefly, see everything from his point of view.

How to explain it all?  _The first cut is the deepest_? Such a cliched saying, Niall mused. But if the shoe fits...

Before Zayn became his tutor, Niall already knew of him. The guy was smoking hot and that was something 15 year-old Niall, only recently comfortable with his sexuality, couldn't fail to notice.

Zayn Malik. Resident bad boy. But Niall had a feeling even in the beginning that his reputation as a rebel was at least a little exaggerated. Because Niall would pass him in the hallways occasionally and each time, the blonde would sneak a quick glance at those eyes. He didn't even know what colour described them properly. Hazel? Amber? Golden brown, maybe? Zayn's eyes, framed by thick long lashes Niall longed to feel fluttering against his skin, were all these colours and more.

But more importantly, his eyes seemed  _kind_. The look in his eyes seemed kind of quiet. So Niall knew that he couldn't really be as scary as some people assumed.

It was just a little crush. At first anyway. In the mornings after his mom dropped him off, Niall passed the bikesheds behind the library on his way to meet his friends in the music wing. Zayn would be there sometimes, a few times with Louis or Danny but mostly alone, one foot propped against the wall behind him as he slowly puffed on a cigarette. Totally oblivious to his surroundings, lost in thought. And Niall wondered what had the other guy looking so pensive.

But it was only an innocent crush. Niall's heart would thud whenever Zayn was in the near vicinity and it wasn't unpleasant. It was fun to swoon with his friends, guys and girls alike, over hot seniors like Zayn Malik and his crazy (and a little frightening) friend Louis Tomlinson.

Then one day his nice English teacher came to him with the suggestion that he get tutored by a senior. She said that she saw potential in him for much more than the low scores he was currently getting. And that she would still help him after class whenever he asked, but maybe it wouldn't be a bad idea to get more personal consistent help.

When she told him the name of the senior she had in mind, Niall nearly choked and sputtered. It was one thing to giggle over Zayn with his friends, from afar, but to actually be expected to be in his company, talk to him- form coherent sentences- Niall panicked more than a little. Of course he couldn't explain all this to Ms Hayden so he was forced to nod robotically and mumble out,"Ok. Thanks."

She said that Zayn would contact him later to plan a meeting and as the hours passed that day and Niall got more and more nervous, he was relieved when he didn't hear from Zayn. He thought that maybe he would get another week to plan how to act in order not to make a complete fool of himself in front of his crush.

But alas. At half an hour to midnight when Niall was already in bed, a text came through and the thought that Zayn had his number (and now he had Zayn's) brought a flurry of activity to Niall's stomach.

He just hoped his reply wasn't too stupid.

He didn't hate the fact that his friends were jealous at school the next day, especially Samantha. The bubbly bass clarinet player with cat-eye glasses and purple braces covering her teeth was ever so innocent looking but she had quite the potty mouth. Niall and the others spent most of every lunch period listening to her wax lyrical about all the things she'd do to Zayn if she ever got him alone.

"He wouldn't know what hit him. I'd pounce on that dick and ride him 'til I'd drained all the semen out him."

"Look at that cute little ass. I hope to lick sweat off it one day. And have him return the favour."

"You guys think I'm listening to whatever dumb argument you're having but really I'm wondering if Zayn carries normal or ribbed condoms. Ribbed, I hope it's ribbed."

Well, you get the idea. She was Niall's best friend and he loved that she freely voiced some of his dirtiest thoughts about the sexy senior.

Even though she admitted that she was very nearly nauseous with jealousy over Niall's new tutoring arrangement, she still calmed Niall down after school when she saw how tense he was about meeting up with Zayn.

After a pep-talk that included her telling him that he was wonderful and gorgeous and funny and that anyone who met him loved him, she sent him on his way to the library with a pat on the butt and a, "Go get that ass, baby! If it can't be me, I'm glad it's you!"

So Niall officially met Zayn and was glad to find that despite the older boy's guarded demeanor that discouraged any overt friendliness, Zayn was a great tutor. He had a knack for explaining things in a way that made Niall's assignments seem much more doable.

And over the weeks he slowly let Niall in. Even without observing Zayn around other people, Niall  _knew_  that this was an accomplishment on his part. Zayn was still reserved but there were increasing times where he spoke to Niall like an equal, told him a bit about what was going on with his douchebag of a Dad, how excited he was to be leaving Glenmore after high school. But a lot of the time, Niall couldn't pinpoint what they spoke about. Life. Bullshit. It was nice. He didn't seem like it at first but Zayn was actually funny, silly even, when he wanted to be.

And even though the senior was still so fucking pretty that it was almost unfair, the other things are what made Niall fall hard. The mellowness, smoothness of his voice that had Niall asking him to repeat things sometimes, even when he'd heard him just fine the first time. The way his solemn face was instantly transformed the second he truly laughed, eyes crinkling upwards and his nose scrunched. If he was laughing at something Niall had said, Niall would feel a rush of warm happiness settle omewhere between his chest and the pit of his stomach.

Zayn was really patient- Niall saw that firsthand during their tutoring sessions, but more so during the few times when he'd speak to one of his sisters on the phone while Niall was there. He was always willing to drop everything to attend to them. If one of them was stranded somewhere he was there, if one of them needed something from the store he'd go, no complaints.

Sometimes Zayn's attention would wander during quiet moments and when Niall looked at him he got this urge to wrap his arms around his thin torso, hold him there until the tension left his body, tell him everything would be okay.

At night Niall would lie in bed, panting into the stillness of his room, his knees bent up as he wrapped a palm around himself. Pumping his dick to a steady rhythm he'd try to think of some porn scenes he'd watched or of a celebrity he really wanted to get with. But his mind always returned to Zayn, especially when he was close to reaching his limit. He'd imagine that Zayn was in the room with him and he'd almost be able to smell that intoxicating mixture of cologne and faint nicotine.

He'd close his eyes and imagined that it was Zayn's hand, Zayn's hot mouth on him instead of his own hand. And sometimes he would brush fingers around and just barely inside the rim of his hole, and almost cry out at the thought of what it might feel like to have Zayn filling him, sliding his dick against his inner muscles, thrusting for all he was worth and murmuring how much he wanted Niall, how amazing he felt. Thinking these thoughts he would come with a smothered whimper, the image of Zayn's face just behind his eyelids.

"Niall, you should just tell him." This came from his friend Matt one day at lunch. Niall had long since confessed to his friends that he was stupidly, crazily in love.

"I don't know, guys...," Samantha looked worried."I mean I'm all for people y'know, going all out but I don't want you to get hurt, Ni."

"Maybe you're just jealous, Sam. We all know you like Zayn too." Matt looked around the table for confirmation as if to say,  _Right? You're all thinking it!_  But everyone decidedly looked elsewhere.

"Shut up, you spazz. Niall is my best friend, first of all. And secondly I don't  _like_ -like Zayn. I think he's hot and given the chance I would've jumped his bones. Before Niall fell for him." She turned to Niall as she went on, "It's nearly the end of the school year. Has he given you any indication that he wants more, any at all?"

Niall looked unsure.

Samantha sighed. "He's leaving soon, babe. What is it that you want to happen after you tell him?"

"I don't know," Niall admitted."But I can't just keep it in. Like you said he's leaving and who knows when or if I'll ever see him again. What if I miss out on something great by not letting him know how much he means to me? I need to know if there's a chance he feels something too."

Sam twirled a long curly strand of hair between her fingers as she thoughtfully mulled his words over. But she still looked unconvinced. Eventually she said,"Okay. But just go in with no expectations okay? That sounds mean but. I can see you genuinely care a lot about him and I don't want you getting hurt if you don't get what you want out of it."

To Niall's dismay, it turned out she was right. Zayn didn't feel the same way and what almost made it worse was that he was so damn nice about it.

After the tearing of Niall's heart into two, after the torrents of tears into his pillow, what was mostly left under all the sadness was  _mortification_. Niall was so embarrassed. What had he been thinking confessing his feelings? He couldn't even look at Zayn anymore knowing that he'd made a fool of himself and ruined a growing friendship at the same time.

Niall was relieved when the school year ended. It also meant the end of his torture.

He never saw Zayn after that. Until now that is, his freshman year in college. Niall didn't exactly like the way he immediately recognised Zayn's voice even before he looked into his face when they literally bumped into each other and his former tutor said in shock, "Niall?!"

And goddammit, why was the guy still such a sight for sore eyes. That rough-looking stubble across his jaw was not a bad addition, at all. It was really sexy if anything.

But anyway, Niall had Josh and Josh was great. Josh was a lot like Niall himself, uncomplicated, easygoing and things were good between them. Simple. Fun. Since the last time he'd seen Zayn, Niall was older in more ways than one, recently turned 19, wiser. He knew that what had happened in high school wasn't anyone's fault. Although it still made his cheeks burn if he thought about it for too long.

So yeah, the thought of Zayn being so near after all this time was marginally unnerving but nothing Niall couldn't handle. Lynnwood was a big campus anyway, more than enough room for two people not to get in each other's way.


	6. Chapter 6

The annual RAG Hottie Auction was exactly what it sounded like: every year at Cowson Hall on the East campus, the most attractive RAG members were auctioned off to other college students and members of the public younger than 25. The proceeds went to an HIV/AIDS charity. The highest bidders got to spend 4 hours with their "hottie" immediately after the auction, doing anything they wanted but RAG always strongly insisted that these dates take place in public areas if the bidder was a stranger.

In his freshman year, Zayn had protested strongly when his then-media committee leader put him on the auction list but nowadays he didn't even bother to argue. It wouldn't get him anywhere, even though he still hated standing on that stage, all eyes on him as the entire crowd looked him up and down. 

Louis, Liam and Zayn's other roommate Nathan arrived in the mid-morning to help set up, when it was still just RAG members milling about in the hall. Louis apparently wanted to get prime seats to check out the talent upclose before he parted with any money. When all the music equipment and banners were set up, people started to trickle in, the buzz in the Hall growing with excited chatter. Zayn saw a lot of people he knew or recognised making their way to various seats including Louis' Kappa brother Ben, some curly haired guy and- Niall. Who were all heading straight towards Zayn and his friends.

Niall looked surprised too. The two of them kind of just watched Ben and Louis do some weird Kappa fistbump-handshake thing for a moment before Niall turned to him and said, "Zayn. Hey. I didn't know you would be here."

"I'm always at these things. I'm a RAG member," Zayn explained. Up close he saw how nice Niall looked today, dressed in a light blue fitted sweater and dark jeans.

"Oh? That's awesome." Niall was smiling now at least. "Ben invited me and Josh. But Josh couldn't make it, he's got an exam this morning. I still thought I should come though, good cause and all."

Zayn didn't notice Louis cackle, "Even better!" and the way Liam shoved at him with an elbow.

The curly-haired boy was hanging on the edge of their group a bit awkwardly, staring towards his shoes and Niall said, "Oh sorry! I'm being rude. Everyone this is my friend Harry, we share a room in the dorms."

Awkward introductions ensued. When Harry got to Zayn he said a little cryptically but not in a way that was unfriendly,"You're Zayn." Zayn nodded, because what else was he meant to do? Niall coughed once and Harry moved on to be introduced to Louis.

Louis then introduced Niall and Harry to Liam and Nathan, and by the time all the introductions were out the way, Ed the event MC was making his way to the stage. The auction was starting. Girls first, so Zayn could still relax for now. He took a seat between Niall and Harry.

The bids were decent, Zayn was happy to see. Most girls were auctioned off for at least $40. They'd make a good amount of money this year. Liam forked out $55 when some creepy looking guy who didn't look like a student kept bidding higher and higher on Ariana.

When one of the girls slipped on her way from the stage, falling flat on her ass and losing one high heel, Zayn really tried not to laugh, but then he caught Harry's eye next to him. There was a second where Zayn bit his lip desperately before they both couldn't hold it in, crouching over in their seats and gasping. Niall laughed too but at the two of them, "Really mature, guys."

Soon enough, one of the events committee members signalled to Zayn and a few other guys that they should start making their way backstage. Zayn sighed, standing up. Harry and Niall looked up at him in surprise and Harry said, "Oh! So you're on auction too?"

"Yes, little Harold!" Louis felt the need to reply from the other side of Harry. "Our Zaynie is quite the hit each year."

"Well, this should be... fun," Harry said, grinning at Louis.

As Zayn walked away from them, he said, "You guys should bid. I don't mean, like, on me. But only Liam and Nathan have actually won anything so far."

They all waved him off with vague "yeah-yeah okay"s and Harry murmured in his drawl, "Don't worry, we'll bid. Won't we, Niall?"

Backstage, the guys were made to stand in a straight line like pre-schoolers, waiting for their turn to go on stage. Zayn was 10th so he still had a while to wait. Like every other year, some guys had chosen to go shirtless and this time one was even dressed in a fireman uniform. Who knew where the hell he'd gotten that from. Like every other year, Zayn was dressed like he would on any normal day- which today was black jeans, Nirvana t-shirt and his trusty leather jacket.

Finally, it was his turn. He knew that a lot of the girls and guys chose to strut on stage and dance along to the music pounding from the huge speakers, but there was no way he was doing that. He walked to the centre of the stage, hands in his pockets, trying not to trip over his own feet.

As with most of the "hotties", there were screams from the crowd as soon as he appeared. He listened with heated cheeks as Ed bellowed into the microphone in his best sales-pitch voice, "And here we have Zayn Malik, ladies and gentlemen. Just look at those magnificent cheekbones. Zayn is 21 years old, best jawline on campus, an English Literature major. We all know there's no resisting a beautiful mind when it comes in such a sexy package. Shall we start the bidding at $10?"

"$10!!" A female voice towards the back of the hall. Followed immediately by another. "$15!"

"$20! He's so hot!" Louis in a high-pitched scream as he and Harry doubled over cackling. Zayn glared at them.

"$30 over here." A dark-haired dude Zayn knew from a few of his classes.

"30... 30... 36 dollars!" A girl near the front who appeared to be counting the change in her purse.

She pouted and put the change back inside when someone else shouted, "$40!"

"$45," the dark-haired guy countered. Zayn didn't remember his name, but he knew that he was a nice enough guy from the few times they spoke.

Zayn's attention was pulled towards his so-called friends by a minor tussle going on there. Harry was hissing something at Niall and trying to grab his arm while Louis appeared to be encouraging Harry, nodding wildly in agreement. Niall was gesturing towards the stage as he hissed back. Liam just sank low in his chair.

Meanwhile. "Yeah alright, $50!" Another girl. Blonde, sexy.

Then a quieter, deeper voice."$55." Wait- that was Niall.

"$60!" Zayn's dark-haired classmate, looking annoyed now as he shot an angry look in Niall's direction.

This only succeeded in bringing a smirk to Niall's face as he said, "$65!!" Louder than before.

The other guy bit his lip and shook his head. Ed waited for a few moments then shouted, "$65! Going once, going twice...Sold! To this lovely blonde gentleman in the front here."

After avoiding Zayn's eye the entire bidding time, now Niall looked straight at him and shrugged, grinning widely.

Zayn walked off the stage in a slight daze. While he waited for Ed to wrap this whole thing up, one thought ran through his mind. He was going somewhere with Niall. He was going out with Niall?

.................

Zayn and Ariana waited backstage where the winning bidders were going to meet them after paying their money to the RAG treasurer. When he told her who he was spending the next 4 hours with, her eyes widened comically as she said, "Niall... Isn't that the guy we were all talking about on Friday?"

Niall and Liam were among the last to enter the backstage area and they shyly made their way over once Liam spotted Ariana. She stood up looking really happy and she winked at Zayn as Liam took her arm and they left.

Zayn stood up too and faced Niall. Said, "Um. Thanks for bidding, I know you didn't have to. It's for a group of really deserving people."

Niall offered him his arm to be escorted away and said, "No problem. I think this will be fun."

He added, "There was this one guy in a fireman uniform though who came on after you. Wow. Unfortunately, my funds were already committed."

Zayn laughed and shoved at him. Niall stumbled, giggling. "Kidding!"

They walked out of the Hall which was now mostly empty, their shoulders brushing with every step. Zayn dropped a few notes into the box for further donations outside the door. Outside, Niall turned to him and asked, "So what do you want to do?"

That was the million dollar question. How to pass 4 hours? Lunch maybe? Or a movie? Or maybe something a little less formal.

Zayn said,"Let's grab a few sandwiches from the Deli and take them to the park down the road. We can hang out there."

"Okay. That sounds good."

Zayn, remembering Niall's fondness for food, bought sandwiches, juice, muffins and potato chips for the two of them.

"My treat," he insisted when Niall looked like he was about to protest. "Niall, I think you've already spent more than enough today. Let me at least do this."

Niall let out a little laugh and said, "Confession time. I only had like $30 on me. When I came today it's not like I was expecting you to- Anyway, Harry and Louis said they'd pay the rest if I bid anyway."

Zayn groaned."I saw something going on there. Those two need to be kept far apart. They made you, didn't they?"

"Sort of. But not really." Niall gave him a sincere smile. "C'mon, this will be fun. We can spend the time plotting our revenge if you like."

"Ha!... Alright. Or we can just eat, chill."

When they walked into the large park, Zayn was about to head for a park bench opposite a brightly-coloured jungle gym but Niall went straight for the grass, plopping himself down flat on his back. Zayn stopped in his tracks for a second and then walked over to him, taking his jacket off before lying next to him.

"This feels really nice actually." Zayn was somewhat surprised. The grass was soft against his back and the rays of sun warmed him all over.

"Yep. It does."

"I could spend the whole day like this."

"Me too. Sometimes I do."

They lay comfortably like that for long minutes, Niall munching on chicken salad sandwiches and Zayn on a chocolate muffin.

"I wasn't joking earlier. Lou is bad enough on his own, but with that Harry friend of yours thrown in the mix who knows what chaos he could cause."

Niall snorted."I can see you're serious. But it can't be that bad. What could they possibly do?"

"I don't know and I hope it stays that way. Oh- you laugh now! But you haven't had to deal with Louis Tomlinson for the past 15 odd years."

"You've been friends that long? That's something special."

"Yeah... I guess it is. He's nuts sometimes but really, I don't know what I'd do without the guy."

"It's nice that you guys are still together. Here, I mean. I really miss my friend Sam. Well, I miss all my high school friends, but sometimes I just need her specifically y'know? She always knew what to do, the right thing to say."

Niall sighed a little as he pulled at random grass blades. "Especially lately, I could really use that kind of advice."

"You could always call her if you need to talk?"

But Niall explained that it just wasn't the same."Different time zones too, we're both really busy and it's not easy."

Zayn nodded because he understood that. "You say you need advice... anything I can help with?"

"Um. No, not really. I decided to kinda just wing it for now, not stress too much over any of it."

Zayn smiled at him."Sounds like a plan to me."

"As for the Louis and Harry thing, I guess I probably shouldn't tell you that when I left them they were saying something about how they need to hit some club downtown tonight?"

Zayn shook his head in mock dismay."It's already begun. You should have stopped it."

"Sorry. If only you'd let me know sooner." Niall suddenly pointed upwards. "Look there... It's a shoe!"

Zayn squinted at the stray cloud Niall was pointing at. "No. It's really not. It's more of a witch's hat."

"I feel bad for you if you think that's a hat. Your eyesight is failing you already. Sad."

"In what world is that a shoe? I have never seen a shoe shaped like that in my life. Where and how would you even start putting your foot in?"

"You lack imagination, Malik.  _Look_. There's the sole and there's the heel. There's the toe-part thingy." Niall reached over and grabbed his palm in his and Zayn's fingers actually tingled. Niall guided their hands towards the sky, pointing in the general direction of each item he named. Zayn turned his head towards the blonde but Niall was still grinning up at the sky as he casually brought their hands back down and let go.

"I missed you, you know."

Niall's head turned abruptly to meet his gaze."Wha-huh?"

Zayn looked away before looking back a second later. "After we stopped talking, in high school. We were friends. Or getting there."

Niall let out a breath and said slowly, "Me too. I missed having you around too.- I'm really sorry about all that."

"You don't have anything to be sorry for."

"I know... But I kinda do. I shouldn't have stopped talking to you altogether."

"I get why you did it." Brown eyes observed blue ones."I could have... explained myself a bit better. I tried but I think you still felt like I was rejecting you."

"Uh. Weren't you? You said you didn't like me like that."

"Yeah, I didn't. But not because it was you specifically. You were really young Ni and I had-  _have_  some really set opinions about age in relationships, like younger and older people getting together. Look, it's a bit complicated. I can't really explain right now but you should know that you were great. Still are."

"You called me Ni..."

"Oh. Is that not okay?"

"No it is." Niall smiled at him. "Okay, I can't say I totally get what you're saying.  _But_... it means a lot to know it wasn't me. It was just - stuff, I guess?"

Zayn nodded.

"So this age stuff... You only date people the same age as you? I'm just trying to understand."

"No... not exactly. Um, I guess I date people who're in the same life stage as me, if that makes sense. Like, someone who's on the same page, not miles ahead of me and not behind me either."

Niall thought this over as their gazes returned to the sky. Zayn closed his eyes when Niall began absent-mindedly tracing soft patterns along his wrist, over his forearm. It seemed like the right thing to do to be the one to take his hand this time and hold it.

Hours passed as they argued over more cloud shapes and talked. Zayn's neck and back were stiff at this point, but it wasn't too bad if he shifted positions now and again. The sky had darkened and they'd just finished the rest of the food when Niall suddenly shot up.

"Shit!" He scrambled for his phone and looked at the screen."It's already gone past 7. I was meant to meet Josh over an hour ago. I've got like 5 messages."

Josh. Zayn shut his eyes to block the image of Niall hurriedly gathering his things. The spell of this afternoon was broken.

When he opened his eyes, Niall was standing, looking uncertainly down at him."Let's get going. You aren't staying here, are you? It's late."

Zayn walked Niall to Josh's dorm building which luckily wasn't too far from the park. The walk was silent and when they got to the front door they stopped and faced each other.

"You should go. He's probably waiting for you."

Niall nodded with a small smile. "Yeah. Just wanted to say thanks. I had a really nice day."

"Me too. So... I'll see you. Tell Josh it's my fault we stayed too long."

Niall watched him walk away before turning and going inside.


	7. Chapter 7

In the weeks that followed the Hottie Auction, the five boys became a motley clique of sorts; different friendships forming and intertwining until they were all tangled up in each other's lives. First was Louis, Zayn and Liam of course; they came as a pre-made package deal. Then Louis and Harry started hanging out a lot; then Louis and Harry and Niall; then Louis and Harry and Niall and Zayn; then Liam and Zayn and Harry.

Eventually, everyone was friends with everyone and they didn't remember that it hadn't been that way right from the start.

Harry, Louis and Niall would come over to Liam and Zayn’s apartment on most Sundays, and they would pig out and watch movies they’d all seen a million times before. Or if Liam was out with a girl and Harry was at the Kappa house getting up to God knows what with Louis, Niall would come alone.

Zayn liked those times best. He liked the way everything seemed lighter, easier, when Niall was around. Zayn knew that he himself wouldn’t ever be referred to as someone who lit up a room or anything remotely like that but that description did Niall some justice. Just by being there and talking random shit and making dumb jokes, Niall could get Zayn to crack a smile even when just 5 minutes earlier he'd been in the sort of pissy mood that made even Louis wary.

The two of them fell into the laidback comfortable friendship they'd been headed towards in high school. (Although perhaps the new friendship was not always comfortable because sometimes they’d be sitting there together and out of nowhere a heady  _feeling_  would fill the room and Zayn would feel it and he would act like he didn’t. But anyway.)

On one of those days when Niall had come over by himself, they were watching Finding Nemo, sitting a few spaces apart on the living room couch when Zayn’s phone rang.

“Doniya, hey. You alright?” Zayn was a little bit worried; it was strange for his sister to be calling. Usually she just sent texts at random hours and silly rambling emails.

“Yeah, everything’s fine. Um. Look, don’t get mad, okay... ”

“Mad about what. What happened?”

“Dad wants to know if you might consider meeting with him. He says you won’t answer his calls.”

“Doniya-”

“Wait. Before you yell-  I more than understand why you don’t want to talk to him and you have every right to be pissed. It took me a long time to forgive him too. But all he’s asking for is that you hear him out.”

“There’s nothing he could say that I’d want to hear. I wish you would just leave it the hell alone!” Zayn sat up from where’d been leaning back on the couch.

“Zayn please. I’m not trying to upset you. I just want, I want our family to be close again like we used to be.”

Zayn was almost sad for her. But mostly he wished that she would see things for what they were. “All that is finished, it’s never going to be like it used to. They’re divorced for goodness sake.”

She was quiet. When her voice came back on the line it was smaller and he felt bad. “I know that. But that doesn’t mean he can’t be in our lives anymore.”

“Not in my life. D, listen I have to go. Can we talk later?” Zayn had just noticed Niall watching him with worried eyes.

Zayn sighed and set his phone down, closing his eyes for a moment. He was expecting Niall’s voice when he heard it.

“Is everything okay?”

“Yeah.”

Niall moved a little closer. “You sure? I don’t mean to get in your business if you don’t want me there, but you can talk to me.” His face was uncharacteristically serious. “I remember you telling me back then that your Dad cheated and your parents were getting divorced. I couldn’t help hearing your end of the conversation now-  How’s everyone been? Since then?”

They were heading towards something Zayn did not want to discuss, at all. He didn’t want to have to explain that there was a lot more to the story. Things he didn’t want to get into.

“Everything’s fine, they're all fine. Just my sister being a pain as usual.” Zayn hoped he sounded convincing but the look Niall gave him shattered that illusion quickly.

But the blonde obviously decided not to push because he just said, “Okay. Well if you do ever want to talk I’m here, y'know. Anytime.”

Zayn nodded and they went back to watching the movie. But neither of them were really concentrating anymore. Zayn’s thoughts were elsewhere but he didn't miss the way Niall kept glancing at him, brows furrowed.

..............

When it was the five of them hanging out, many times they'd find themselves at some party or a rowdy Greek event Louis convinced them to attend. Josh would come too sometimes. Which was why one Saturday evening, all six of them were at a house party of some older brother of Niall and Harry’s classmate from their Computer Science class.

And everything was going great for most of the night; they were all buzzed and silly and happy. Although Zayn didn’t so much enjoy how Josh kept hugging Niall and pulling him onto his lap and whispering whatever into his ear and sneaking kisses on his neck. Sheesh,  _clingy_   _much._ Was all that touching really necessary.

When a fight broke out just past the living room doorway between a beefy sophomore and his girlfriend, the party went somewhat awry.

The guy was yelling at her, furious and unrelenting, and she was trying to calm him down with gentle words and light touches. He threw horrible insult after insult at her, apparently convinced that she’d been eyeing another man at the party.

The girl kept trying to defend herself but when she saw that she wasn’t getting anywhere and at the insistence of her two friends nearby, she tried to walk away. He lurched at her and grabbed her arm, twisting it painfully.

And it was awful to watch because she was tiny, not more than 5’2 and he was huge. She and her friends screamed at him to let go but he just twisted again as she attempted to wrestle free. Niall, who was nearest out of all of them tried to intervene, striding towards the couple until he was beside them. “Let go of her man. There’s no need for that.”

"And who the fuck are you? Mind your own fucking business, you little shit!" The guy looked at Niall with eyes blazing and then punched at him with sudden vigour, his aim landing with a resounding thud in the middle of Niall's chest.

Niall flew backwards and crashed into the wall just behind him, his head jolting backwards then snapping forward when he hit. Zayn could tell that the air had been knocked out of his lungs by the way he slumped to the floor and took in long painful dragging gasps of air, his eyes still wide with surprise. Liam and Josh rushed to help him up, swearing furiously at the guy who'd just hit him.

Watching the scene enfold Zayn literally felt his body temperature escalating from cool to searing hot in seconds. He was so  _angry_  his hands trembled and he could barely see straight, the only things really registering being Niall struggling to breathe and the fucking prat who seemingly didn't care because he'd already turned back to face his horrified girlfriend. Zayn had never really been one to raise his voice, yell; but now he felt something close to that rising up in his throat and he had to force it back down with a bitter gulp. He quickly pushed his way past the people lined along the edges watching the fight, his glare focused on that bastard with sole-minded purpose.

"Hey, asshole." Something about the pure iciness in Zayn's voice made the guy turn around.

"Oh you want a piece t-" Before the man could finish his sentence, Zayn hit him square in the jaw, fist clenched tight and teeth gritted. The second the other man stumbled backwards Zayn advanced on him and aimed again, hitting him on the same spot. The guy swore as his head was flung to the side. He righted himself, narrowed his eyes and swung back catching Zayn hard against the cheek.

But when he brought his fist forward again Zayn ducked and swirled around him, kicking at him behind his knees so that they gave away and he toppled ridiculously to the floor. The guy was big but alcohol made him sloppier than he perhaps would have been normally.

Holding him down before he could react, Zayn slammed twice at his face. The young man cried out and his hands flew up to cover him nose. "Fuck, man! I think you broke something!"

His fist positioned high to punch him again, Zayn looked down at the worthless piece of trash below him and the way that he wasn't fighting back anymore, the way blood was leaking from some orifice on his face.

Zayn dropped his arm and released his hold-  fighting, violence, this wasn't Zayn. And this guy wasn't worth it. Breathing raggedly, Zayn slowly stood up and took a step back. He found that everyone's eyes were on him and his friends didn’t seem to be moving or speaking.

Louis. Harry. Josh. Liam. Niall. They were all looking at him with big eyes. Louis seemed to snap out of it first. He walked towards Zayn a bit cautiously but when he reached him, he wrapped an arm around his shoulder and said, "C'mon. Let's go get some air."

Zayn let himself be led outside, to a tree in the yard and then the two of them were leaning against it. Zayn was puffing on a cigarette Louis had thoughtfully lit for him, and Lou stared at him in awe.

"Shit, Zayn-  I mean that guy deserved it for sure. But I've never seen you- you haven't been in a fight since we were kids. And definitely never like that. What was that?"

Zayn was silent, choosing to rather concentrate on the feeling of hot smoke filling his airways as his breathing finally calmed down. But fuck, his hand hurt.

Liam joined the two of them a few minutes later. He ran a hand over his face and slotted in the spot next to Zayn. "Are you alright?"

Zayn shrugged.

The three of them stood there quietly, the only sound being of Zayn inhaling and blowing smoke from the corner of his mouth every now and again. Eventually Zayn dropped his cigarette butt and dug it into the ground with his shoe. He glanced at his friends once, and slowly started to head back towards the house.

"Zayn? Uh, where are you going?" Liam asked as they followed him nervously.

"Back to the party. Duh. What do you think, I'm going to go fight some more?"

"Yes. Something like that." Louis caught up to him and his blue gaze quickly flickered across Zayn’s face. He was trying to work out if he had really calmed down and Zayn tried to reassure him, "I'm fine."

When they entered the living room, Zayn leading the way, they spotted Harry and Niall on the couch. Niall stood up as soon as he saw them.

He rushed to meet Zayn halfway. "Zayn! Are you okay? I wanted to come out to you but Harry thought you probably wanted some time to cool down. Are you okay?" Niall asked again. He brought a hand up towards the reddened mark on Zayn's cheek but he didn't touch it.

Zayn tried to offer him a smile. "I'm fine. And you, how’s your chest?"

"It's nothing. I'm okay."

"Is that asswipe still here?" Zayn's eyes searched the vicinity.

"No, he's gone..." Niall gently took Zayn's injured hand in both of his and examined it. He looked up at him, concerned. "Maybe we should get some ice on this."

Liam, who'd sat down next to Harry on the couch, asked around to nobody in particular, "Anyone seen Josh? He borrowed my phone earlier."

"He gave it to me, said he was taking off. He was over this crap party," Harry explained.

"And he left without Niall?" Louis sounded stunned.

"It's not like that. I told him I wanted to stay," Niall answered for himself. He joined Harry and Liam on the couch, and Louis and Zayn followed suit. The five of them sat pressed together, not really saying much, as they watched the party around them.

Later when Zayn stood outside having another smoke, it was Harry joined who him. Harry asked to try the cigarette for some reason and when he took a cautious drag he promptly coughed a little and made a disgusted face before handing it back.

“So. All of us probably wanted to hit that dude tonight, Zayn. But I'm sort of just wondering why  _you_ got so mad you looked like a madman.” This was expressed pretty casually, and he wasn't even looking at Zayn as he said it.

Zayn blew smoke upwards and watched as it disappeared into the night. “He hurt him.”

After a pause he also said, “I would’ve done it for any of you.”

Harry snorted in disbelief. “Somehow I don’t think so.”

Harry didn't get a response to that so he turned to his older friend and got straight to what he really wanted to ask him.

"When are you finally going to just tell Niall?"

Zayn fumbled and abrubtly lowered the cigarette that had been travelling towards his mouth. "Tell Niall what exactly?"

"If you have to ask me that. Then I guess you won't be telling him anytime soon."

"Harry, I don't know what you're talking about. Seriously."

"Yes, you do. Seriously."

Minutes of silence went by and Harry seemed to accept that Zayn wasn't going to say anything further on the matter.

Some time later, after a little more alcohol had lightened the mood again, the group of friends decided it was time to call it a night. Cabs were called; one for Liam, Louis and Zayn, and another for Harry and Niall.

The cabs arrived more or less at the same time and the waiting young men proceeded to their respective cars. Harry got in first, blowing drunken kisses to the rest of them. Niall seemed to hesitate at the cab door and then he walked short steps to where Zayn was standing outside the other car waiting for Liam to scoot over in the back seat.

At first, Zayn wasn’t entirely sure what Niall was doing and he was even slightly alarmed as Niall moved to stand directly in front of him bringing them so close that Zayn could see every detail, every freckle on his face. Zayn couldn’t work out the expression in Niall’s eyes which was strange because Niall was usually such as open book.

The blonde wrapped his arms around Zayn’s back, tentatively as though he was scared that any sudden movements would make Zayn run, and he drew him in, close. It was a few seconds before Zayn returned the gesture, before he draped his arms around Niall’s waist as they shared their first ever hug.

Zayn was acutely aware of every bit of his body that was pressed against Niall, from his chest, down to his middle, his legs. He already knew what Niall smelled liked, but in this intimate proximity the familiar soothing scent was dazing in its lusciousness and Zayn had to close his eyes. He wasn’t really aware that he was pulling Niall in even tighter.

Niall murmured low, his words made slower by the beers he'd guzzled, “I didn't say thanks for sticking up for me. So, thanks.” He spoke with his lips pressed against Zayn's neck and Zayn felt a hum under his skin in that area. Niall squeezed him tight once more and let go, walking back to the car and leaving him dumbfounded.

Zayn slid in next to Liam who was observing him quizzically with raised eyebrows.

“Don’t. Say anything, Li.”

“I - wasn’t going to, Z.” Liam put his hands up in protest, smiling just a little.

Zayn was just grateful that Louis was talking on his phone on the other side of Liam; otherwise he would have definitely had to shut him up too, probably unsuccessfully.

Before Zayn passed out in his bed, he let his imagination dwell on how nice it must be to be Niall's boyfriend and be allowed to hold his warm solid body like that all the time, whenever you wanted, for as long as you wanted. To watch him when he laughed hard at something that wasn’t even funny or when he got a little quieter because he was hungry. Zayn thought about how nice it must be at those times to be able to reach for him and pull him in, cuddle for a bit.


	8. Chapter 8

The next time Harry decided to corner Zayn was one Sunday evening in the kitchen at Zayn and Liam's apartment. Ariana and Liam were in the living room, plating Chinese takeout for the four of them and probably making out while they had a moment alone. Zayn didn’t really understand their relationship. They weren’t quite dating-  but they went on dates occasionally and definitely kissed a lot. Whatever, he really wasn’t one to judge unconventional relationships.

Zayn had only come into the kitchen to pour more juice for himself, he was minding his own business really. When Harry followed him in and pounced.

“I hope you realise this is getting ridiculous. You pining and being all angsty. When are you going to just tell Niall?”

Zayn looked a little embarassed, but he didn’t pretend to not know what Harry was talking about. Just mumbled, "He's not mine to tell."

Harry wanted to say,  _You can't be sure of that_. Instead he said, "I think he’d want to know. He deserves to know."

"No. What he deserves is to not have to get caught up in my messed up shit."

“And what shit would that be?”

“It’s complicated.”

Harry looked vaguely disappointed as he flicked his hair from his forehead. “Well, then maybe you should try and deal with whatever shit that is. Or if not, you should let it go.”

Zayn turned to him in suspicion. “What has Louis told you?”

“Lou? He hasn’t told me anything. Why? What does he have to do with this?”

\- ”Nothing.”

“Should’ve seen that answer coming,” Harry replied, rolling his eyes at him.

 Zayn shook his head, looking unsure of himself, uncertain. “When Niall did want me, I couldn’t be that for him. So what right do I have to decide I want him now?”

“You know what I think? I think you’ve both probably changed a lot since high school, grown up. That was years ago, he wouldn't hold it over your head now. He's not like that.”

Harry could  _see_  the moment Zayn clammed up, shutting him out, so he barely blinked when Zayn said, “It doesn’t even matter, so let’s just drop it okay. Anyway, he’s with the right kind of guy for him.”

"I disagree. Look, I like Josh, I do. He’s a nice dude. I know he likes Niall a lot. And Niall really likes him. But that's just it,  _like_  isn’t-"

"Harry. Don’t. I don't want to talk about this anymore. Either talk about something else or shut up. And help me carry these drinks."

Harry obviously decided it wise to be quiet. But-

“Just one last thing, Zayn - I won’t tell Niall about any of this. And I never have before. But only because it should come from you.”

Unsurprisingly, Zayn didn’t answer.

\- - - - - - ..

One night during the following week, Zayn and Niall went to the library for some major overdue cramming. Niall had a test the next day and Harry's rowdy best friend from home, Grimmy,was visiting so the dorm was out as a study venue. Zayn, well he just liked the library in general so he never really needed a reason to go there.

 The building was relatively deserted but they still chose a table far in the back hidden behind high bookshelves. Getting settled beside each other, they couldn't help but be reminded of their friendship's humble high school beginnings.

 Zayn scooted his chair in with a half-smile on his face and he gave Niall a look the blonde knew meant that he was about to tease him. "I bet your English grades were shit again after I left. I'm good but I'm no miracle worker, there was only so much I could do in a couple of months."

 "Cocky asshole." Niall kicked him hard under the table ("Ow!"), grinning. "My English grades were just fine after you left. I managed to keep them up even without help from the genius that is Zayn Malik."

 "Ow, that kick actually hurt! I was joking. I knew you'd be okay, smart kid like you."

 An hour into it, they were silently and diligently absorbed in their books when Zayn's phone vibrated with a message, startling them both. Looking at the phone screen, he said "Ty" as way of explanation. Niall frowned and set his pen down. He knew who Ty was because Zayn had told them all one night when Harry and Louis were hounding him about his supposed lack of a sex life.

 Now Niall was the one to question him. "Why do you even need a sex buddy? Fuck buddy, whatever you wanna call it... Why not just get a boyfriend?" The blonde looked genuinely perplexed.

 "Been there, done that. It didn't work out. I've told you this."

 "Yeah, I know, but you didn't tell me why it didn't work out. Or why you won't try again, with someone else."

 "It didn't work out because Adam wanted too much from me and I couldn't give him what he wanted," Zayn said, giving the standard answer he gave to all his friends and family who dared venture into this subject.

 Niall rolled his eyes. "Would you stop being so vague about everything. What  _happened_?"

 Okay, so maybe the standard answer wouldn't pass this time. "Nothing happened really. It wasn't any one thing." Zayn gave a small shrug. "I didn't love him. I didn't want to move in with him. I didn't want to go home with him for the holidays and meet the whole frickin' family. And in the beginning he was okay with that. Maybe he thought I'd come around eventually."

 "But that doesn't mean you won't love someone else. Eventually.  If you actually try a little. Instead of fucking some random guy you don't even like," Niall replied, scrutinising him with those clear blue eyes.

 "Who says I don't like Ty? I like him just fine, plus he's not random. And I get what I need from him."

 "Skank." Niall giggled and ducked as Zayn threw an eraser at him.

 "I have needs, little Nialler. Would you rather I go out and pay for it?"

 "No. I'd rather you go out and do it with someone you care about, who cares about you."

 Zayn sighed rather dramatically. "You know, you sound a lot like Louis. Obviously been spending too much time with him."

 "Maybe you should listen to what we're saying. You can do so much better than this Ty thing you have going on."

 Zayn chewed on the inside of his cheek for a moment, a nervous gesture Niall knew and recognised. "When did you suddenly become all judgemental? This is college Niall, it's just sex. It's not a big deal."

 "So to you, sex isn't a big deal?"

 "It doesn't have to be. It can just be two people... helping each other out." Zayn wriggled his thick eyebrows and smirked.

 But Niall was strangely serious-faced. "So you're gonna keep up this arrangement of yours, all in the name of great sex?"

 "I never said it was great sex!" Zayn laughed. "It's decent. I get what I want out of it."

 Niall seemed a bit perkier at this. "Decent... So this Ty fella is not all that. - Why not hold out for great then?"

 "Is that what you did Niall?" Zayn brought his face close and mockingly peered into the blonde's eyes. "Is your boyfriend  _great_? Does he rock your world?"

 Somehow Zayn managed to make the word boyfriend sound like an insult. Niall's face reddened but he didn't look away. "You're trying to make me blush. And it's working obviously. But we're talking about you here, not me."

 Zayn moved even closer into Niall's personal space. "I just want to hear it from someone with firsthand experience. Are you saying if I save myself for a boyfriend, someone I really  _care_  about- then I have great mindblowing sex to look forward to?" His amber brown eyes were big and innocent but it was obvious he was trying to get a reaction out of Niall.

 Two could play that game. Niall licked his lips, brought them against Zayn's ear and said, "Exactly, Zayn. Speaking from experience, you have a lot to look forward to. Mindblowing, mind  _numbing_ , rip the sheets, scream until your throat is raw... sweaty, dirty, can barely remember my own name,  _Oh-fuck-yes_ , kind of sex."

 Niall's voice was low, deep, tickling Zayn's ear and he even had the audacity to practically moan at the end there. Zayn froze and forgot to keep breathing. His pants suddenly felt way too...

 Niall burst out laughing and shifted back slightly. "That shut you up!"

Zayn tried to glare at him but couldn't sustain it and ended up laughing too. "Point to you. So uh Josh... He um, he makes you feel all that?"

 Niall shrugged, grinning at him. "You'll just have to wonder cos I'm not telling. Can't have my friends knowing everything, can I."

 He turned his attention back to his books. Zayn did as well but his mood became subdued though, the more he thought about Niall having sex and maybe enjoying it that much. Sex with Josh.

 After Zayn's millionth little sigh Niall set his textbook down and drummed lightly on his arm. "Z. Where's your head at? Cos it's definitely not here."

 Zayn looked up from where he'd been doodling cartoon figures in the margin of his notebook. "What? Nothing, just thinking.  About stuff."

 Niall regarded him for a moment before saying, "I always tell you this but I really mean it, y'know? That you can talk to me about anything? I just wish you'd take me up on it more often..."

 Zayn nodded. There was a ghost of a smile on his face. "Yeah. Thanks, Ni." But he didn't offer anything other than that so Niall turned back to his books, resigned.

After a long night, they left the library and went to their respective abodes. Zayn's phone vibrated just as he was walking up the stairs to his apartment. The message he read lifted his mood considerably and he entered his apartment with a goofy grin.

 

_Anything, anytime at all ! U kno where I am !! Ni_

 

....................

 

Louis' one true wish came to fruition - he managed to get them all to attend a major Kappa Nu party, at the same time, Zayn included. It was a themed one, Great Gatsby, and Zayn grudgingly admitted that everybody looked great. Not that he had bothered to dress up himself.

That night, Harry and Louis took it upon themselves to try and force Zayn and Niall into compromising situations, like throwing them in the downstairs closet for 10 minutes, locking them in the bathroom together, very maturely shoving them against each other every now and again.  _Great_  stuff like that.

There wasn't much Niall and Zayn could do to get back at Harry right then, but Zayn knew the perfect treatment for Louis. It would involve some cringe-worthy childhood pictures which they might perhaps show to the rest of the partygoers.

As soon as Zayn told Niall his idea, they ran upstairs to find photos to blackmail Louis with, nearly tripping over each other in their haste. Maybe the alcohol consumed also had something to do with the tripping. They weren't drunk by any means, but tipsy. Definitely tipsy. Zayn knew Louis kept the old pictures he'd brought with him to college at the back of his very bottom drawer. But when they got into his room and searched where Zayn had last seen them, they weren’t there.  _The bastard moved them._

Niall had the bright idea of looking inside DVD covers and some of Louis' textbooks. And indeed, 10 minutes later, Niall fell to the floor he was laughing so hard. Inside  _Introduction to Macroeconomics_  he'd found a picture of a chubby five-year old Louis, rouge and lipstick all over his face, dressed in a very pretty lopsided pink party dress. Louis' cousin's dress, Zayn informed him.

Zayn pulled Niall to his feet, impulsively grabbed the sides of Niall's head in his hands and gave him a big messy smooch on the forehead, laughing. Then because that felt rather nice, gave him another smooch on one cheek and two softer ones on his other cheek. Cheeks that were rapidly becoming somewhat flushed.

He looked into the familiar clear-azure of Niall's eyes, eyes which were burning into him now and touching a chord somewhere deep inside his chest. They'd both stopped laughing. Zayn leaned in again. An even softer slower kiss on the tip of Niall's nose. Then he pressed his lips on the creamy skin underneath one eye. Niall's eyes fluttered and shut. His chest visibly rose and fell as his lips slowly parted.

Zayn looked down at the firm pinkness of Niall's mouth and left a lingering kiss on the left corner, a promise. He paused there, knowing that they were about to cross a line here. Niall's eyes were still closed and he wasn't moving an inch, his back against the wall. He seemed to be waiting for Zayn and Zayn couldn’t look away from his face even if he wanted to.

 Zayn closed the small space between their mouths again, catching Niall's bottom lip between both of his. Niall let out a soft whisper of a moan and Zayn responded by kissing on the lip, pulling gently and running his tongue there slowly. He thought that he'd honestly never tasted anything better in his life. He needed more. He slipped his tongue Niall's mouth and was immediately received and welcomed.

 Niall moved his hands and set one on Zayn's back, the other twisted in the dark locks behind Zayn's ear. He pressed his mouth more firmly against Zayn's and their tongues played together in a timeless dance. They shifted their bodies, Niall opening his legs to create more space and Zayn slotting in between there. When Niall dropped his hand to caress Zayn very low on his back and nudge him closer, Zayn groaned low and guttural in his throat, something he'd probably be embarrassed about later. But not now.

 For now, he felt like he was melting, literally becoming more and more boneless with each second that passed, feeling like he'd eventually slither to the floor. This was perfect, like nothing ever before.  _Niall_  was perfect and Zayn wondered why he hadn't done this sooner. He could feel Niall's heart beating just as hard as his and even if he hadn't been able to feel it he would've still been able to feel the way the blonde shivered when Zayn detached their lips and moved his attention to the paleness of his bare inviting neck.

 "Zayn." As Zayn sucked on the skin there, Niall sighed in content and his fingers dug into the skin on Zayn's back. Niall's groin began to move in the tiniest circular motions and it seemed almost involuntary.

 _Fuck_. Then Zayn realised he'd uttered that out loud actually. Niall took advantage of his momentary distraction to position his hands firmly on Zayn's hips and press firm delicious kisses on his collarbones, his throat, his neck. His fingers slipped under Zayn's shirt, below his belly button, just above the line of his jeans; and here he worked his fingertips across the skin in languid constant strokes that had Zayn dropping his head and sucking in air through his teeth. Zayn lifted his head, his eyes sexy and heavy-lidded with arousal, and Niall moved to tug his shirt off.

-But then a loud crash sounded just outside the door, followed by obnoxious female giggles and shouting. Someone falling maybe. But it was enough to make them both jump, Niall's hands still on the hem of Zayn's shirt.

 "Ohmygod. Fuck. Oh my God." Niall looked at Zayn, down at his own hands, in shock.

 Zayn stumbled back from him, from the regret in his eyes he didn't want to see.

 "Zayn we can't do this. I- I'm sorry. I shouldn't-" Niall ran a shaky hand through his hair, trying to straighten himself out.

 He stood there, shaking his head, looking at Zayn as if he could provide some answers. When Zayn just looked straight back at him, he didn't last long under that gaze and he practically bolted from the room.

 Zayn came downstairs much later, and he wasn't surprised to hear from Liam and Harry that Niall had abruptly left the party, looking really upset. They obviously wanted to know if Zayn knew what the problem was but he just shrugged. He didn't know how to explain this one.

He didn't see or hear from Niall for another two weeks. His initial texts to him went unanswered so Zayn eventually decided to give Niall some space, even though the whole thing was really stressing him out. He didn't know what to do to get Niall to talk to him because he didn't know the exact reason for Niall's silence. Well the kissing, obviously. But why was Niall  _ignoring_  him completely...

 In the days that followed, whenever Louis and the others wanted to hang out all together, Niall was suddenly very busy with classes and assignments and studying. Even Harry admitted that the blonde was not himself lately but he wouldn't offer any more information about his roommate's whereabouts.

Finally Zayn got some very surprising bit of news from Louis, two weeks after the night he'd made out with Niall. He was alone in his apartment, trying and failing to get an article for RAG Mag edited. He couldn't concentrate, kept thinking about how he'd probably really fucked it up with a certain blonde. He was relieved when an incoming text message disrupted his thoughts.

  _Ben just told me niall and josh broke up. like more than a week ago! Did u know_

 His heart hammering in his chest, Zayn fired off a reply.  _No I didn't. And I can't believe Niall didn't tell me._

  _What on earth. Maybe Harry knew? Let me ask hm_

 A few minutes later, Louis responded again.  _Yeah Harry knew but he was sworn to secrecy apparently. Wth is going on?_

 Zayn didn't reply to that one because as soon as he read it, he called Niall's number.

It rang for a long time and Zayn was just about to give up when Niall picked up, sounding solemn. "Zayn."

 "Why didn't you tell me you broke up with Josh?"

 "Getting right down to business, are we." Niall sounded tired actually.

 "Niall."

 "I didn't tell you because I didn't see the point."

 "What's that supposed to mean?"

.

.

.

.

"Niall? Are you still there?"

 Niall sighed. "Yeah."

 "Why did you guys break up?"

 "Because apparently I'm even more of an open book than I thought."

 "What? You're not making any sense... "

 "Let me ask  _you_  a question Zayn. Why did you kiss me?"

 "What? Um. I guess, because I wanted to." The words didn't sound quite right even as they came out of Zayn's mouth, and especially not when Niall gave a short humourless laugh.

 "Because you wanted to. And then? What was supposed to happen after we kissed or had sex or whatever, cos things were quickly moving that way." Niall's voice was harder now.

 "I... I don't know, Ni. I hadn't thought that far."

 "Well, let me tell you. I would've probably had sex with you, cheated on my boyfriend. And after all that, you would still tell me you don't know. Because to you, sex isn't a big deal right?"

 "No, that's not - I don't get - Why are you so mad at me?"

 "I'm actually really mad at myself. For getting sucked down the very same path I promised myself I wouldn't."

 "Niall. Shit. Can we not do this over the phone please. Are you alone over there?"

 "Yes. But I'm really busy."

 "Ni, please."

 "Look, I have to go." And he hung up.

 

 Zayn sent him a text a few minutes later.

_You want to know the reason why I kissed you. I wanted you to choose me. That’s why_

 

Nervously, he waited for a reply. But there wasn’t one.

 

He tried again.

_Instead of him. It killed me to see you with him and it only kept getting harder._

_Niall please say something._

 

Finally, the message tone on Zayn’s phone beeped. _Why r u telling me this now_

 

Zayn deliberated over what to say. Settled on: _Can I come over? So we can talk properly please._

_Ok_


	9. Chapter 9

From where Zayn sat, the situation was quite simple really. Niall and Josh were broken up: good. Niall was obviously really mad at Zayn: bad.

Zayn had no idea what he was going to say once he got to Niall’s. No idea. He was kind of hoping some sort of stroke-of-genius strategy would come to him on the way there.

Niall’s dorms were quite a distance away and the long walk in the dark gave him plenty of time to think. But when he eventually arrived at his destination he still hadn’t come up with anything particularly brilliant. Zayn had been inside this building before, quite a few times, but never under these circumstances. Never when he felt nervous like now, unsure of what was going to happen on the other side of that door.

He braced himself for a few moments, forehead against the door. Tried to gather his thoughts, remind himself that it was Niall behind the door, his friend. His friend until recently anyway.

 _Well. Here we go._  He lifted his head and knocked twice on the door of Niall and Harry’s room.

When Niall slowly opened the door, Zayn’s eyes travelled down the length of him, taking the sight in. Almost to make sure that he was still in one piece. He hadn’t seen him in nearly two weeks, but it felt like much longer than that. Niall looked a little tired, but more from stress maybe than from a lack of sleep. Zayn knew what the blonde looked like when he was sleepy-tired and it wasn’t this.

But he still looked like  _Niall_. Dressed in sweatpants and a loose tank top like any other day. Zayn wasn’t sure what he’d expected to have possibly changed in the space of two weeks, but nonetheless he was relieved to see that nothing really had.

“Hi, Niall.” That was always a good place to start, right?

Niall stepped aside to let him in. “Hey.” He wasn’t smiling by any means but he didn’t look like he was about to start yelling or swearing either, at least.

“You’ve been MIA lately. Where you been?” Stepping into the room, Zayn realised that he had no clue where to place himself. Should he stand? Sit on the bed? He hovered in the middle of the room for a moment but when Niall sat down to lean back against the pillow on his bed, Zayn decided that the least controversial move would probably be to do the same but on Harry’s black and blue bed, opposite Niall’s.

“Things got busy - Classes and stuff,” Niall replied eventually.

“Mmm. So I was told.”�

Predictably, they fell quiet then.

Niall cleared his throat and his voice cut through the silence. “You said you wanted to talk about something?”�

“Yeah, um. I’m trying to think of what I want to say... Just want it to come out right.” At Zayn’s last words, Niall’s face seemed to soften fractionally and Zayn took that as a good sign so he continued.

“I guess I should start with I’m sorry. For kissing you that night-” Zayn stopped, shaking his head. “Actually no, I’m not all that sorry for kissing you. What I  _am_ sorry for is if it upset you or made things hard for you in some way. That really wasn’t my intention.”�

Niall observed him from across the room, his expression giving nothing away. “Well- Josh wasn’t pleased at all so I suppose you could say it made things hard somewhat.”�

Zayn sat up a little. “You told him. I wasn’t sure if you had.”�

Niall merely nodded, still just looking at him.

“Yeah, I’m sorry about that too, Ni. I’m sure he was pissed.” Zayn really wasn’t sure what to say on this particular issue but he had the good grace to feel guilty. Josh probably hated him now and with good reason. Kissing people’s boyfriends doesn’t generally make you very popular. The two of them weren’t friends exactly but Josh wasn’t a bad sort of guy.

“He was really pissed.” Niall sat up too and scooted until his back was against the wall, pillow behind him. “But look, I don’t want you to think I blame you completely. That would be really dumb of me, not to mention unfair. At the risk of sounding completely cliche, it takes two to tango.”�

“True. But I sort of started the whole thing... So, is that why you guys ended things? Did he break up with you when you told him?” Zayn kind of wished that Niall wasn’t sitting so far away; it made things even weirder, talking to each other from opposite ends of the room.

Niall sighed and picked half-heartedly at his blue and white comforter. “No, that's not why. Not really.” He was probably feeling bad all over again about Josh and that made Zayn feel bad too.

“So- ”�, Zayn ventured slowly, “what happened?”�

“I’m gonna stop you right there. Why are we only talking about me here? That’s not why I said you could come over. You haven’t explained  _anything_  you said you would, so why do you want me to tell you the details of why my relationship ended?” He sounded kind of pissed again.

 _Shit._  ”Right.” Zayn took a deep breath.

“You’re obviously struggling here so let me help you out - let’s start with your texts. The last ones you sent.”�

Zayn wasn’t used to seeing Niall angry, but he had to admit it was actually really sexy. In a scary way. “Okay - The texts. Well I meant what I said. But I suppose what you want to know is why I’m only telling you all this now?”�

 Niall gave him a sarcastic look that screamed  _Yes duh, stop wasting my time._       

“Right,” Zayn said again. He honestly didn’t think he’d ever had to have this kind of conversation in his life, not coming from him anyway. Maybe once or twice he’d been the one listening. “So I guess by now it’s obvious that I have feelings for you. And I wanted to tell you for a long time. But I didn’t know if I should or could.”�

“Why not?”�

“A lot of reasons. My own issues. You had a boyfriend. Plus I didn’t know how you’d react. Let’s be honest, you would’ve had every right to tell me to fuck off. Considering what happened back when you were the one confessing your feelings.”       

“Zayn.” Niall looked exasperated. “Do you really think I’m holding some kind of grudge because you shut me down in high schoo-”

“I didn’t  _shut_  you down!” Zayn was quick to interject, his eyes wide.  

Niall laughed and Zayn had never been happier to hear that sound in his life. Granted, it was only a tiny giggle not Niall’s usual loud chuckle. But it was something.

“I’m just teasing, Zayn.”  

“Yeah well, you never know... Anyway, no I don’t think you’re holding a grudge. But I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t see any reason to hear me out.”�

Niall seemed to think this over. Then he said quietly, “You could have told me... you should have told me.”�

“Better late than never?” Seeing the stern look on Niall’s face, he backtracked, “Ok, not better late than never. Look, I’m no good at this. I don’t know how to do  _this_.”�

“You’re not doing too bad,” Niall told him with a shrug. “Keep talking.”�

So Zayn did just that. “Ok. Basically- I’m kind of crazy about you.”� Was that a hint of a smile on Niall’s face?

Zayn was apparently on the right track here. “Ni, I’m crazy about you in a major way actually. And I know when we talked earlier, it sounded like you thought I just wanted to have sex with you and then forget about you. Or that it wouldn’t mean anything to me. But that couldn’t be further from the truth.”�

“Really.” He didn’t sound particularly convinced.

“Yes, really. That would never happen. I couldn’t just throw you away afterwards, even if I tried. I- I want you as a permanent type of thing. Shit, does that even make sense. I suck at this.” Zayn chewed on the inner flesh of his cheek and tried to think of something better to say.

“You don’t. Suck at this.” The smile on Niall’s face was definitely apparent now, small but there.

Zayn chanced a smile back at him. “I’m just glad you haven’t told me to piss off... Listen, I know I can’t expect you to just forget about Josh. If you need time or whatever, I can wait. I just want to know that you’ll give me a chance at least. Eventually.”�

“Shut up.”�

“- Um. Huh?” Just when he thought things were going well.

“You heard me, shut up. And get over here. Why the hell are you so far away?” Niall suddenly burst into loud laughter, clutching his stomach. A real laugh this time. “You should see the look on your face!”�

Well this was a surprising turn of events. But evidently, Niall was inviting him over to the other bed and Zayn wasn't about to refuse.

He got up and walked over to where Niall was still sitting on top of his comforter with his back against the wall. Zayn sat down next to him kind of awkwardly, wondering what his next move was supposed to be.

Then Niall took his hand and twisted their fingers together.  _Surprising turn of events indeed_. “Like I said. Shut up. Why on earth would you think I need  _time_?”�

Zayn’s heart leapt in his chest as he processed what he hoped Niall was saying. The blonde moved to lie down on the bed and he took him along so that they were side by side on their backs, hands still entwined.

“Can I tell you something?”�

Zayn squeezed his hand in response.

Niall turned his face toward him and his eyes were serious again. “I feel bad about it still but you’re kind of why me and Josh broke up. Not really because of the kiss - even though that was the last straw. But we’d fight sometimes about you- Like at that party when you beat up the guy.”�

“He got mad because I hit that asshole??”�

“No. He got mad because even after he told me he wanted to leave the party, I insisted on staying. The next day, we got into a huge fight. He said I wanted to stay because of you.” Niall’s gaze returned to the ceiling.

“Oh.”�

“Yeah... I don't think he was wrong...  And well, sometimes he’d say outright that he thought there was something going on between you and me.”�

Zayn was not impressed in the least at this bit of news. “So he’d basically accuse you of cheating?”�

“Well, he was right in the end, wasn’t he? And that’s part of the reason why I got so mad at myself, at you. I’ve never been a cheater, that’s not who I am. That’s why I had to tell him right away after it happened.”�

Niall was doing this absent-minded  _thing_  with his foot, where he gently ran it along Zayn’s ankle, foot, lower calf. Or maybe not so absent-minded.

“Um.”  _Concentrate Zayn, concentrate._  ”What did Josh say when you told him? And how did you end up breaking things off?”�

Was it alright to hug Niall? Zayn decided that yes, it definitely was. He pulled Niall into his arms so that the blonde was lying half-on him.

 ”Z, don’t ask about Josh anymore.”�

Noticing the way Zayn’s face fell, Niall poked a finger in his side. “Don't ask, but only because I don’t wanna talk about all that right now. Later, if you insist. I’ve kinda been wanting to kiss you again ever since you walked in here... you’re pretty good at that making out stuff.”�

He was more than happy to oblige the blonde’s request. Niall moved on top of him to cover him completely and when their lips met, it was just as good as Zayn remembered. Niall was  _delicious_. He stroked Niall along the hips, letting his fingers eventually linger on the small of his back. The kiss was long, slow, deep; their mouths finding a perfect rhythm.

Whenever it was when they eventually broke apart, Niall grinned and said, “Yeah, that was worth the wait.”�

They fell into a relaxed silence, Niall’s face settling on Zayn’s shoulder.

Zayn knew that Niall had said he didn’t want to talk about this anymore tonight but there was just one thing Zayn wanted to know. He wasn't sure he should ask, but he really did want to know. "Do you love him?" Zayn buried his face in Niall's hair as he waited for an answer.

Niall sighed but he seemed to be thinking it through seriously. Finally he lifted his head and said, "No. I don't. And no I didn't. I wouldn't have to think about it if I did, right. I don't think he loved me either. I know he loved his ex, from back home. When they were together. Maybe even after, I don't know. But they were messed up, really toxic so yeah... But I do care about him, I want him to be happy." 

A pang of jealousy twisted in Zayn's gut, even though he knew it was stupid of him.

Niall maybe sensed this because he pressed a kiss against Zayn's neck and told him, "What I feel for you is different."

"Mm. Can you keep doing that."

"What? This?" Niall kissed on his neck again, lingering there with soft lips.

"Yes... that."

Niall pulled away and laughed, causing Zayn to flick him on the arm and say, "Tease!"

Blondie needed to be shown a thing or two. “Take your top off,” Zayn told him, one hand latching tight on Niall's waist.

“No.” Niall smirked at him and attempted to get away by toppling onto the floor.

“Yes,” Zayn insisted, grasping and pinning Niall down before he could get very far. He restrained the blonde's arms above his head.

“How am I supposed to take anything off when I can’t move, genius?”�

“Your problem. Not mine.” Zayn stayed like that, not moving, his weight forcing Niall to stay down. Or maybe Niall wasn't trying all that hard to get up. Zayn didn't flinch, just looked calmly into his eyes. Eventually Niall began to squirm.

“Are you ready to take your top off now?” Zayn leaned down to brush their lips together, bringing forth a soft “Yes” from the boy beneath him.

Zayn was the one smirking now. He released his hold and rolled off him. Niall quickly sat up to lift his tank top off and Zayn assumed that he was going to lay back down on the bed but instead he pounced on him and said, “Your turn. Actually - let me do it.” Zayn happily let his t-shirt be tugged off his torso. Didn’t complain when his chinos were pulled down either, leaving him in just his boxers.

Now Niall did lie down and his blue eyes looked up at Zayn with hungry appreciation. “You’re ridiculously hot. Do you know that? Like, it’s practically absurd.”�

“You’re one to talk. Niall, I want you so bad.” Zayn swooped down on top of him, kissing him. They were connected chest to chest, waist to waist, thighs to thighs.

He got lost in Niall’s sweet mouth, their tongues slipping in and out as hands tangled in hair and nails raked down backs and along thighs. They were both murmuring occasional unintentional moans against the other’s mouth as they grinded against each other. Zayn wished he’d had the foresight to take off Niall’s pants too but he could work around those.

When Niall slipped his hand under the back of his boxers to cup him there and force him closer, thrusting upwards against the friction- Zayn leaned their foreheads together and muttered “ _Fuck_  Niall” through clenched teeth. He swivelled his hips downwards, meeting every hard thrust of Niall's covered cock. He could feel him perfectly despite the barrier created by clothing, and he almost couldn't believe that this was really actually happening.

Zayn looked down at him, at the way his eyes were fluttering open and shut as he moved, the flush that started from his chest up to his cheeks. He bent down to taste his lips again; he didn’t think he could ever get tired of kissing Niall.

Niall’s sporadic moans had turned into outright groans and it was driving Zayn crazy. Crazy in that he had to bite his lip painfully hard to keep from making noises like that himself. But it all just felt too good, this feeling of their tight groins moving up and down in sync, the way Niall’s fingers dug hard into the curves of his ass.

“Zayn.. mmm-  I-” Niall seemed to want to say something, his mouth opening and closing but nothing that made sense was coming out.

They came within seconds of each other, Zayn panting into his ear as he continued to move against Niall until he was spent.

\- - - - - - - -

Some time later when they were eating Harry's stale Cheetohs Zayn's phone buzzed from across the room. He extracted himself from Niall's hold to fetch it from where he'd left it on Harry's bed. It was a message from Louis.

_Where u at? Liam says ur not at home. Did u manage to find out what the hell is up with Niall_

 

Zayn snorted and typed back:  _Niall is fine. I'm fine. We're fine ;D_

 

_Whaaat. Does that mean what I thnk it does_

 

_Bye Louis :) Talk to you later!_

 

_Zaynnn_

 

_Zayn Malik! aka worst best friend ever!!!!!!! Fuck you. Are u really gonna leave me hanging_

 

Zayn could clearly imagine Louis fuming in his room right now and that made him laugh even more.

"What's so funny?" Niall was laughing too, already. Zayn wanted to kiss him. And he did once he got back on the bed.

When he eventually drew back for air Zayn remembered something, triggered by the messages from Louis. "Where's Harry by the way? It’s pretty late."

"He went with some guys to watch this obscure band downtown. Tried to drag me there too. He should be back soon." Niall paused, the slightest tinge of a blush working its way onto his cheeks. "Would it be wrong if, um, if I asked him to sleep out tonight? I don’t think he’ll mind once he finds out it's you here."

Zayn had  _no_  problem with this plan at all. He was almost positive he sounded overly eager when he said, "He can sleep in my room if he wants. Li will let him in. Or Nathan. Liam might be with Louis, I'm not sure."

After typing on his phone Niall showed him the message.

_Harry u kno I love u ! Could u plsss sleep over at Zayns tonight? Just that hes over here with me ! Do u mind_

Within half a minute of sending it, there was a reply.

_Ah!!! If this isn't what I'm assuming, I don't want to know. Let me dream. No I do not mind. At all_

 

So that was settled. Despite the fact that Harry was probably convinced the two of them would be having hot sex all night, they were actually both pretty tired and all they really wanted to do was sleep. They curled against each other on the small bed, eyes already closed. Niall whispered, "I hope this doesn't mean we're boring."

Zayn just laughed and hugged him closer. They talked a bit more until Niall dozed off in the middle of a sentence.

With Niall asleep, Zayn decided to take advantage of the moment. He wanted to practice something, maybe it would help him work up the balls for later when Niall was actually awake. He brushed blonde hair out of the way and leaned into Niall's ear. The words felt weird coming out. Weird but true. "I think I love you."


	10. Chapter 10

The sensation of someone soft and warm nuzzling against his back was what woke Zayn up in the morning. His first hazy thought was  _What the fuck. Where I am?_  and then a short moment after that, a more happy  _Oh yeah_. In Niall’s room. With Niall.

Plus it was Sunday, no classes- even better. He stretched languidly, the movement of his back forcing Niall to shift too.

Zayn turned on his side to face him, thinking to himself that he really wouldn’t mind waking up to this sight more often. Niall looked so freaking good, his hair cutely tousled in all directions and his eyes not as animated and expressive as usual but sleepy and soft.

And Zayn was in love with him. He’d suspected it for a while. The feelings had slowly crept up on him the more time he spent with Niall over the past few months but after last night he was sure. Terrified about it, but sure.

“Hey, sleepyhead...” Niall had a smile so big it looked like his face might split.

Zayn leaned over to kiss his cheek and when contact was made Niall hummed and smiled even wider, if that was possible. He gave the blonde a lazier smile back. “Hi.”�

“Christ, it’s about time.  Been waiting for you to get up for ages. You sleep like the dead.”�

“Well... ” Zayn yawned. “I’m just glad you were smart enough not to wake me up even earlier. Because that would have ended badly. For you.”�

“Oh, is that so? If I didn’t know any better I’d say that sounded like a threat.” Niall gave him a half-hearted pinch on the arm.

Zayn just stretched lazily again and shook his head. “Nah. Not a threat, think of it more as advice for your future reference.”�

“Yeah, whatever. I think you’re all talk...” Niall had the sexiest grin inching onto his face. The cheeky glint in his eyes threatened Zayn’s resolve to pretend to be stony-faced. Niall asked, “What would you do to me anyway? Hmm? If I woke you up really early?”�

“I’d kiss you with my morning breath. Last night’s Cheetos and everything. Force you to have a long make-out session... really stick my tongue up in there.” Zayn’s response was immediate and he watched Niall’s face light up as he burst into loud chuckles, his blue eyes practically disappearing into the crinkles.

“Ew. Zayn, that's so gross! And anyway, we’d both have morning breath so you’d be punishing yourself too, bright spark.”�

Zayn got up from the bed, laughing as well, but he retrieved his packet of gum from the pocket of his pants lying on the floor. Now that he’d mentioned it, he really did want to kiss Niall. He stuck 2 pieces in his mouth for good measure and brought a piece for Niall too when he demanded it.

“Okay. Can we make out now?” Niall asked after a few chews.

And they did. And then they talked, about how it felt kind of weird that this thing between them was happening at all, weird in a surreal way. And how their friends were going to freak out when they saw them together with their own eyes. When Niall said, “I haven’t woken up this happy in- I can’t even remember when", Zayn felt like getting up and doing a quick jig across the floor. Except of course, he didn’t dance. As a rule.

During a brief lull in the coversation Zayn asked if they could finish last night’s talk, about what exactly had happened with Josh. Niall sighed melodramatically - “You’re really not gonna let that one go”�- but he explained as best as he could.

“He wasn’t even surprised when I told him we made out...  That made me feel even shittier. And then he made me say it.”�

“Say what?”�

Niall sighed and rubbed a hand over his face. “He made me say I have feelings for you. And that I have since the beginning. He wanted me to admit it.”�

Hectic. “But have you? Since the beginning?”�

“I dunno. I mean, not when I first started dating Josh and not the first time I ran into you outside your apartment. I hadn’t seen you in three years and I hadn’t really thought about you in at least two.”�

“Oh. Gee, thanks Niall.” 

“Ha! As if I was on your mind at all. But yeah-  pretty soon after we all became friends, those feelings started coming back. But I honestly thought I could handle it. Plus, I didn’t want to mess up you and me’s friendship. Like last time.”�

“Just so we’re clear, on the same page, I’m not here trying to be your friend, Niall. “�

“You’re an idiot.” With a billion-kilowatt grin, Niall reached around and gave him a squeeze on the ass, his hand staying there after and caressing the bare cheeks. Niall seemed to have developed a bit of a fondness for Zayn’s butt.

“Okay,” Zayn nodded, acting serious-like. “So I guess we’re clear.”�

“Yep. We’re clear. Anyway... I told him I kissed you and he said he saw it coming a mile away. Which pretty much really sucked to hear. We talked for hours and I’m not even sure who broke up with who. Ok, I know people say that all the time. That it was a  _mutual decision_. And maybe it wasn’t a mutual decision as such but it was kind of obvious that it was over between us, the more we talked.”�

“I’m sorry. Not that you broke up. But just because all this couldn't have been easy.”�

Niall's hand squeezed his butt again, more gently this time. “Zayn. Listen - I want you to break things off with Ty.”

Well, this was an abrupt change in topic. Niall continued, “I don’t know how the terms and conditions of fuck buddy arrangements work but you should tell him you can’t see him anymore.” Niall was very serious but he relaxed again when Zayn nodded. Anyway, the Ty thing was a no-brainer, Zayn hadn’t even thought about sex with him in the longest time.

An hour of messing about and making out later, Niall and Zayn got out of bed, mostly because they were hungry rather than from any need to get up and seize the day.

Zayn had obviously already seen Niall with very little clothes on but when the blonde came back from his shower with a little towel around his waist and his chest and back still dripping with moisture, Zayn wanted desperately to take that towel off and throw him on the bed.

He himself was already dressed following his own earlier shower, and the more he watched Niall move around the room as he tried to locate his deodorant the more turned on he got and the more he wanted to get undressed again.

When Niall dropped his towel and revealed his glorious naked ass, Zayn must have made a sound from where he sat on the edge of the bed because Niall stopped his movements, turned around (fuck... that view was even better) and grinned at him in a way that showed he was very aware of what he was doing to Zayn.

“Something wrong? Something I can help you with?” Niall walked over to the bed and straddled him. Zayn could only look at him, having evidently lost his ability for words. Niall edged closer, wrapping his legs around his lower back and forcing their groins to meet. The feeling of Niall’s naked dick pressed against him had Zayn closing his eyes and cursing.

Niall nuzzled against his jaw then his neck and nipped at the skin there, biting and sucking. Whenever he sucked particularly hard and Zayn hissed, he’d pause to literally kiss it better. He purred, “I’m gonna help you out, Z.”�

Niall stood them both up and unzipped Zayn’s pants before bending to pull them down to his ankles. He looked up at Zayn as he did this and when their eyes met Zayn could swear there were mega currents of electricity coursing between their gazes; the moment was that charged. Niall pushed Zayn backwards onto the bed so that only his legs were dangling over the edge.

His kisses began soft from Zayn’s one knee and as he worked upwards between his thighs they became wetter and messier. Zayn’s hands were clasped behind his head as he tried to control his breathing and make sure to last long enough to really enjoy this. Whatever this was going to be.

He soon found out when Niall mouthed his balls and hummed low, shooting vibrations throughout that whole area. His tongue worked over the balls, gently pressing against there as he moved his lips around.  _Jesus, holy... fuck._

Niall let go to lick the base of Zayn’s dick, which was quickly rising and thickening. When he heard Zayn’s responding moan, he used the tip of his tongue to lick again, this time massaging the fat vein running along the underside. He ran his tongue to the top, stopping at the ridge to swirl wetly around the edge before bringing just the head completely into his mouth. He sucked hungrily on the leaking slit and then drew back slightly to kiss the tip, before repeating the motion again.

“ _Oh._  Yes-” When Niall looked up him, he saw that Zayn’s head was raised from the bed and his eyes were bright and fixated on Niall’s lips.

Niall took his dick in both hands but just to guide it into his mouth. When it was in as far as it could go, he began to bob his head up and down on it, his mouth’s grip hot, firm and sure. Zayn began moving his hips, gripping the comforter between his fists as he moaned Niall’s name. Niall pressed a hand above his groin to force him down. He looked up at Zayn and smiled, and Zayn felt the coiling heat in his stomach burn even hotter, unbearably so. Because how the hell could someone look so cute and so damn sexy at the same time?

The blonde hollowed his cheeks and  _sucked_. Sucked so hard Zayn’s hips shot off the bed despite Niall’s hand.

“Niall. So good, baby.”  _Baby_. That was a new one and Niall smiled up at him again. (When Niall reminds him about this later that day, Zayn vehemently denies it because: "I have never called anyone baby in my life, Niall".)

For now, the only thing that registered for Zayn was the fact that he was going to come really hard. He could feel it in the way his legs were trembling and the way his entire body hummed in sweet pain, just waiting for release.

When Niall drew his head back to let go of him completely and then took him in again and sucked him fiercely, Zayn lost it. His only warning was an ambiguous, “ _Niall_ \- " And he’d been right- he came hard, the pleasure swimming through every vein in his body in pulsating waves. Weakly, he turned his head into the comforter and muffled his whimpers against there.

He came in Niall’s mouth and Niall reacted like he’d been waiting for exactly that, because he groaned too and enthusiastically sucked Zayn through it until he was spent.

When Zayn’s breathing had relaxed somewhat, he turned his head to look at the blonde who was now lying next to him, who had the cockiest grin on his face. Zayn looked at him in awe and just said, “Jesus, Niall.”�

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Their friends had interesting chaotic reactions to the new developments.

When Niall and Zayn walked into Zayn's apartment later that day hand-in-hand, they were all congregated there- Liam, Harry and Louis. The entering boys’ entwined hands seemed to be confirmation enough because their friends jumped up from the couch, screaming different things, even Liam who was usually definitely not a screamer.

Louis thought it best to firstly smack Zayn across the head “for not answering my texts last night you fucker!” but then he jumped on them and told them that it was about time. Harry kissed them each in turn, his big hands basically shattering their heads as he shook them in excitement. He spread his arms wide and he bellowed, “Love conquers all!” or something equally cringey. Zayn and Niall didn’t quite meet each other’s eye because hold on a minute, they had yet to say anything about love.

Liam engulfed them in big bear hugs and said he was so happy for them, his beam adorably wide. But when he added, “Now maybe Zayn will stop moping around the place and listening to depressing slow songs in his room...”�, Zayn had to resist the urge to kick him. But actually, Zayn was kind of really  _happy_  right then so he wouldn’t have kicked even his worst enemy never mind Liam.

The week that followed, Zayn and Niall spent time getting to know each other outside of the confines of a platonic friendship. But because they already knew a lot about each other, this getting to know each other mostly entailed plenty of kissing and getting naked. Although they had yet to have actual sex.

But Niall did try to get to know Zayn more by talking when they weren't too busy being naked. He knew that there was some issue beneath the surface that had Zayn worried and edgy at times. Ever since he’d known him in high school, in fact. Niall had witnessed tense phone calls, the way Zayn sometimes retreated into himself, baffling comments Louis made offhand. But now when he tried to ask Zayn about all this, Zayn would just shake his head or shrug. Niall could only hope that Zayn would learn to trust him more as time went on.

They also went on dates. When Zayn shyly asked Niall out to dinner the day after they got together, Niall visibly crumbled and told him that he was the cutest thing ever. Zayn’s response was to practically growl and say narrowed eyes, “No no no. Don’t put me and cute in the same sentence. Ever. I am not  _cute_.”�

“You are though. And yes I will go out with you tonight.” Then Niall shut him up with a kiss.

They went back to the same park of their Hottie Auction unofficial date on Tuesday, and Niall took Zayn to a varsity basketball game on Friday. (When Louis told Niall, somewhat sulkily, that he’d been trying to get Zayn to a game -any game- for years and he’d failed, Niall couldn't help but feel super pleased.)

At a RAG event on Saturday when Zayn introduced him to someone as “my boyfriend Niall”�, Niall didn’t even try to hide his bashful happiness.

The following Sunday Niall, Louis and Harry went over to Zayn and Liam’s apartment and they all partook in their usual Sunday pastime of junk food and movies and talking bullshit. Except that this time, the other three spent a ridiculous amount of time watching Niall and Zayn with knowing smiles on their faces.

The two of them weren’t even really doing anything, except maybe Niall was in Zayn’s lap and maybe Zayn’s hand was resting on Niall’s stomach underneath his sweatshirt and maybe Zayn kept kissing Niall on the back of his neck when he thought nobody was looking. Basically, Zayn’s attention was far removed from whatever movie was playing on the screen and whatever long winding story Harry was telling.

When the movie was over Zayn cornered Louis and Harry in the kitchen and very sweetly asked them to scram, go home. They got his drift immediately but Harry said incredulously, “Dude, just from watching you two anyone can see you have sex whenever and wherever you possibly can.  _Surely_  you guys could do with a rest by now?!”�

Zayn coughed. “Well. We haven’t actually had...”�

“Liar!” Louis.

“Do you think we’re idiots.” Harry.

“No, I’m serious! Look the thing is, before we got together I may’ve sort of told Niall sex wasn’t a big deal to me. So I’ve been trying to show him that with him, it’s not like that but also that sex is not the only reason I’m here.“ Zayn paused and looked at both of them seriously. “You’re my friends so I’ll be honest, I’m finding it hard - no pun intended- to wait anymore. So if he wants it too then hopefully tonight-”

To say he didn’t think he could wait anymore was an understatement. He sort of kind of really  _needed_  to be with Niall in that way, he craved him at all hours of the day and he just hoped that Niall felt the same way. He had a feeling sex with his new boyfriend would be rather amazing and thinking about it all the time was making concentrating on day-to-day activities very difficult.

Harry and Louis shared an astonished glance between them but then Louis moved forward to hug Zayn, catching him by surprise. His arms tight around him, Louis said sincerely, “I love you. I’m glad you have Niall. He's good for you.”�

So Louis and Harry left the apartment and just before they did they whispered something to Liam who turned slightly red and brusquely retreated to his room. Poor Liam- if Zayn knew Louis and Harry (and he did), they’d phrased their parting words in the dirtiest filthiest way they possibly could.

\- - - - - - - - - .

“Why’d they all get up and leave outta nowhere? Not that I mind.” To show that he really didn’t mind at all, Niall stood up from the couch, wrapped his arms around Zayn’s back and began doing that stroking thing of his with the pads of his fingers he knew drove Zayn wild.

Zayn tried to think of how to say this. Should he say it at all? Or maybe just hope that things would end up where he wanted them to?  _No, tell him_. “Ni. Niall. You know I- care about you a lot. And look, we won’t if you don’t want to. And if you don’t want to, that’s perfectly fine, I swear. But I was thinking that maybe tonight we - you and I could-  uh...”�

“Me and you could what?” Niall asked innocently but he looked like he wanted to laugh. When Zayn stuttered some more in response, Niall did laugh. “You are honestly so cute, Z. - Sorry, sorry! Don’t bite my head off! You and cute, same sentence, no-go area, I got it...”�

He kissed him, something he’d learned worked like a charm whenever he wanted to distract Zayn. He separated their lips and said with a happy warm look in his eyes, “Of course I want to! Zayn, I really want to. I thought maybe  _you_  didn’t for some reason.”�

“What? No! Why would you think that?”�

“Uh, maybe because you always stop things whenever they’re going that way...”

“Well, I definitely want to. More than want to. So- can we- ” Zayn took his arm and tugged him towards his bedroom. They passed Liam’s room and they snorted because he had his music on quite loud in there.

As soon as they stepped into Zayn’s room, the mood immediately shifted and intensified. Zayn was completely sure that he wanted this but at the same time he wanted to do things right when it came to Niall, not fuck things up royally like he normally did. 

Niall let go of his fingers to flop down back-first onto the bed and Zayn trailed his movements, covering him and immediately going for his lips. He’d found that kissing Niall helped him to relax and he was a little nervous right now. As the kiss deepened Niall’s hands travelled frenziedly from around Zayn’s neck, to his back, his hair, the sides of his face; like he was trying to convey something important through his touch.

“I will never get tired of this,” Niall murmured against his lips. Zayn forgot all about being nervous. He turned over to his back, moving Niall on top of him, and he looked up into those  _blue_  eyes. He just wanted Niall, pure and simple. He had to close his eyes a second to steady himself against the hot throbbing  _want_  running through him. 

He brought one hand around the back of Niall’s head and smashed their mouths together, the abruptness of it making Niall gasp. Niall broke away to tear his sweatshirt and tee off, his eyes trained on Zayn’s face before he dived back down latching his tongue onto the sensitive skin under Zayn’s earlobe and sucking on the flesh around there, making Zayn shudder. 

“Z, I want this so bad. I want - I want you to fuck me.”�

Zayn realised he was very overdressed for this purpose. He nudged at Niall to sit up and when Niall saw what Zayn wanted, he eagerly assisted him pulling the shirt away from his body. While they were at it, they both unsteadily rose to their feet on the bed to shed their jeans.

Niall pushed Zayn back down and collapsed onto him, and from that high height it hurt a little but neither cared. They were far better things to concentrate on. Zayn clutched Niall’s ass with both hands, grinding their groins together with his eyes shut and teeth slightly bared.

“ _Yes_ ,” Niall panted against his neck as their dicks slid up and down together, made slick with sweat. 

Zayn crept one hand in between Niall’s ass and ran a rough finger along the tight skin. He pressed the tip of his finger in and scrutinised Niall’s face while he did it, looking for any sign that this wasn’t okay. But Niall’s head rolled to the side a little and he whispered again, “Yes.”�

Zayn slowly inserted a whole finger in, marvelling at the tightness. He nearly lost his mind at the thought of what it would be like to go in, slide his dick inside there. He slid his index in and out and it was only a few times before Niall was pushing into it, his breath coming out in little spurts.

He added another finger and this time he scissored to stretch the blonde who winced a little but Zayn appeased him by bringing his fingers together, gently curling them against the tight walls, against the tight ball of nerves. He rubbed him there until Niall’s head fell back in pleasure and he started to bounce down onto Zayn’s fingers, gripping firmly on his hips.

 ”Fuck. You look so good right now. The way you’re moving- ” Zayn wasn’t sure where these words had come from, but there they were. He only managed to watch for a little while longer, his breathing become increasingly ragged and uneven before he retracted his fingers and pushed Niall onto his back.

“Yes?” He asked him. In other words, you sure?

“Yeah. Fuck. Yeah,” Niall responded, nodding quickly so that there was no doubt.

Zayn leaned over to retrieve a condom and the small bottle of lube from the drawer next to his bed. Once he’d hurriedly ripped the condom wrapper open, Niall sat up and stopped him. “Zayn, wait. I want to do it.” Zayn’s eyes, heavy and clouded with lust flickered down to watch as Niall kissed the side of his dick, licked the tip and used both hands to roll the condom on with steady fingers. When he was done with the condom, he rubbed lube up and down the hard length, perhaps stroking for longer than was strictly necessary. Not that Zayn was complaining.

Niall reclined back on the bed, his eyes appearing glazed as he reached his arms upwards demanding that Zayn join him. Zayn moved swiftly to lie over him and Niall wrapped his legs around his back, closing his eyes as Zayn lined himself up to his ready opening. It was a tight fit and Niall held his breath in anticipation while it went in. Bending lower briefly, Zayn kissed his eyelids and had to remind him in a low coaxing voice, “Baby, relax. Breathe.”�

Niall almost wanted to yell out in triumph, “Haha,  _see_! You do call me baby.” But now was not the time. Instead he just let out a breath, which had the effect of loosening his tensed body. Zayn began to move almost immediately, slowly sliding in and out of him. His teeth biting painfully into his bottom lip as he rocked back and forth. He soon found a steady rougher rhythm, his dick ramming against the taut walls. He took Niall’s hands and held on to them tightly as his arousal mounted. 

Niall became much more vocal as it started to feel good. Really good. He wrapped his legs tighter around his boyfriend, mumbling how much he was loving this, how fucking amazing his dick felt inside him. He started to thrust in time with Zayn’s movements meeting him halfway, and he could feel Zayn thickening even more, something he hadn’t thought was possible.

They moved in sync, both being far from gentle. They were rapidly losing a grip on the little self-control they had when it came to each other. Niall’s cock was rubbing against the hard lines of Zayn’s stomach and that friction was bringing Niall’s eventual fall over the edge ever closer.

The mutual need running through their bodies had Niall thrashing and twisting on the bed and Zayn feeling like his groin was about to explode, combust at any moment. This was too much.

"You're making me crazy." Zayn's voice sounded strangled, torn with need. "My baby. Shit. You feel like... I don't even know."

When Zayn leaned slightly back to change the angle, he held Niall down on the bed with one hand on his stomach. He pounded into him, the angle allowing him to hit new spots inside Niall. The blonde whimpered his approval high and loud as Zayn hit his prostate.

Niall told him he was close and Zayn held his thighs up to thrust even harder, deeper into him. But his movements were becoming increasingly chaotic and uncoordinated.

With his back arching off the bed Niall came, a stream of long moans and mutters of Zayn's name tumbling from his lips. Zayn watched him with intense unblinking eyes, his hips sloppily jutting in and out as Niall’s walls squeezed him hard. He'd never seen anyone look this sexy. He reached his own high not long after, keening and collapsing on top of Niall who recognised that Zayn was too far gone to continue thrusting much so the blonde squeezed his inner muscles to milk him through it. They lay like that for a long time.

“That was...”�

“Yeah-  it was.”�

"You call me baby. Your baby."

"Yes."


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sort of from Niall's POV and I didnt even do it on purpose? I guess it's the only way this part of the story could be written...

Late on a Monday night a few weeks later, Niall lay in his bed unable to sleep, tossing and turning with anxiety. Eventually he dialled his friend’s number after deliberating for at least 10 minutes over whether it was a good idea. He was glad Harry was snoring away in the next bed; he didn’t want to worry him. As the line rang shrilly in his ear he reminded himself to make his voice sound upbeat, not anxious like he was really feeling.

“Nialler! What’s up little one?”�

“Hey, Lou! Uh, did you guys get home okay on Saturday?” That wasn’t really what Niall wanted to ask him, but he figured he might as well act normal.

“Yep, don’t remember how I got there though...  But I woke up in my own bed and that’s always a good thing. Even though I was wearing someone else’s boxers for some reason... Do you know anything about that?”�

Despite himself, Niall giggled. “No sorry, can’t help you there.”�

“Oh. Well, maybe my not remembering is for the best. Anyway spit it out, Niall. You didn’t call me to talk about that.”�

Niall hated being so transparent, he could never get anything past anyone. “Um, I was actually just wondering if you’ve heard anything from Zayn today. Or yesterday.”�

“What do you mean?”�

“Well, his phone’s been off for the past 2 days..”�

“Yeah, I know. I figured you two were holed up somewhere. If he’s not with you, where is he?”�

Niall’s heart sank. “I haven’t seen him. He was fine on Saturday night. Then the next morning he left my dorm before I woke up. There was a text when I got up but when I tried to call him his phone was switched off." It was Monday today.

“Okay, so what did his text say?”�

“Just that he was going to his apartment and he didn’t want to wake me up. I was gonna go over this morning to check up on him but I talked to Liam first and he said Zayn’s alright, just holed up in his room. Not coming out much. He told Liam he wants to be alone.”�

Niall was really trying to sound calm, but he was freaking out a little. He and Zayn had been together for two months now and he could safely say they were the best two months of his life. He felt ridiculously happy  _all the time_  and he was pretty sure the constant stupid grin on his face had to be annoying the hell out of his friends in class and at the dorms.

Even though he didn’t see Zayn every single day, it was pretty close and they definitely didn’t go a day without speaking at all. But now Zayn was giving everyone the silent treatment apparently. If Niall could just speak to Zayn himself and hear that he was okay, he’d be able to relax. It was the  _not knowing_  what the hell was going on in Zayn’s mind which was doing Niall's head in.

Louis sighed at the end of the line. “Yeah. He does that once in a while. Goes off in his own little world. He’ll be okay in a day or two.”�

Which was pretty much what Liam had said too.

“Okay. But why is he hiding away?”�

“That’s just how he is. Look, I don’t know how much he’s told you about what happened a few years ago? Like with his Dad when Zayn went to go work for the family business- ”�

Zayn hadn’t told Niall anything at all and now Niall was even more confused. He had a brief hope that if he kept quiet, Louis would keep talking. But Louis just drifted off so after a pause Niall admitted, “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”�

 ”Well-  it’s not really my place. I just thought he would have told you..“ Louis sounded kind of uncomfortable. “Anyway, don’t worry too much about him acting like a recluse. Thing is, sometimes he tries to push people away, but don’t let him, okay? Call him tomorrow.”�

After they ended the call, Niall sent another text even though he knew Zayn’s phone was still off.

_Zayn call me when u get this pls. I jst want t know ur ok_

 

He eventually fell asleep at around 2 o’clock in the morning after overthinking the whole situation for hours. The first thing he did when he woke up a few hours later was check his phone, and his heart jumped when he saw a text from Zayn sent at 5 am.

_I’m sorry baby. Just needed to clear my head a bit._

 

Niall was so relieved. But he was also feeling gradually annoyed now that he knew Zayn was indeed okay.

_Wats going on with u? Why dont u wanna see me. or even talk t me_

 

There was an immediate response. _It wasn’t about you. It was all getting too much and I needed to be alone._

 

_Wat was getting too much? Us?_

This worrying thought was actually what had kept Niall up all night, the idea that maybe Zayn was getting tired of him and just didn’t know how to tell him.

 

_No not us. Not you. Just things._

 

_Zayn can you just tell me wats wrong_

 

_I will. I promise. But for now can I just see you please? I know I’m a dick and I’m sorry. I just really need you here._

 

Niall’s anger evaporated as quickly as it came.  _Ok. Im coming. Jst gotta shower 1st_

 

Two hours later, Zayn was opening the door of his apartment to let Niall in and as soon as he did Niall wrapped him in a crushing hug because he looked like he needed it. Zayn didn’t pull away for a long time and they stood like that in the doorway.

Eventually Niall drew back to get a good look at his face. Zayn's eyes were red and Niall sincerely hoped that it was from being tired or something, not from crying. The thought of Zayn crying shattered a corner of Niall’s heart, leaving the rest aching as he looked at him.

“Are you okay?”�

Zayn nodded, but he didn’t quite meet his eyes.

“I was worried about you. Z, please don’t do that again.”�

Zayn nodded slowly again. He closed the front door and didn’t say anything, just pulled Niall by the arm towards the bedroom. Niall figured that evidently his “I just really need you” text had been a euphemism for he really needed sex. And Niall wasn’t sure how he felt about that. Mostly not okay. 

But when they got to the bedroom, Zayn gently pushed him onto the crumpled covers of the bed and lay on top of him, his head resting on Niall’s chest. He didn't make any move to do anything else. This vulnerability was so unlike Zayn that Niall found himself getting really concerned again. Niall pulled him tight into his arms and this seemed to be what Zayn needed because he snuggled further into the embrace and closed his eyes.

“Do you wanna talk about it?” Niall whispered this into his hair. Zayn shook his head once and he looked so peaceful that Niall didn’t want to push him. He figured that for now, Zayn just needed to be held for whatever reason. They could always talk later in the day.

Except that they didn’t. When Zayn woke up an hour later and disentangled himself from Niall’s hold, he was back to his normal self. He dropped a quick kiss onto Niall's lips and was making his way out of the room before Niall could even rise from the bed. In the kitchen, Zayn proceeded to cook them a spicy pasta and chicken concoction of his that Niall always loved. He blasted his Drake playlist on Liam’s iPod dock and sang along in that smooth chocolate voice of his as he chopped and stirred. Whenever Niall tried to start a conversation, Zayn would just playfully smack his ass or smooch his forehead and then sing even louder, going ridiculously off-key on purpose until Niall couldn’t help but laugh.

And even the next morning, Zayn managed to sidestep Niall’s questions by touching him in ways that made the blonde completely lose his train of thought and somehow end up moaning and twisting beneath Zayn’s sweaty body.

Afterwards as Zayn slept next to him, Niall felt himself getting increasingly frustrated. He wasn’t stupid, he knew the distraction game that was being played here. But how do you  _make_  someone talk? There was only one thing he could really say to Zayn and he said it repeatedly over the course of the next few days in some form or other. “I wish you’d talk to me. I want to be there for you but I can’t do anything if I don’t know what’s wrong.”�

And Zayn’s response was usually something earnest like, “Don't worry about that other stuff-  I’m happy when I’m with you.  That’s all that matters. “

\- - - - - - - -

“You watch the shittiest shows on earth. What’s this _Ice Loves Coco_  crap?” Niall said this vaguely, lifting his head from where he’d been texting his high school friends. He and Zayn were lying on opposite ends of the long couch in Zayn’s apartment, facing each other with their legs overlapping somewhere in the middle. A blanket covered their middles because it was a little chilly, while they watched late night TV. Well, Zayn was watching.

It wasn’t the first time Niall said something like this during the time they'd been dating. And Zayn still snorted every time. Because the look of distaste on Niall’s face was funny every single time. “It’s meant to be crappy. That’s the whole point, Niall. Sometimes you just need to watch mindless trash and space out.”�

“Mmm. Except it’s not 'sometimes'-  with you it’s like every other day.” Niall rolled his eyes but he was smiling fondly. He burrowed his one foot under Zayn’s shirt, resting it on his hip, and returned his attention to his phone. “The game starts in 5 minutes though, so can Ice and Coco wrap things up please.”�

Zayn didn’t even know what game Niall was talking about, what sport, what team. But he did know that  _Kourtney and Kim Take Miami_  was up next and he sort of really needed to see it. “Niall. Baby...”�

He slipped Niall’s foot out from under his shirt and began stroking the pale skin of his bare lower legs, his eyes innocently trained on the screen. He knew Niall had set his phone down and was watching him intently.

“Yeah, Z?” It came out warily. Like he knew what was coming, which he probably did.

“There’s something I wanna watch after this? Only 'cause it’s a new season and it’s meant to be really good.” Zayn turned his face to him again. And Niall wilted helplessly, and had the thought that Zayn should have rather kept looking at the TV screen because even after two months of dating and years of knowing each other, Zayn’s eyes still did something funny to Niall’s insides. And he found it hard to think straight never mind say no to him when Zayn looked at him like that.

Nonetheless, he could pretend to try to resist. “I think you’ll find we have different definitions of what good is. You can miss one episode, Zayn. In fact I’d recommend it for your own sake. I'm guessing that Kim and Kourtney show is pure garbage.”�

Zayn’s bottom lip actually jutted out in a little pout, and all that was left for him to do was to stubbornly cross his arms across his chest. Even though Niall knew he was playing around and doing it all on purpose it didn’t really make it any less adorable.

Niall propped himself up and moved to lean over him. Once their lips were close he murmured against the corner of Zayn’s mouth, “Would you stop looking at me like that. Your eyes are so fucking pretty. And you know it. That’s playing dirty.”�

Zayn laughed, all moroseness in his eyes “miraculously” disappearing as he blatantly fluttered his lashes for a moment. “I learned from the best, baby. Whenever  _you_  wanna get your way, you get this sudden urge to kiss me and stroke my back. Just because I fall for it every time, doesn’t mean I don’t actually know what you’re doing.

Well, all that was true. Niall pressed their lips together and pulled away a second later to ask, “Guess what I want now?”�

Zayn didn’t answer, just brought Niall’s head back down for a longer kiss.

Miami, Kim K, sports games; all totally forgotten about. Minutes later they were shirtless and jeansless and everythingless.

Niall tried to drag him to the bedroom but Zayn insisted they were fine where they were. “It’s just us, they’re all out remember. Plus we’ve never done it on the couch.”�

That was another thing that was true.  Although the list of places where they  _had_  fucked wasn’t too shabby- besides their rooms, they could include the shower, the kitchen floor, the RAG office late one night, a stall in the men’s bathroom during a lunch date where they pressed against the wall and tried their best to muffle each other's moans, in Louis’ room during a rowdy Kappa party when they got incredibly horny after smoking (when Niall reminded Zayn mid-thrust that this room was also where they’d had their first kiss, Zayn came right then). For some reason, the couch they hadn’t done yet.

Lifting his head from where he’d been kissing the area of Zayn’s hips marked by a heart tattoo, Niall suddenly moved off of him. “Sit up.”�

Zayn obeyed, swinging his legs over to land on the carpeted ground, his back against the couch. Niall crawled into his lap, his back to Zayn’s chest and his thighs straddling his legs. When Zayn brought a hand around to stroke Niall's cock, the blonde whined his approval and began to grind his ass down into his boyfriend’s groin. Zayn groaned low against Niall’s back when his own cock slipped between the warm soft skin of Niall’s cheeks who then groaned, roughly rubbing his ass against entire hardening length.

When Zayn was rock hard and he couldn’t stand it anymore he tried to reach his fingers down between them to open the blonde and stretch him a little, as he nibbled the fleshy part of his upper back. But Niall merely pushed his hand away impatiently and explained in a breathless rush, “It's okay. I’m still fine from this morning. Just put it in. C’mon, please.”�

Zayn didn’t need to be told twice. He pressed on Niall’s back to make him lean forward a little so that his ass was high and exposed, ready for him. Lifting Niall by the hips a bit, he guided his cock inside the taut hole as gently as he could but before he was even halfway Niall was pushing onto it, gripping tight on Zayn’s knees.

The blonde brought Zayn’s hands forward and placed them on his own chest, running their fingers there, his hands over Zayn’s. He was rolling his hips up and down at this agonisingly slow and sexy pace that was making the coil of pleasure and heat in Zayn's stomach tighten and tighten painfully. Zayn kept up with this rhythm, but his mouth was slack against Niall's back as he resisted the aching urge to thrust faster and harder into him. He held Niall tight around the chest and slowly twisted his hips upwards, waiting for Niall to quicken the pace when he was ready.

So Zayn wasn't expecting it when Niall abruptly sat up and swivelled around to sit again in his lap but facing him this time. Nialllowered himself onto his leaking dick without a word, his blue eyes almost closed shut with arousal. A second later he was bouncing up and down, lifting his hips rapidly and pushing them back down just as fast. He would squeeze Zayn's cock every time he came up.

" _Niall._  Jesus." Zayn leaned forward to kiss him hungrily and envelop arms around him. He pummeled in and out of Niall who gripped his shoulders and whimpered against his jaw with every thrust. Zayn himself was digging nails into Niall's hips and looking at him like he couldn't quite believe Niall was really real. 

They stayed in that perfect angle, rising up and down together, their breathing coming out in syncronised spurts. Niall's moans became higher and higher the longer they moved together, sounding more like he was slowly being tortured.

The look in his eyes changed and he suddenly let go of Zayn's shoulders, clutching onto his waist instead as he spilled his cum between them without any further warning. Zayn's head fell back against the couch when his own dams burst not long after that and he pulled Niall to him, coming with a drained grunt. In that position, he licked into his mouth even though neither of them could really breathe.

.....

Their relationship grew stronger and stronger, and Niall truly started to believe what Zayn always said: as long as they were happy together, other issues -past or present- didn't really matter.

The weekend of their 3 month anniversary, Liam and Nathan kindly made themselves scarce for the entire three days, mostly because of Zayn’s heavy hinting every day for two whole weeks prior to this and not because Nathan particularly wanted to go home and not because Liam particularly wanted to have a sleepover at Harry’s.

Niall tried to bake a casserole on the Friday night- insisting on doing it all on his own, and when he burned it and set off the smoke alarms, Zayn laughed for at least an hour and they made do with eggs on toast. On Saturday they played video games in Nathan’s room and fucked all over the apartment until they were weak and could barely move. They spent Sunday doing their assignments and watching movies and lazily making out, sometimes all at the same time. A perfect weekend.

But Niall should have known that ignoring things won’t make them go away, even though that seemed to be Zayn’s personal philosophy. Two weeks after their 3 month anniversary, things went awry again. It started the same way as the last time - things were seemingly fine one day. Then Zayn went home for Spring Break while Niall decided to stay at school to get his sections of a big group project done.

After the day Zayn left, Niall didn’t hear a peep from him for days. Zayn’s phone was switched off, he didn’t answer emails and this time Niall couldn’t even ask Liam or Louis if they knew what was up. And this time on top of being wracked with worry, Niall was also proper pissed, fuming in fact because he’d thought they were past all this reclusive silent treatment business.

Eventually he stopped calling him, texting him, emailing him, after day 3. He figured that when Zayn decided to stop being an asshole he would let him know one way or another. And when that day came, Niall was going to give him a piece of his mind. He already had parts of his angry speech worked out in his head. "You can't just check out whenever you feel like it and ignore everyone who cares about you for days on end." ..."You're being really selfish. I can't not worry when I don't know how you are, whether you're okay." ... "If you would just send me a text at least, I wouldn't have to stalk you on every mode of communication there is." ... "And then after you've gotten whatever out your system you act like nothing happened and you expect me to do the same." As the days went by, harsher words and furious cursing crept into Niall's rehearsals of his speech.

But on the sixth day, Niall woke up to find he had two missed calls from his boyfriend and everything changed. When he checked the time of the calls (3am), he frantically dialled his voicemail.

And what he heard made him freeze, stopped his heart.

Zayn was  _crying,_ his garbled words punctuated with gut-wrenching sobs and he was talking so fast Niall could barely even understand what he was saying.

“Ni-  Shit I guess y-you’re sleeping. Sorry, I’m so sorry-  I know it’s really late- or really early, whatever, everything's shit and I don't-. I just miss you so much right now. I-I need you, I can’t even- I can’t take any of this. Don’t know what to do. Baby, I’m sorry, I know I said I wasn’t going to hide away again but I just couldn’t deal. My Dad-my father was there at home- fuck I don’t know who told him he had any right to be there. And he said I should j-just forget about all that, about what that lady did. Fuck. I had to leave. - I’m sorry-”

The message cut off and Niall just lay there in shock with his phone still pressed against his ear. A moment later, he was crying too. He cried, but not because he understood Zayn’s words at all (he didn’t) but because he’d never had to listen to anything so painful- Zayn sobbing, needing Niall, in so much pain that he could barely get the words out. All while had Niall slept through the night, miles away, unaware.

He tried to call him back and he wasn’t even surprised that his phone was switched off again. He sent him a message on the off chance that he might decide to switch it back on at some point.

_Im so sorry I missed ur call. Im goin out of my mind here. Pls call me agn, I’ll pick up I swear. Zayn I love you_

Niall wished that the first time he said 'I love you’ to Zayn didn’t have to be through text, but he'd never meant it more in his life and he just really needed Zayn to know it. Next, he decided his best bet would be to call Louis who unfortunately was at school too and not at home where he could check on Zayn. But Niall had a feeling Louis might know what some of Zayn’s ramblings meant. The call rang and rang, and Niall wanted to scream while he waited for Louis to pick up.

“Mm? Fuck, what time is it? Niall Horan, why the hell are you calling me so early. Don’t you know-”�

“Louis, shut up for a minute. It’s about Zayn. Something’s really wrong. He called me crying and-”

“Wait, what? What happened?”�

“I don’t know! Fuck, I feel so helpless- ” Niall was in tears again.

“Shit. Okay, calm down. Tell me what happened.” Louis’ voice was soothing. And wide awake now.

“I-I don’t know. He was  _crying_ , Lou. And I wasn’t there, I missed the call so he left a message. He was saying something about his Dad coming home and that he told him to forget about some lady - I don’t know, I couldn’t understand. Louis, please just tell me what this is all about, I know you know.”�

“I... Shit. You should really hear it straight from him, it's not my place... Listen, I think I’m gonna head home this afternoon. I need to make sure he’s okay.” Louis sounded genuinely distraught.

“I’m coming with you. He s-said he needed me. I wasn’t there. I have to be there.”�

“I know. Don’t cry, bud. We’ll go and bring him back.”�

Niall let out a shaky sigh. He felt a little better now that he had some sort of plan in place and wasn't just sitting around helplessly. 


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Trigger warning** Coerced sex

Zayn sat alone on the porch steps of his cousin’s house, listening to music through his earphones with his head resting against the low railing next to him. After a really shit week he was more than happy to just sit there, which was exactly what he had been doing for hours since he got up from the bed he couldn't fall asleep in anyway. The sun felt nice on his bare arms and upturned face, its warmth made him feel better somewhat. 

But every now and again his mind would go back to the voicemail he’d left Niall in the early hours of that morning and he would become mortified all over again, half-heartedly banging his head against the railing and repeating softly and miserably, “Fuck...”

When he'd called Niall it was after not being able to sleep all night. He hadn't really slept well in a few days actually and that coupled with stress over his family situation and the fact that he’d really just wanted his boyfriend there in that moment, had made Zayn snap a little in those early hours. 

Fuck. Niall had probably already been mad at him even before that, and the stupid voicemail wasn't going to help matters. Which was why, all day since that call he’d been putting off switching his phone back on. But now he figured it was time to face the music, he owed Niall an apology and an explanation, and the first place to start was to respond to some messages and be available to contact in the first place.

Apprehensively he read Niall’s first text, evidently sent after listening to Zayn’s voicemail. He was immediately consumed by guilt- he’d made Niall worry.  _Obviously dumbass_ , he thought to himself. But then. A slow joyous smile spread across his face as he read the rest of the text. Niall loved him.  _Niall loved him_.

There was another message from Niall and one from Louis also, both sent a few hours ago and both basically saying the same thing - they were coming home to Glenmore to get him. Zayn groaned and banged his head again. Them coming really wasn’t necessary, he’d been planning on going back to school in the next day or so anyway but most importantly he hated the fact that he’d worried the two of them so much that they felt they needed to physically come get him. He wondered how far along the 3 hour trip they were, whether they’d taken the bus or driven someone’s car down. Maybe he could tell them he was fine and that they could turn back?

He texted Louis, still a little embarrassed to face Niall after fucking crying hysterically at 3 o’clock in the morning. The message asked if they were far from Glenmore and said if they  _were_  far they could turn around and go back to school- he’d see them tomorrow.

The response that came in a minute later made Zayn groan again and sink lower on the steps like he was trying to disappear.

 _Look who’s rejoined the land of the living! Are u ok man? I’ll see for myself cos we’re already in Glenmore. Ur sister told us where to find u and we’re about 5 minutes away from Jawadd’s house_.

Jawadd, Zayn’s 25 year old cousin, came out just then to ask him if he wanted something specific for lunch. Zayn was glad they had the kind of relationship they did -when he’d turned up on Jawadd’s doorstep a few days ago he hadn’t asked too many questions of Zayn and he’d mostly let him be, not complaining that Zayn was largely silent and mostly spending his time alone in the spare room.

“Uh, I think a couple of friends are on their way over here though...” Zayn said sheepishly after telling him he wasn’t really hungry.

“Oh. Okay.“Jawadd looked surprised, his dark shaggy eyebrows rising upwards, but he didn’t look particularly upset or annoyed. “So should I make more lunch?”

“No, you don’t have to do that, J. I’m sure they’ve eaten. Was just telling you so that you know they’re coming.”

Jawadd nodded. “Alright.” And with that, he gave a vague wave and went back inside. A man of few words. Definitely related to Zayn.

\- - - - - - - - -

Zayn didn’t have long to wait before he saw Ariana’s magenta Ford Fiesta pulling up the quiet road. Another unhappy groan sounded in his throat - it had to be a record for one morning. He really hoped Ariana hadn’t come too.The last thing he needed was a party of 3 yelling/fussing/demanding answers from him. But as the car got closer, he saw that only Louis and Niall were inside. He drew up from his seated position on the steps and walked down the pathway towards the street to meet them as they got out of the car.

Zayn let himself be hugged by Louis, who after a few questions seemed satisfied that he was more or less okay. But judging by the look Louis gave him, Zayn knew that he was going to be forced to explain some things to his best friend in great detail at some point today. Niall didn’t look even remotely satisfied, his mouth was in a tight line and his eyes unflinching as he directed his gaze at Zayn.

But when Niall moved to stand in front of him, he stunned Zayn with what he said. The blonde sounded absolutely anguished and his face crumbled as soon as he began to speak. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there when you needed me. Fuck, I was asleep, Z. I wasn’t expecting you to call at all, you were quiet for a whole week.”

Zayn hated himself all over again. “Of course you were sleeping-  I’m the idiot for calling at that hour, for leaving that dumb message. A fucking idiot. I shouldn’t have done that.”

Louis cleared his throat and told them he was going inside to say hello to Jawadd, patting Niall on the shoulder and leaving the two of them standing there beside the car. They watched him run up the pathway, before turning to face each other.

Neither of them seemed to know what to say, or rather where to start. Looking into his boyfriend’s expressive eyes, Zayn felt awful because those eyes looked so  _sad_. So Zayn said the thing that was featuring most prominently in his thoughts right then. “I love you too, Niall.”

Niall face’s lit up and broke into a smile, and Zayn was happy he could still make him smile. He took hold of his hands and tugged the blonde’s body nearer. He could already feel some of the week-long tension leaving his mind and limbs just from Niall being there.

As he was reaching to hug him, Niall paused midway, the smile on his face falling a little. “I hope you’re not trying to distract me with this I love you business. I still want to know what’s going on, Zayn. I’m not taking no for an answer this time.”

Zayn shook his head emphatically. “I’m not trying to distract you. I’ll tell you everything. Right now. The love stuff, well I’ve been wanting to say that for a really long time.”

Niall seemed to fully relax for the first time since Zayn had seen him exit the car. He wrapped his arms around Zayn’s waist, placing his hands in Zayn’s back pockets. “I’m gonna hold you to that. I need to know what got you so upset. I feel like I’m the only one who doesn’t know.”

Then he sighed and murmured, “I missed you. I mean, I was mad as hell at you this week. But mostly-  I just missed you.”

“I missed you too. Every day.” Zayn pecked his lips softly. He knew that these words weren’t enough and were probably somewhat unconvincing after he’d ignored his boyfriend, well everyone in fact, for days.

“So should we-  Let’s sit in the car, okay? So we can talk properly?” Niall was technically asking, and yet he was already pulling him towards the door of the backseat. Evidently they were going to talk all this out right then. When Zayn had said he’d tell him “right now” he hadn’t literally meant-

A little part of Zayn wanted to bolt, make a run for the house. Which was his standard response whenever someone wanted to talk to him about this particular aspect of his life. But he was tired of keeping this from the one person he loved more than anything, and he feared that if he kept pushing Niall away there would come a day when Niall pulled away first. And left him altogether.

\- - - - - - - - .

They settled next to each other in the backseat which was littered with lone ballet pumps, empty Coke bottles, class notes and fast food wrappers of various sizes and colours. Zayn made a little mental note to harass Ariana about the state of her car once they all got back to school. Then he realised Niall was looking at him expectantly. He tried to start talking but all he could manage was a gulp.

“Zayn. Don’t be nervous. It’s just me.” Niall squeezed his hand, but actually he looked a little nervous himself.

“Okay. I’m just gonna go right into it. Do you mind if I close my eyes? Not because I’m not okay or whatever-  Just that I think it’ll be easier for me to talk that way.”

“Um, yeah, whatever makes you comfortable.” Niall squeezed his hand again and leaned over, kissing his temple. “Whatever it is, you can tell me.”

Zayn took a deep breath and ran his free hand through his dark locks. “Okay. So... My parents own a bunch of paper manufacturing companies around here and in the next town, I think I’ve told you that. Well, they’re inherited from my Mom’s parents actually, but my father was mostly running them...”

Yes, Niall did know this. Except for the part that the companies came from Mrs Malik’s side of the family. Everybody around town knew Mr Malik as the face of the business and Niall had just assumed that Zayn’s father had built up the sizeable corporation.

Zayn was talking again. “I guess I should also explain that growing up my Dad was my hero, like, I worshipped him. But I suppose it’s like that with most kids? We used to do everything together. My sisters always wanted to do girly stuff with each other and with my Mom. So me and my Dad were best buds. He used to call me his partner-in-crime. I really believed he could do no wrong and his word was gospel. I wanted to be just like him...”

As endearing as all this sounded, Niall didn’t think it was heading anywhere pleasant.

“So anyway just before I turned 14 I got a summer job at one of our sites, the one downtown near the mall. That site deals with the legal and office based side of things. My Dad said I needed to start learning the ropes, said I’d need to take over one day... I guess looking back I should have asked what qualified me to take over more than Doniya or Waliyha or even Safaa? But yeah like I said, I never questioned anything he said.

“I was mostly just running errands, getting coffee for people, an Intern basically. But I loved it. I was learning a lot and I wanted to make my Dad proud, show him that he could trust me with his business one day. But everything went to shit the night I caught him... Basically I was working late making photocopies for a meeting that was gonna be really early in the morning and I thought he’d gone home already-  I guess he thought I’d gone home too. I went into his office to use his phone to call Lou or someone, and I caught them. The door wasn't even fully closed. He was having sex with this lady from the legal department. On top of the desk my mother personally picked out for him. I just froze. He didn’t see me but she did just before I turned around and left. Our eyes kinda met for a second and she looked...  _smug..._   Even before that, I didn’t really like her. There was something about her that seemed off.”

Zayn shifted in the seat and Niall took the time to stroke his palm in what he hoped was a comforting manner. The thing is, Niall already knew that Zayn’s Dad had cheated. Zayn had told him a little about that way back in high school. But Niall had a really bad feeling that there was more to all this than just simple infidelity.

Zayn continued, “I didn’t know what to do. If I should tell my Mom, if I should tell my Dad that I’d seen. But I was too scared to say anything to either of them. Like, I adore my Mom... even though we weren’t all that close when I was a teenager I still didn’t want to be the one to tell her something like that-  So this lady- I don’t know if I should call her 'lady' even? She was a fucking bitch actually. Her name was Corinne, and she was like 33, 35. Younger than both my parents.-  Anyway she cornered me in the office kitchen about a week after I caught them. And she managed to turn it all on me. 

“She said my Dad would be so mad at me once she told him that I watched them and that my Mom would hate me for letting it happen once she told her too. - I know  _now_  it doesn’t make sense right, why would she confess to my Mom? She said my sisters and grandparents would all be thinking in the back of their minds that I was the reason the family was breaking up, even if they never said it to my face. She managed to twist everything around, she was really good at that. She kept saying my whole family would hate me. And eventually I believed her.”

Niall was appalled. “Fuck. She's worse than a bitch. She shouldn’t have ever said those things to you.”

Zayn scrunched his eyes closed even tighter. “She said there was only one thing I could do to make sure nobody found out what I saw. She said if I- if I took my Dad’s place-  If I could do for her what my Dad had been doing.”

Niall’s large blue eyes widened even further and he shook his head in horror. “ _What. You mean..._ How could she expect... You were barely 14!”

“I thought I didn’t have a choice. I know it sounds stupid now, I  _was_  stupid-”

“No, you weren’t,” Niall replied fiercely. “You were practically a kid and she took advantage of you.”

“Well anyway, we did. For about 4 months. And I hated myself more than I thought was ever possible, hated my body for betraying me. 'Cause even though I despised her, even though I found her repulsive, I was still able to have sex with her every time. It was like my dick wouldn’t listen to a thing I said. I got to a point where I hated everyone really, everything.”

Niall tried to keep his voice steady, but the torment in his boyfriend’s made it difficult. “I’m so sorry she did that to you... Just because you were  _able_  to have sex with her, physically- doesn’t mean you were saying what she was doing was okay.”

“In my head, I know that now. But. She kept saying... like,  _during_ \-  she’d say she loved seeing that I wanted her as much as she wanted me. She kept saying that we had to keep it secret because not everybody would agree with our 'relationship.’ And I was so confused about what was happening, because I was pretty sure I was gay. But apparently my teenage dick didn’t really care-  She had um, really strange sexual fetishes. Wanted me to do a lot of weird shit to her... She said she could only do those things with me, nobody else. Because she 'loved’ me.” Zayn spat the last words out.

“Zayn- “ Niall could feel tears threatening to fill his eyes but he tried to blink them back. He needed to keep it together. “I would do anything to be able to go back and stop all that from happening to you. Literally anything.”

Zayn slowly opened his eyes then and looked directly at him, the faint beginnings of a smile on his face. After a moment he said, “That actually makes me feel better.”

“I mean it.”

Zayn kept his gaze on Niall's face as he spoke. “It stopped after like 4 months. But before that, in the first month I actually tried to tell my Dad. But he didn’t believe me. He thought I was just voicing some horny teenage fantasy, like I had a crush on her or something. As if! So I never mentioned it again. But he caught us eventually and that’s when it stopped. And Ni, he was livid. At both of us, though. As though we betrayed him.

“I told him my side of the story and I think eventually after seeing how distraught I was, he believed me. But really the only thing he cared about was me not telling Mom about any of it. He was scared that if we told anybody what Corinne did, his own affair with her would also come out. And he couldn’t have that, couldn’t have my Mom divorcing him. He couldn’t lose all the money and businesses that came with my Mom. He moved Corinne to another division in the next town. He wouldn’t even fire her, can you believe it! He said that if he fired her, people might start asking too many questions,” Zayn muttered bitterly, his hand tightly gripping Niall’s who was squeezing just as hard back. “His own son was the last thing he was worried about.

“I didn’t tell anyone for years. But my grades went to complete shit, I kept getting into trouble at school. I hardly spoke to my parents at all, I’d leave really early and come back as late as possible. I couldn’t stand being in the same room as my father. Mom was really worried but she didn’t know what the problem was of course. But then, in senior year like a few months before I met you, I ran into Corinne downtown while I was with Lou. For the first time since it all happened. I didn’t speak to her or anything but Lou knew something was up. Probably because I was practically hyperventilating. He took me to his house and I told him everything."

Zayn sighed, and it came out sounding long and weary. “He told his parents after I left his house even though I’d begged him not to. I didn’t speak to him for a month because of that. And well, his parents came over that night and told my Mom. I wasn’t there but my sister Waliyha was eavesdropping and she told me afterwards. Then Lou’s parents left, and my Dad came home minutes after that. That’s when shit apparently hit the fan. Mom went ballistic. Like apeshit, Ni. She threw everything she could get her hands on at him, dishes, pots, heels, whatever. Wal says she was chasing him around the house and yelling like a woman possessed. Shouting over and over 'how could you let that happen to my child' and she told him she could barely give a shit about the part where he was a cheating bastard. He didn't say much, he just cried, or so I was told. She kicked him out and told him she’d kill him if he stepped a foot inside the house ever again, wouldn’t even let him pack a single thing.”

Niall really liked the sound of Trisha Malik. 

“I got home pretty late that night and Mom was waiting for me. I saw her just sitting there crying and I sort of knew why - I knew Lou had told his parents and he texted me to say that they went over to my house after he told them. But - I was scared-  I thought maybe she’d be mad at me? But she wasn’t. She just hugged me, clung to me more like it and she kept saying she was so sorry.

“And well you can guess the rest. They got divorced. My grandfather kicked my Dad out of the company and Dad moved a few states away, I didn’t even ask where. My Mom wanted to get Corinne put in jail but I didn’t want to go through all that, plus it had been years. It would’ve been almost impossible for us to prove anything in court, that’s what my grandfather said. And he was right. For a while Mom tried to put me in counselling but I never went, didn’t see the point. But I did need to get away from it all, from everyone and everything in this place. So I went to spend a year in England with her brother at the end of my senior year. But you know that part.” Zayn let out a long breath, relieved now that the story was out.

Niall reached for him and clung to him, probably a lot like his mother had all those years ago. “I love you. So much.” And that was all that Zayn needed to hear really. He cradled Niall’s face in his hands and kissed him, and it was a tearful kiss because both their cheeks were wet at this point.

A thought occurred to Niall and his breath hitched. “Oh my God. That’s what you meant...”

“Huh?”

“That’s what you meant. Remember at the park after that Hottie Auction when you told me you didn’t believe in young and old people being in relationships together. You said you’d never do it- ”

“Oh. Yeah, that’s what I meant.”

“I get it now. But Z, can I just say that what she did with you wasn’t a relationship. She took advantage of you and manipulated you. She deserves to be rotting in jail right now.” Niall felt like screaming in rage, just thinking about her.

“I know it wasn’t a relationship. But I never wanted to be in a position where I took advantage of someone younger than me. Or where I was taken advantage of ever again. That’s why I-” Zayn shook his head a little.

“That’s why you what?”

“That’s why I turned you down in high school. I just couldn't see you in that way, I’m sorry. You were a kid. Like I was when I was with her.” He looked genuinely apologetic as he kissed Niall on the cheek.

Niall drew back a little to look him in the eye. “I don’t know what you’re saying sorry for. In this whole thing you didn't do a thing wrong...  Thank you for telling me, that’s all I ever wanted. I just want to be there for you-  All this, it’s why you hide away from all of us sometimes?” Phrased like a question, but not really.

“It’s hard to explain.” Zayn sighed and fingered the buttons on Niall’s jacket. “Sometimes I just get so angry. And it’s so random. It’s not triggered by anything specific that’s happening around me. But yeah sometimes I get really mad. At her. At my Dad, he was supposed to have  _my_  best interests at heart. Not his own, not the business’s. I get mad at myself too. It’s like this dark cloud just takes over me, settles in every pore of my body and I can’t even talk, can’t be around other people. I try to work through it on my own and I’m usually alright after a few days.”

Zayn suddenly lifted Niall’s face from where it was resting against his shoulder and he leaned their foreheads together. “I didn’t want to bring you into all of this, I didn’t want you to have to feel sad for me. You’re too good for that... Earlier today I was sitting in the sun there on those steps before you guys came, and I was thinking how  _you’re_  kinda like the sun. That's cheesy as shit, right? But I'm serious, you shine Niall, you’re beautiful. I don’t ever want to bring you down or change any of those things about you.”

But Niall ago on his head. “I’m not the beautiful one here...  _You_  are. You're the best person I know. The very best. Even after everything that happened, you’re good and kind and you want to help others. I'm so so in love with you. I fell in love with you when I was 15 years old, Zayn. But that's nothing compared to the way I feel about you since you became my boyfriend.”

The look on Zayn’s face made Niall’s heart ache inside his chest - Zayn looked so hopeful and earnest, like he couldn’t quite believe the way Niall saw him but he really wanted to. Niall moved to sit in his lap, facing him and he kissed Zayn slowly, with intent. His arms latched around Zayn's neck, who reciprocated around Niall's lower back. Niall took his time, hoping that maybe this way he could convey everything he felt. With his lips and tongue he tried to leave imprints of  _You are amazing. You are everything I need you to be. My life is so much better with you in it._  And maybe it worked because Zayn was smiling at the end of it.

Niall smiled back at him and resisted the urge to tell him he looked cute.

Niall was determined to leave no stone unturned, now that Zayn was actually talking to him about all of this. “Z? There’s still one thing I don’t understand, though. What happened this week, at home, that got you so upset?”

“Oh. Um. He was there. My father was there when I got home that first day from school, having dinner with my sisters.” The light in Zayn’s eyes dimmed again.

“What?  _Why_? Why was he there?”

“My Mom had to go away on business. Otherwise he wouldn’t have dared. Apparently Doniya invited him, they still talk quite often. She adored him too when we were growing up, maybe even more than me. Anyway they were all sitting there eating fucking Chinese or something, him at the head of the table like he belonged there. I hadn't seen him in years. And I lost it, can’t even remember what I said. But I remember what he said. He said all that Corinne business happened a long time ago, I should forgive him and let it go. He - he said many teenage boys in my position wouldn’t have complained at all about being with her.”

“Fucking piece of shit."

“Anyway, all my sisters were crying at that point so I decided I should leave. Before I killed him. Doniya was trying to calm us both down... she lives in her own fucking fantasy world where everything is all rainbows and butterflies. Wal was on my side. And Safaa... Shit, she’s just a baby. I don’t even want her to know about any of this. So I left.”

“Your Dad doesn’t deserve anything from you, Zayn. I can’t believe that even after all this time, he can’t admit he was wrong.”

“I know. A simple 'I’m sorry' would have gone a long way.”

They stayed in the car, putting the radio on at a low volume and talking a bit more. Eventually, Jawadd and Louis both came out of the house, laughing about something. Louis walked towards Ariana’s Fiesta, while Jawadd got into his own car and drove off.

Louis opened the car door and sat down in the front passenger seat. He turned around to look expectantly at them. “Everything okay? We tried to give you plenty of time to talk, but Jawadd’s headed on a date with his girl.”

“We’re good,” Zayn responded and Niall nodded. 

Louis told them he wanted to go over to his parents’ house to say hello. (Apparently him and Niall had gone straight to Zayn’s house once they got to Glenmore.) The friends decided that Louis would sleep at home, while Niall and Zayn would stay in Jawadd’s spare room. The three of them would head back to school together the next day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PSA. The father mentioned is NOT Yaser in my head, that's why he never has a name. I do not think Yaser would ever be a piece of shit


	13. Chapter 13

Despite the relatively sombre mood of the day before, the drive back to school the next morning was ridiculously rowdy and unruly , the three of them talking over each other and laughing over everything and making elaborate plans for when they got back to school. Niall drove because Louis had been the one to drive down to Glenmore, and Zayn sat next to him in the passenger seat. Louis was sprawled over the backseat, having announced that he was sitting where he was so that the two of them could freely grope each other in the front.

They were looking forward to wrapping up the last bit of the Spring semester, and it was probably part of the reason why they were very nearly giddy. Tears ran down Niall’s cheeks as he retold the story of how he’d pulled a prank on Harry earlier that month by changing the times on Harry's phone and the bedside alarm clock in their dorm room, causing Harry to freak out and run around the room with his hands on his head in incoherent despair once he finally woke up, thinking he’d missed an important test by over 4 hours. The oldest trick in the book, but very effective - Harry was utterly gullible, poor thing. Zayn had heard this story at least twice before, but it didn’t matter because it was made positively hysterical by how funny his boyfriend still found it.

As Louis munched on Hot Cheetos and messed Ariana’s backseat into a worse state than it already was, he extended an invitation to himself and Harry to come over to Zayn and Liam’s apartment that night. Zayn didn’t even bother saying yes or no - it wasn’t like his permission was being requested, was it. But anyway, if asked the answer would’ve been yes.

They arrived in Lynnwood a decent 2 hours and 45 minutes after embarking on their journey. The boys stopped at Zayn’s first, him and Niall getting out, and then Louis took off on the short drive to the Kappa house. Ariana would be coming by there later to get her car back and no doubt remind Louis that he owed her a big favour now.

Only Nathan was home at the apartment, in the living room watching some loud blaring action movie. Liam was apparently out at the store to restock the fridge and cupboards which were admittedly rather bare after the Break.

“Good ol’ Liam...  I love that guy,” Niall commented happily as they made their way to Zayn’s room. Zayn merely rolled his eyes because this wasn’t saying much- Niall would love just about anybody who came home with fresh food and takeout.

Zayn was glad to be back here, in his own space, away from the stresses of his hometown Glenmore. They dropped their bags, Niall’s small overnight backpack and Zayn’s larger carrier, under Zayn’s desk. Niall bent over to take his shoes off a few steps away from the bed, and Zayn simply watched his cute butt hovering in the air with a little smile on his face.

When Niall's Supras were both off and he had straightened again, Zayn came forward to embrace him from behind. The blonde’s hands immediately came up to cover his and he asked with his own smile audible in his voice, “What’s this for?”

“Nothing. Can’t I hug my boyfriend?” Zayn pressed little soft kisses on the nape of his neck and below his ear as he spoke.

Niall shivered against him, pushing his back against Zayn's chest. “Y-you can. In fact, I encourage it.”

“Okay then.”  Zayn lifted his lips away and clutched him closer, sighing tiredly against his ear.

Niall deftly turned to face him and cocked his head in warning. “Don’t start something you don’t plan on finishing.” He reached his arms around Zayn’s waist and pulled him in rather forcefully.

 ”I’m not a cocktease like you, Horan.” Zayn giggled, a light tinkling sound, at the way Niall’s eyebrows shot up.

“What? I’m not a tease!” Said a little breathlessly because Zayn had started up again on his neck. “When have I ever teased you...”

“Need I remind you about the time you got me all worked up, on purpose I might add. And then left my bed just when things were getting good to go sit on the couch and turn the TV on. All because I’d said I didn’t wanna go out to eat later- ”

“Oh c’mon! I was totally kidding. Was gonna come back even if you didn’t come after me... Do you really think I didn’t want- uh- mmm..” Niall promptly forgot what he wanted to say as Zayn bit none too gently at the juncture of his neck and jaw and then soothed over the area with his tongue.  Niall tried again,” And th-that was  _one_  time! I don’t think one time is enough to label me.”

 ”Baby, you’re a shameless tease. Deal with it.” Zayn laughingly kissed the pout away from Niall’s mouth, a mouth which responded eagerly and immediately parted.

Zayn whipped him around again. He linked his fingers through the side loops of Niall’s jeans, digging into Niall’s hips and pushing him backwards into his own groin. “You get kinda ridiculous sometimes when you want to get your own way. I think I should have a word with whichever parent is to blame for spoiling you.” But the amount of unfiltered adoration in his voice took away any bite the words could’ve had.

“You love me though,” was Niall’s smugly happy response as he undid the button of his jeans and started to work the zip down.

“I do.”

 Zayn’s fingers overtook his and he revelled in Niall’s intake of breath as Zayn palmed over the front of his jeans, brushing over the hardening bulge under the cloth.

“ _Zayn.”_

“Yes?” Zayn continued running his hands over the fabric, but not firmly enough that Niall could get the friction he so desperately sought. “Tell me what you want.”

“Fuck.” Niall ground his body into Zayn’s own growing hard on, pushing him into the wall a short distance behind them and causing Zayn’s hands to falter for a moment. “I want-  you to touch me.”

Zayn gave a low sexy laugh and bit his earlobe, his breath ghosting over the side of his face. “I plan on doing much more than that, baby.” He pushed Niall forward a little and undid the rest of the zip on his jeans, before pulling them down Niall's hips, his thighs, his legs.

He pulled Niall's body back against his, his hands sliding under Niall's shirt to caress the muscles on his chest, his abs and the soft patch of hair below his bellybutton. The moment Zayn’s fingers made contact with Niall’s bare cock, the blonde’s head fell back against his shoulder and his breath quickened, becoming uneven. Zayn stroked him into rockhard stiffness, Niall jutting his hips back and forth into his hand as he did so. His cock was already leaking moisture and Zayn spread this wetness along the entire length as he pumped his hand up and down furiously.

He slid his other hand between them, between his own torso and the back of Niall’s shirt, creating a small space so that his hand could travel down to stroke Niall’s butt. He glided his fingers between Niall’s ass cheeks before Niall could even react to what he was about to do. With his eyes trained downwards on the glorious sight below, he shoved a finger into the small hole, which immediately enclosed tightly around his index as Niall squeezed and cursed roughly. Zayn was still steadily kneading his dick there in the front, and the sensation of that mixed with the long finger curling inside him made Niall’s head reel. “Feels so good-  Fuck. It feels so good, Zayn.”

Zayn loved to hear him talk when his voice was rough and filled with want like this. His own voice sounded quite unlike his normal one as he quickened the pace of his finger and urged, “Tell me again, baby. Tell me what it feels like.”

“Hurts so good, Z-  don’t want it to stop. I want to feel you inside me. Feels like I’m gonna die if I don’t get you inside me,” Niall stuttered out desperately.

“Not yet.” Zayn spun them around so that Niall’s back suddenly bounced the wall as Zayn dropped to his knees.

“Oh! Yes.  _Yes_.” Niall was already encouraging him even before Zayn’s lips encircled his throbbing dick. He didn’t have long to wait. Zayn lifted the length to guide it into his mouth, his pouty lips dragging right from the slit down, down, down to the base. When it hit the back of his throat, he moved his mouth up and down on it, listening intently to the moans and _growls_  Niall was making above him. He licked upwards to the tip where he ran his tongue along the slit and greedily slurped the leakage from there, making Niall whimper softly and knock his head backwards onto the wall. Zayn took him in again, completely. When he looked up to gauge Niall’s reaction, he found half-shut eyes gazing back down at him and a mouth that was tightened into a grimace in a manner one might assume was pained, but Zayn knew better.

“D-don’t look at me like that.  _Zayn, fuck_. When you do that... I can’t control- ” Niall drifted off raggedly, his voice at odds with the gentle way he brushed away hair that had flopped onto Zayn’s forehead.

Zayn looked up at him innocently, his mouth still moving and sucking and licking and teasing and generally bringing Niall very near to his brink. When Zayn saw that he couldn’t take much more, he released him and stood up to force his own pants down his legs in one long fluid movement.

He approached Niall like an animal on the hunt, his eyes centred somewhere between Niall’s legs. He lifted the blonde up, pressing his back against the wall and telling him, “Wrap your legs around me.”

Niall complied and also draped his arms around Zayn’s neck, his body quivering in anticipation. Looking into his eyes unwaveringly, Zayn slid his cock inside him, his teeth digging painfully into his bottom lip as he did. Niall breathed out when it was fully in and whispered one word. “Move.”

With Niall’s legs entwined around Zayn’s waist, Zayn began to  _move_. He didn’t need to be gentle, the way Niall’s nails dragged down his back told him this. The marks into his skin stung in beautiful agony, they urged him to slam into Niall as hard as he wanted.

The back of Niall’s head was thumping against the wall with every fierce thrust, but he didn’t seem to care. He wrapped his legs tighter around Zayn, forcing them into an ever deeper angle when Zayn slid into him again. A perfect angle that hit every spot inside him, making him whimper until he thought actual tears would slide down his face as Zayn dragged his dick in and out with a furious but steady rhythm.

Zayn smashed their mouths together and pulled back to pant, “You’re so fucking beautiful. Love you so much.”

“I love you t- Ah- ” A particularly delicious thrust against Niall’s prostate made his eyes roll back and he gripped the back of Zayn’s neck unbelievably tight. There was a responding low groan from deep inside Zayn’s throat as they rolled their hips together against the wall.  

Clutching Niall around the hips with sweaty slippery fingers, Zayn drew out of him almost completely, leaving just his tip in. Niall made his protests at the loss of sensation known,  scowling and pulling violently on the hair at the nape of Zayn’s neck. As he opened his mouth to  _voice_  his protest in case the message wasn’t clear, Zayn slammed back inside him, filling him without warning.

“ _Yes_ , Zayn.” This was gasped out, Niall's eyes made wide by the exquisite feeling of his boyfriend fucking him senseless again. To which Zayn replied against his mouth sounding just as wrecked, “ _Yes_ , my baby.”

 Zayn’s legs were shaking from the strain of keeping them both up, and from the surges of pleasure threading through what seemed to be every cell in his body. He couldn’t do this for much longer and it didn’t look like Niall could either. He latched onto Niall’s ear to whisper there in an almost soothing tone, “Come on...  come on...”

That, and one last pounding thrust into the very centre of Niall, seemed to do it. Niall cried out, saying Zayn’s name over and over as white liquid spilled between them. As soon as Niall began to scream, the coiling heat in Zayn’s belly split and shattered and spread, travelling right down to his toes. He lost his ability to stand upright and they toppled to the ground in a breathless panting heap.

They just lay there, unable to make a move towards the bed, sweat swimming in rivers down their bodies. Just before Zayn lost consciousness and slipped into a short slumber, he thought he heard Niall mumble half-heartedly but laughingly against his shoulder. “Z-  I’m not a tease.” Always had to get the last word.

..................

Even though telling Niall everything about his family had helped, Zayn still had challenging moments, where the black cloud threatened to take over and colour his whole day. But whenever he could feel himself start to drown in it all, he would stick a hand up through the water crashing above his head and Niall was always there to pull him back. Instead of locking himself away like he wanted to, Zayn would let his boyfriend know as best as he could whenever he felt the gloom and ache creeping in.

And then, they’d go for a long walk or cook dinner together or cuddle and watch  _Say Yes to the Dress_  or go lay on the grass in the park - all things which helped a great deal. Niall would tell him dumb stories about his childhood because that was always one way to get Zayn to smile. Sometimes they’d stop over at the frat house where often enough they’d find Harry or Liam or both of them as well as Louis. Although he stayed mostly quiet during the times he had down days, Zayn still liked the raucous chaos of his best friends messing around and arguing about complete rubbish. It soothed him, funny enough. Made him feel safe.

With all their help, he could feel himself start to really heal for the first time in years. He forgave his sister for inviting their father over for dinner - besides, from what he’d heard their Mom had furiously ranted at her more than enough. He stopped blaming himself so much over what had happened back then. But Niall still worried constantly that Zayn should maybe talk to someone who really knew how to deal with emotional problems, a professional. Zayn resisted with unrelenting stubborness much to Niall’s mounting concern, insisting that he didn’t need to talk to a stranger when his friends and family were right there.

“I’m not _sick_ , Niall. I don’t need to go talk to some prissy therapist.”

Surprisingly it was Ariana who managed to convince him to go to counselling.  After reading a piece in the RAG Mag she’d written about spousal abuse and substance addiction within families, Zayn instinctively picked up that she’d approached the article from a very personal point of view - probably without meaning to. Even though she hadn’t offered any specific details or even come out and said that she could relate to the issues she was writing about, Zayn just knew. Kindred tormented spirit type of thing.

And the moment he read her words, he made a vow right then and there to never again make assumptions about anyone or presume that their life was perfect and that they wouldn’t ever understand his own struggle. He opened up to her a bit over the course of a few days, mostly on email strangely enough. He didn’t go into much detail but he related the gist of what had happened during his teen years, and she told him her story too.

Face to face, one day after their last Friday class she somehow managed to get him to agree to see her therapist for at least a week. She said, “You didn’t know me in my freshman year - before I joined RAG. But let’s just say I was a mess, a shit storm. I’d gotten into college by the skin of my teeth and was about 2 seconds away from getting kicked out because I was failing everything. I was trying to fuck my problems away, I partied Monday to Sunday with randoms I can’t even remember and when that didn’t work, I hated myself even more. He saved my life. If he could get through to me - he can help anyone. I really believe that.”

And because Zayn could identify with that feeling of being lost and alone even though you’re surrounded by throngs of people, that feeling of self-hatred she spoke of, he agreed to give it a shot. She sort of had that Liam-puppy-eye thing down to a T as she convinced Zayn. Obviously she’d picked up a trick or two from hanging out with Li.

The way Niall involuntarily yelped in surprise and joy when Zayn told him that he was going to be talking to a professional, wasn’t a bad thing either. And the way he said, “That’s so great, Z. You’ve made me the happiest boyfriend ever. I know you’re not doing this for me, but still - thank you.” Yeah the way he said that, wasn’t a bad thing at all.

And Zayn was glad too once he actually went- the therapist, Mr Reid was beyond good. He was an old African-American man who cracked lame jokes and dressed like he was living in the 80s - but he was able put Zayn at ease immediately. By talking things through with him, over time Zayn was able to understand the full magnitude of the festering disgust and anger inside him and the fact that if he didn’t deal with it, it would taint every relationship he tried to have, everything he tried to do with his life.

When Mr Reid said the bit about how avoidance of issues would damage his relationships, Zayn's mind immediately went to Niall...  his family...  his best friends... back to Niall. He didn’t want that to happen with any of those people. This revelation was enough to make him not want to let this issue rule his life anymore.

 He wanted a family of his own one day and for that he would have to forgive so that he could give them the kind of home they deserved.  _Forgive, not forget-_  Mr Reid said gently the first time Zayn shook his head in disbelief at the idea of forgiving his father and that woman after they'd turned his whole world upside down and eradicated his ingrained belief that adults were to be trusted.

 _Forgive, not say it was okay_. Forgive, for his own sake. It would take a while, but he believed he was on the right track.

\- - - - - - -

The semester and school year ended the only way it really could for them - with a huge blowout at the Kappa house. Louis had been shrieking ridiculous pep talks for days whenever he saw the other 4, “My friends, prepare your livers!” and “Prepare, prepare, get your head in the game!”  and “I’m gonna need you guys strong, can’t have faders there embarrassing me.”

On the night, Liam, Niall and Zayn arrived together when the party was already rowdily underway, having  _prepared_  as much as they could- what did  _prepare_  even mean? Walking into the house, they saw that Louis and his brothers had decided underwear was the only attire they needed to have on, as well as haphazardly drawn boobs and rude slogans splashed in green body paint across their torsos. Harry, not wanting to miss out on the fun and never one to turn down an opportunity to get naked, also stripped down to his boxers as soon as he took in the wild scene before him. He tried to convince Liam and Niall to join him, going so far as to attempt to tug Liam’s shorts off. He'd gone towards Niall's pants first but the look Zayn gave him had stopped him in his tracks. He had enough sense to not even ask Zayn to take anything off.

“Harry! Stop that!” Liam held on to his clothes for dear life and ran away in the direction of a beautiful girl with light brown skin and curly hair who was dancing gracefully towards the patio.

Harry shrugged, twirling his shirt above his head. He sauntered off without another word, into the room to cheer on an extremely intense beer pong game between a wild-eyed Louis and one of his younger Brothers.

“I can’t believe we’re friends with these people.” Niall shook his head and snorted, staring in the general direction of where Harry had disappeared into the crowd. With a long suffering sigh, he picked up Harry’s forgotten skinny jeans and boots and placed them under a table.

“ _We’re_  friends? No, they’re your friends. Tonight, I’m denying any prior knowledge of their existence.”

Niall and Zayn made their way to the kitchen to grab some drinks. And awkwardly enough, in there they bumped into none other than Josh Devine, Niall’s ex-boyfriend, who had just retrieved 3 beers and was guzzling 1 already. Who stared back at them in surprise, lowering his bottle. Zayn hadn’t seen him in months, since before he’d pretty much stolen his boyfriend in fact. Very awkward...

“Uh. Hey, man.” Zayn took it upon himself to make the first move because the way Niall stiffened made him sure that his boyfriend was too stunned to say anything.

“Hey, Zayn...  Hello,  _Niall_ ,” he said the last part pointedly because Niall, now at the kitchen sink with his back turned, was suddenly very occupied with rinsing-  mugs? Zayn raised an eyebrow in his direction and had a sudden urge to laugh - was Niall honestly leaving him to face the wrath all on his own?

“Hi, Josh,” Niall mumbled softly, water still running over his fingers and over mugs with “Best Brother in the World” written along the sides.  _Man, those mugs must be filthy_ , Zayn thought sarcastically.

Josh surprised them all by chuckling loudly. Not in a mocking or scathing way, but a genuine amused laugh. “Niall, there’s no need to hide. Look, what you two did was pretty shit, yes. But it’s alright. Really. I got over it.”

Niall turned the water off, turned himself around and walked back to where the other two were standing. He still looked slightly sheepish as he said, “Yeah? So you don’t hate me anymore? I never wanted to hurt you.”

“It did hurt. But in the end, all of it was kinda inevitable,wasn’t it? I ended up getting back together with my ex from back home actually. We’re working things out... When you’re meant to be with someone, there’s not much you can do about it, y’know?” So that’s why Josh looked so happy, happier than Niall could ever remember seeing him. Zayn noticed that Josh was also completely unfazed by the way Niall’s hand immediately gravitated towards Zayn’s without any apparent thought behind the movement.

Niall nodded, smiling slightly. “Yeah Josh, I know.”

“I thought you would.”

Zayn felt a little left out here, but not in a bad way. He squeezed Niall’s hand back.

After Josh left them in the kitchen, Zayn peered sideways at Niall. “So are you done cleaning mugs or are there some side plates that also need seeing to?

Niall flushed adorably. “I’m sorry. I panicked! I haven’t seen him in ages and the last time I did he was still really pissed.”

“It’s okay. I froze too, at first. He still owed me a big punch to the face, after all...”

Niall leaned into Zayn’s side and Zayn said to him, “He was right. When you’re meant to be with someone, you shouldn’t even bother fighting it. Because you fucking can’t.”

“ _Gee_. I love how you’re implying you had to resign yourself to your fate. Like you tried your damn hardest to get away but eventually you just gave up.” Niall giggled, his head turning onto Zayn’s shoulder.

“It’s the best fate I could’ve ever asked for, Ni.”

Niall stopped laughing and Zayn didn’t have to be looking at him to know that he had the biggest grin on his face as he said, "Yeah, that’s better. Very smooth-  Love you too.”

They kissed tenderly, Niall leaning against the counter behind him and Zayn slotting between his legs. Niall took the lead, gently swirling his tongue around Zayn’s mouth, tasting him like it was the first time and uttering quiet little moans. Their hands were clasped together loosely at their sides, occasionally one of them would break away to run a hand down the other’s thigh or face or back.

They had no problem ignoring the occasional but rather blaring noises of people stepping in and out of the kitchen.

That was until a couple of minutes later when the unmistakable voices of Louis Tomlinson, Harry Styles and Liam Payne filled the small confines of the kitchen.

“Can you believe these two!” Harry.

Zayn and Niall guiltily jumped apart at the sound of the loud incredulous yell, their hearts thudding in their chests.

“You guys are still disgustingly cute. The key word there is disgusting.” Liam, in a voice that was already slightly slurred. He doubled over, laughing like he’d made the joke of the century.

“This won’t do. This will not do! What did I say about faders?” Louis. Obviously. “I’ve been telling you for days to get your frickin’ heads in the game! Not to stick your heads together and suck face-   _Fucking lightweights.”_

“Sorry, Louis.” - they both said very humbly, even Zayn.

“Don’t say  _sorry_. You know how to fix this-  Somebody’s making  _sick_  shooters in the meeting room, I don’t know what’s in them but they’re awesome!- Look at how happy Liam already is, the champ! Down some of those and you can consider yourselves forgiven.” Louis looked at them expectantly.

Niall turned to Zayn with a growing beam on his face, his eyes clearly saying, “Well... why the hell not?”

Zayn looked dubiously at Liam, his only reference point for the effects of these supposedly awesome shooters. Liam was currently enlisting the help of Harry to drag his shirt and shorts off so that they could all “match”.

Zayn shrugged, turning to grin back at the person who'd made the year for him, made his life really.  _Yeah what the hell, right?_


	14. Epilogue

Zayn sat impatiently in the stands of the college stadium, surrounded by thousands of proud parents, siblings and friends. All of them dressed in their smartest attire, graduation programmes flapping eagerly in their hands. He couldn’t be more proud on this day, or more excited, but he could barely sit still. There was some unexplained delay in proceedings and as he waited for the ceremony to commence, he became more and more restless. He was wearing a suit and a dress shirt with the top button undone- the whole ensemble was really fucking uncomfortable, actually. He couldn’t wait to get home and change into jeans and a tee.

He undid just one more button, and let his mind wander for a bit. And as it often did, it drifted to Niall. The greatest thing he’d ever had in his life. Would ever have in his life. More specifically, he thought about everything they’d gone through during the time they dated. The way it sort of collapsed somewhere along the way, the way he’d messed up.

\- - - - - - -

Zayn’s last year in college had been absolutely fantastic; filled with days spent with the love of his life and his best friends. Wasn’t that all anyone could ask for out of their college experience? But when Zayn completed his final year and moved 3 states away to Chicago to start work at an elementary school, Niall still had two more years left in college.

The night before Niall and Mrs Malik drove with Zayn to get him settled in Chicago, Niall and Zayn made love as quietly as they could in Zayn’s childhood bed and whispered sincere promises to each other that nothing would change and that in no time at all, two years would be up and Niall could join him. But to be honest, in the back of their minds they hadn’t even really been all that worried about the effect the move might have on their relationship. They knew it would be painful being apart after seeing each other almost every day for two years but they didn’t actually think it would cause any real long term problems for them - why would it,when they loved each other this much?

They were wrong. It was more than hard. Maybe it because of the time difference that made it difficult to catch each other at convenient times. Maybe it was because of the heart-wrenching loneliness that kept them both up on the worst nights. Maybe it was the fact that, over the phone it was so much easier to argue, miscommunicate, totally misconstrue what the other was saying. 

Or maybe it was that Niall was convinced Zayn was having the time of his life without him, working, earning money, finally being completely independent; and Zayn was totally sure Niall was partying and meeting cute boys everyday who would surely be hitting on him, cute boys who were right there while Zayn was so far away. Their phone conversations began to fill with snarky snide comments and hurt silences, more and more often.

It got really hard, and harder and harder. And they started to forget why it was so important to keep trying. Skype was great, but it was never enough. Six months after Zayn first moved out to Chicago, he was the one to suggest some time apart. But he’d meant exactly that - they needed to take a little break, a breather; he’d never meant for them to break up permanently. Later on, he would see his mistake and realise that he hadn’t said what he was really feeling. He hadn’t said that he didn’t really want a break from Niall; he hadn’t explained that what he actually wanted was for things to go back to the way they used to be.

And because he hadn’t phrased it like that, Niall hadn’t seen it like that. Obviously.

It happened like this... One of their worst fights was over Zayn breaking a promise, although it wasn’t on purpose or even really his fault. Earlier that month he had promised that he was going to come down to Lynnwood for a weekend, but the weekend before the proposed visit he told Niall that he wasn't going to come anymore due to a work trip he was going on with his boss. Harsh words, slung both ways, somehow escalated into a full blown argument over who was putting in effort into this relationship and who wasn’t. Entirely fed up, Zayn tentatively brought up the idea.

There was silence on the other end of the line for long moments. Then a quiet, “You want to take a  _break_?”

Zayn sighed. “Yes. I’m tired of fighting, Niall. I just think we both need some time to think about some things. It’ll be good for us.”

More silence. Followed by an almost eerily soft, “How will that be good for us, Zayn? Explain it to me because I’m not getting it.”

“It will be good because maybe that way we won’t argue over bullshit every single time we try to have a conversation!”

“So you’re ready to just give up...” If Zayn had been thinking completely clearly, he would have heard the deep-rooted pain in Niall’s voice.

“No, that’s not what I’m saying. I just- I need some time away from all this. It’s doing my head in. I can’t even do my job properly whenever we fight. Which is all the time if you haven’t noticed. - And you need time too, I don’t see why you won’t admit it!”

“Fuck you, Zayn.”

“Excuse me?”

“I said,  _fuck you_. Don’t tell me what I want or don’t want, just to try to make yourself feel better.”

“God. Are you being hard headed on purpose?- Why am I even asking? Of course you are!”

“At the risk of sounding repetitive, fuck you. You know what- if you want to take a  _break_ , fine. Why am I even arguing with someone who wants out?” Niall’s voice was getting progressively harder and louder.

“As usual, you are totally twisting my words. I never said I want out!”

“No, you just want a  _break_.”

“Why the hell do you keep saying it like that?!”

“How else am I supposed to say it? Look, you want a break? Fine, you win. That’s exactly what you’re gonna get. Goodbye, Zayn.”

Niall had already put the phone down, just as Zayn was attempting to say “Wait. I don’t want it like this...”

There was stony stubborn silence from both sides for long weeks and Zayn finally admitted to himself that they had broken up, not taken a  _break_  of any sort. When he told Louis what had happened he effectively called Zayn a 'first-class idiot.'  “You’re gonna regret this so bad Zayn.”

Zayn already regretted it, he’d pretty much regretted it the moment Niall hung up.

Louis was working in Elmhurst, Illinois- about an hour from Chicago- and on most weekends he came to chill with Zayn and some of the friends they’d picked up along the way in Chicago. (When they’d found out they’d be working so near each other without even having planned it, Louis' mother had commented in frank amazement that evidently the two best friends couldn’t shake each other. Even if they wanted to. And Zayn reckoned she was right. It would appear he was stuck with Tomlinson and he was glad about it.) But anyway, Louis told him in no uncertain terms that he was a fucking idiot for asking Niall for a break and Liam concurred with this opinion, all the way from New York City.

Zayn lasted one miserable month and 12 dismal days before he broke down.  And of all the things, the cause of his downfall was a ratty old letter he'd thought he’d misplaced. His intention the day he found it was to clear out old papers, clean his apartment a bit, try to keep busy to distract himself from his unforgiving thoughts. He hadn’t been looking to give himself a near emotional breakdown.

But even before he’d found Niall’s note in between the pages of last year’s journal, Zayn had been nearing his breaking point. He missed his ex so much - and just saying that word  _ex_  broke something inside him. He never thought he’d ever refer to Niall in that way. How did they even get here? How had they let it get this far? It just didn’t make any sense to him when he really thought about it.

When he rediscovered the note Niall had written him while they were both in college, he succumbed to the pain he'd been trying so hard to ignore and he lost any hope for keeping up his pretended indifference.

During Zayn’s senior year in college, on the morning of the note in question, Niall had woken up earlier than him to go practice for a charity basketball game he was playing in later that week. When Zayn woke up many hours later he’d found a folded note next to his head on the pillow in place of Niall. Actually, it looked more like a hand written letter.  _Well, this is a first_ , he’d thought.  - Wait, was Niall breaking up with him?  _Oh God_. He didn’t think so though, breaking up via written word just didn’t seem like Niall’s style. Curiously, and more than a little nervously, he’d opened it and read Niall’s untidy scrawl, adorably horrible grammar and all...

**You know how I tell you you sleep like the dead? You really do. Anyway your probably wondering why I’m writting you a note and didn’t just text or something. Well I was thinking about something my Mom said last time I went home, she was going on about how its such a shame nobody writes letters anymore. So I thought I’d give it a shot, see if theres anything in it.**

**So here goes... But if your waiting for some amazing revelation or news you’ve never heard, your gonna be disappointed. Ha ha sorry? Cuz all I want to say is that I love you.  Yes I know you know that but I want you to KNOW it, like really know it. I want you to know I’m having the time of my life with you. Just being with you is having the best time of my life. (Don’t get a big head) but sometimes I look at you and I can’t believe your my boyfriend. Only sometimes though ha ha.. But on a serious note :) your incredible and I’m so happy to call you mine. Mine mine. One more ‘mine’ and that would’ve gotten creepy. Let me get soppy here for a moment - You make every day a gazillion times better and its kinda scary to think it would all be so different if I’d gone to another college or if we never started hanging out again. I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be miserable or anything but I deffinately wouldnt be this happy. You make me so happy Z. And when your this happy, what else could you posibly ask for. Basically I love you. Alot. Madly! Ha even though you sleep too much and make me watch crap TV :). Even though you called my Bieber playlist shit. Even though you finished my Cocoa Puffs yesterday and didn’t say anything :(!!! I still love you. I can’t imagine a day when I won’t.**

**Ps. I wouldn’t mind at all if you did that THING you did last night again tonight. Hints probably don’t translate well on paper so let me be real clear- I’m telling you to do it again!! See you later you sexy beast**

\- - - - - - - - - - -

When Zayn found the letter he’d thought he’d lost in the move to Chicago and read it all over again, he slid to the floor right where he was and broke down. He missed Niall. Sweet funny Niall. The ache of it all  _burned_  him from within- he felt like his heart was being squeezed and wrung from the inside out. It hurt so much he wanted to tear it out of his chest himself. He didn’t know when the tears started to fall but at some point he acknowledged them sliding down his face. The last time he’d cried was all those years ago when he’d first told Niall about his father. He read the letter over and over until tears blurred his sight so much he couldn’t make out any words.

And he asked himself how the fuck they’d let it all go wrong when things had been so perfect for the longest time.

Was there anyway to fix it? Probably not. He could see now that he’d hurt Niall badly. Putting himself in Niall’s shoes, his own heart twisted painfully at the mere thought of how he would’ve felt if Niall had been the one to even suggest he didn’t want to be with Zayn anymore. It would have broken him.

He didn’t think he could fix this.  _Fuck. He really was a first-class idiot._

But. He could sure as hell  _try_. To make things right. It was time to man up. Even if he couldn’t get Niall back, he could at least apologise and try to explain himself.

It was a Sunday and he had work the next day but he didn’t care, he’d tell his boss he was deathly ill. Getting a ticket on such short notice was a mission with so few flights going out to Lynnwood, but after much haggling and desperate begging, the airline bumped someone up to first class leaving a seat for Zayn in economy. He couldn’t really afford this flight and would have to forego a few things that month, but he didn’t care about that either.

During the entire flight to Lynnwood, the intensifying levels of nerves within him reminded him of that night years ago when he’d walked to Niall’s dorm and told him how he felt for the first time. That night had ended well, but he didn’t have much hope for this one.

He took a cab straight from the airport to the apartment Niall shared with Harry and some girl named Lisa. It was actually Liam and Zayn’s old apartment; Niall and Harry had taken over the lease when their friends left college.

It was late, past 11 but he really hoped that they were awake. He hadn’t let them know he was coming, thinking that maybe they’d refuse to let him in if he gave them prior warning.

Harry was the one who opened the door to Zayn's persistent knocking, his eyes and hand moving animatedly as he talked into his cellphone. And Zayn was momentarily overwhelmed by how much he’d missed his friend. He hadn’t seen Harry since - well, since the last time he’d seen Niall which was over 2 months ago.

“Uh, Lou-  I gotta go. You’ll never guess who just turned up - No, I’ll call you back.”

As soon as Harry ended the call, he flung his arms around Zayn. “Took you long enough! It’s about damn time you showed up. Oh and I’ve really missed you.”

“Hey. Missed you too. You don’t hate me? After what happened with Niall?” Zayn had been expecting an icy reception from both of them.

Harry shook his head and gave him a last squeeze. “No, dumbass. You’re both my friends. I wasn’t about to take sides. If you ask me, you both did and said some idiotic things.”

Zayn stepped into the apartment, his flimsy backpack in hand. He wasn’t even entirely sure what he’d packed. He noticed yet again that the apartment was basically unchanged from when it had been his and this brought a pang of longing in his chest over simpler happier days gone by. “Harry. Where is he?”

“In his room. Been in there since noon.”

Zayn nodded and mentally steadied himself before heading to his old room. Harry stopped him for a moment with a hand on his arm. “Make it right, Zayn.”

He would try his damn hardest not to, that’s why he was here in the first place.

He let himself into Niall's room, after there was no response to his gentle knock. His eyes fell on a fully-clothed motionless figure lying on the bed, eyes apparently closed.

“Harry, for the last time, I’m fine. Go away.” Said without any malice or nastiness. Just with a sort of sad indifference. So very unlike Niall’s usual vibrant voice. And Zayn hated himself because he suspected he’d caused this change.

Zayn didn’t respond right away. He stood by the side of the bed, leaned over Niall. Against his cheek, Zayn pressed a light kiss he wasn’t sure he had the right to give. Niall’s eyes flung open just as Zayn was whispering, “I’m so sorry, Niall.”

Niall just stared at him from the bed, unmoving, confused.

It didn’t feel right to get into the bed with him, Zayn didn’t think it would go down very well. He dropped down to his knees, to be at a more level height with him. In the back of his mind he noted that in this position he was literally grovelling, and he thought that this was fitting.

“Ni. I can’t even put into words how sorry I am. I fucked up. But I never wanted us to break up.”

Niall was shaking his head now, like he was trying to clear it, and blinking rapidly. Did he think he was dreaming?

Zayn kept talking, desperately, the words simply flying out of his mouth. “This month without you has been hell, I don’t know what I was thinking suggesting any time apart in the first place. It’s like, now I get up in the mornings and I can’t even work up the tiniest bit of enthusiasm or energy. I can’t do it without you. I don’t want to.”

Niall finally spoke, his voice sounding hoarse. “Wh-what are you doing here, Zayn? When did you get here?”

“Today. Um, now. I came for you. To ask you to take me back. Please.” Zayn bowed his head.

The rest of Niall’s face was resolutely stony but his large blue eyes were filling with angry tears. "Why? Why should I. You broke up with me, remember?”

“I didn’t. Niall, I didn’t. I didn’t want that. I just wanted  _us_  back. And I thought if we took a few days, like a break from all the fighting and arguing, we could get it back.”

“That’s not what you said, Zayn.”

Zayn leaned closer over him and closed his eyes. “I know, baby - I know, Niall. But that’s what I meant. I swear. I swear on everything that matters to me.”

“Zayn...” Niall trailed off dejectedly.

Hearing the hopelessness in Niall’s voice, Zayn’s head shot up and he made a last ditch attempt. “Before you tell me to piss off-  Can I just try to explain? Please? First, you have to know I love you. I never stopped. And even if you never take me back, I still won’t stop. I'm so mad at myself for-" Zayn paused, taking a deep breath and when he spoke again it was in a quieter voice. "I messed up. Please. The only reason I said what I did was because I was so so frustrated. I felt like things were going to shit and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I just wanted to stop it and have it all get better.”

Niall made an exasperated sound in his throat. “Do you have any idea how frustrating this is for  _me_  right now? All this stuff you’re saying. Is exactly what you should have said  _then_. Instead of just telling me you wanted time away from me. You broke my heart.” Niall didn’t even sound angry, just incredibly sad.

His misery was only matched by Zayn’s. “I know. Shit, I  _know_  I hurt you. I’m so sorry-  I’m  _sorry_. I’ll keep saying that until you believe me. But I can’t lose you. I wouldn’t know what to do. I’m so fucking sorry.”

“I want to believe you... I really do.” Niall was looking at the ceiling, not at him.

“Give me one more chance. Whatever I can do to fix this-  Name it, I’ll do it. I’m not too proud to beg if that’s what it takes.” Zayn was dead serious, he wasn’t the type to grovel but right now he would. In fact he was pretty sure he already was. He was presently literally on his knees after all.

Niall’s gaze turned from the ceiling straight to Zayn’s eyes where he peered searchingly. For a long time Zayn had no idea what the blonde was thinking. Then Niall seemed to make up his mind about something. Within a split second his eyes softened and warmed. But his voice was serious. “I don’t need you to beg. Well, not much anyway. Just swear me you’ll never do it again. Promise me you’ll never just give up like that.  _Promise_.”

Heart pounding with sheer gratefulness, Zayn almost tripped over his words trying to get them out fast enough, “I promise. I swear. On everything. I promise.”

“Okay.” Niall nodded slowly, solemnly.

“Okay? Really?” Zayn stilled. He didn’t dare believe it just yet, it seemed to be too good to be true.

Niall nodded again. “Yes, okay. I considered dragging this out and making you plead. But we’ve never played games before so why start now. I can see you’re sorry, I know you love me and that’s enough for me. And I know you know I’ll cut your balls off if you ever pull this again..." He sighed and picked absent-mindedly at the blanket beneath him, "Plus, look, I said a lot of things I shouldn’t have during some of our fights so I’m not completely blameless.”

All of that was true.

“Z-  come here.” Just like that, Niall opened his arms wide and Zayn stood up and fell down into them with boundless gratitude. Niall never ceased to amaze him with how forgiving he was and how he loved so openly and with everything he had. Zayn vowed never to take advantage of this. He inhaled Niall’s scent and laid kisses on every bare patch of skin within reach - Niall’s lips, his cheeks, his neck, his nose, his collarbones.

They lay with their arms around each other kissing unhurriedly, and the only interruption was Niall’s languid question, “Um, I’m pretty sure you have work tomorrow?”

And much later when they were nearly asleep and the only sound in the room was their steady breathing, he could no longer disguise the fact that he was acutely aware of the feeling, warmth and comforting smell of Niall’s body beneath his. Zayn was getting  _extremely, increasingly_  turned on with every passing minute. Well, it had been two long months since.. Looking down at Niall, he could see that the blonde's eyes were closed and he appeared relaxed and happy. So Zayn closed his eyes too and tried to ignore his painful hard-on.

Niall started laughing. “I can feel that, you horny bastard.”

“Sorry...”

Niall laughed even louder and gripped his ass, his fingers digging in. “Why are you sorry?”

Zayn raised an eyebrow. “I guess I’m not?” He rolled his hips downwards, once,  _hard_ , making the blonde's breath hitch in his throat.

“Good.” Eyes locked on each other, Niall pushed him off his chest and once they’d sat up, started to undress him. Taking his time, stopping to kiss him deeply after each item of clothing was removed. Zayn returned the favour, except that he tore off Niall’s clothes at a pace that was hilariously impatient.

“I really like that shirt. You better not have ripped it,” Niall said, still laughing, once they were both completely in the nude.

Zayn captured his giggling mouth in his and licked inside, hotly, zealously. He told him in between kisses, “I just really need you. I need you.”

Niall kissed him back just as passionately, his hands moving along Zayn’s back and down his thighs. Zayn couldn’t prevent the little groans deep inside his throat as Niall touched and stroked him all over.

Suddenly Niall pushed him off again and flipped himself over to lay down flat on his stomach, letting Zayn know exactly how he wanted it. Looking down at him with dilated eyes, Zayn felt like his cock was going to erupt right there, it was that hard and it hurt that much.

He spread Niall’s legs slightly apart and straddled him around his thighs. Hastily he wet two fingers sloppily and jabbed them in and out his boyfriend’s constricted hole. He had a feeling that he was being too rough as he curled and scissored and rubbed with his fingers but he couldn’t hold back and Niall didn’t seem to mind as he lifted his head from the bed, his breathing picking up.

“I need you too, Zayn. I've been missing this for weeks, months... A-and I was so scared it was all over. I was scared we were over.”

Zayn kissed a spot on the back of his head with rough emotion. He lay down on top of the blonde covering him all the way down to his feet, and slid his cock between Niall’s ass cheeks, leaving the area slick and wet.

Niall let out a soft moan beneath him, trying to twist his head around to get a look at him. Zayn forced his head forward again, biting and licking at the skin on the back of Niall’s neck and upper back. Reaching down, he stuffed his dick into him and waited for only a second before he thrust back out, then back in. Cursing feverishly, Niall’s hands came up to rest against the headboard and Zayn’s grasped his fingers there. He pinned Niall’s legs beneath his, and only their groins moved up and down as Zayn fucked him down into the mattress.

“Missed you. So. Much. Every. Day,” Zayn panted roughly in time with his fierce thrusts. He squeezed and gripped Niall’s hands tight as he slammed even harder and faster into him.

“ _Yes_.  _Please..._ ” was the muffled response.

Zayn’s hands came down to wrap around and into Niall’s hair. He alternated between moving in and out, and swirling round and around inside him. Rubbing against that special spot that would bring Niall over the edge.

Niall’s head shot up from the bed and the sounds he was making were criminal. “ _Zaynzaynzayn_. Yeah, just like that.  _Just_  like that. Ah... I’m so fucking close.” Zayn moved against his ass, grinding into it, over it, his movements becoming increasingly ungraceful as sweat dripped from his chest down onto Niall's back.

He sat up and sat back on Niall's thighs, spreading the blonde's cheeks so that he could watch his cock sliding in and out of that tight space. And the sight of that right there, was his undoing. Zayn tried to wait. He tried. But he couldn’t hold it back anymore. Usually he waited for Niall to finish first, but he really couldn’t. With a high strangled groan, he came hard inside him, his fingers digging into the flesh of Niall's ass leaving deep red imprints there.

And Niall made the sensation all that more overwhelming and exquisite, squeezing and squeezing and squeezing his cock until Zayn was completely drained. Taking a minute or two to calm down a little, he then turned Niall over and sucked him into an orgasm. It didn’t take long at all, because like Niall had said he’d been close. Within half a minute, Niall was coming in quick hot spurts down Zayn’s throat, with his hands twisting into the sheets and a loud hoarse “ _Fuck yes_...”

A few minutes later, Niall, turned his head from where it lay against the crook of Zayn's elbow. “Harry probably hates us right now,” he commented somewhat casually. The curly-haired boy’s room was right next door, and his and Niall’s beds sat against the same wall.

“Um. Maybe he’ll be so happy we worked things out he won’t mind all that much?” Zayn offered hopefully.

Niall shook his head and chuckled. His chuckles turned to sputters and breathless snorts after he located his phone and opened a text that had come in while they were... busy. He showed it to Zayn.

_From: Harry_

_For fucks sake you guys. Seriously??_

.....................

 _Finally_.  _For Pete’s sake._ A general stirring within the crowd sitting in the stands let Zayn known that the graduation ceremony was finally underway. The speeches from the distinguished ceremony speakers weren’t too bad, a few were actually quite uplifting and inspiring even for Zayn who’d heard it all before. Zayn was reminded of his own graduation ceremony where he’d been filled with so much hope and bright-eyed excitement for the future.  He hoped that the graduates here today were feeling something similar to that.

Eventually, the actual awarding of diplomas commenced. A long procession of endless names and faces that all started to look the same, as graduates retrieved their diplomas. _Then. Finally_. He heard the name he’d been waiting for.

“Horan, Niall James. Bachelor of Computer Science.” The master of ceremonies waited as Niall bounded towards the stage, the tassel on his square academic board flopping back and forth as he moved. He grinned at the blonde and handed him his diploma. Niall turned towards the crowd, diploma high in his hand and beamed. Zayn cheered along with the people around him, from where he sat in between Niall’s older brother Greg and Mrs Horan.

When the second name he was waiting for was called Zayn clapped just as loudly, his heart about to burst.

“Styles, Harry Edward. Bachelor of Computer Science.”

By this time, they were nearing the end of the ceremony and before Zayn knew it, the closing speech was being given and the master of ceremonies was wrapping things up.  

As the Horans and Zayn made their way from the stands and towards the parking lot to wait for Niall, Zayn caught sight of Harry first. They made their way towards each other in the dense crowd and embraced quickly before Harry was pulled away to take pictures with some classmates. Harry had the biggest smile Zayn had ever seen on his face. Yeah, what Zayn had been thinking earlier about bright-eyed hope and all that other stuff was clearly evident in his younger friend’s demeanour.

Not too long after, Zayn was standing talking to Maura Horan. (Who  _adored_  him, by the way. More than once, Niall complained petulantly that if he didn’t know any better he’d swear she loved Zayn more than her own son.) Zayn felt a sudden compulsion to turn around and when he did, Niall was rushing towards them, looking so happy and young and beautiful. Looking at him once he reached them, Zayn’s face hurt he was smiling so wide. But he couldn’t stop. He grabbed at Niall roughly and pulled him close. “ _Baby_. I’m so proud of you.”

Niall twirled them around. “Thank you! I can’t believe I graduated, it doesn’t feel real. I fucking graduated Z!”

“Language...” Maura warned rather spiritlessly, as thought it was a long-ingrained habit of hers more than her actually thinking that Niall would heed her words. Zayn had a feeling she was used to hearing plenty worse from the potty-mouthed crew otherwise known as her husband and sons.

“Sorry Mom!” Niall turned back to Zayn, who was still grinning at him like an idiot.  _A really pretty idiot_ , Niall thought to himself.

They'd made it through the two years they'd had to spend largely apart. They’d stumbled a bit along the way and nearly lost it, but at the end of the day they’d made it. After they got back together following the breakup, Niall had insisted on a new rule- absolutely no fighting over the phone. No matter what, no exceptions. If someone had something they needed to get off their chest, too bad; they’d had to find a way to say it face to face.

And Zayn guessed the rule had worked pretty well because here they were. And now they didn’t have to be apart anymore.

Niall already had a few really promising interviews lined up in Chicago, and he was going to move in with Zayn until he got a job offer. They planned to get a bigger apartment in a nicer area once they could pool both of their resources together.  Or they would keep living in Zayn's current apartment, and save up for a trip to Ireland. Either way, it was going to be magnificent.

Zayn stood back and gave Maura, Mr Horan and Greg space to get in a good number of hugs and squeezes with Niall. After they’d all settled down, Zayn took him back and held him again, whispering about how happy he was that they could start this new chapter of their lives.

Harry popped up out of nowhere and told them that he’d given the two of them enough time to get some of the schmaltz out of their systems and could Niall please come take pictures with all their classmates now?

Zayn waved them off, laughing, and they dashed away. In the midst of a crowded chaotic group photograph being taken, Niall turned slightly and caught Zayn looking at him. Niall's face broke into a heartstopping dazzling smile, and he winked and mouthed, “Love you!”

He’d already turned around again towards the photographer but Zayn still said it back.


End file.
